(Closed) I don’t know what to do. Help

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3170 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Do NOT just let these things go. I have dealth with a lot of addiction in my life, not me but everyone around me. My fiance is a recoving addict and if he ever used again he would be out the door in a second. You need to seek some professional help and your fiance needs to start going to some sort of rehab. Cocaine isn’t something that you can just stop, he needs help quitting it and you can’t help him. He needs to hit a bottom to ever be able to help himself, you cannot enable him in any way. Do not let him get away with treating you like this.

Post # 5
Member
9648 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

My advice is for you to seek professional help for yourself.  It seems highly unlikely that he would be willing to go to counseling with you, but you really should do it for yourself.

I hope you don’t marry this man.  He’s extremely disrespectful and abusive to you, the way you’ve described his behavior.

I’m so sorry you’re hurting.  Please get some professional help.  This won’t go away on its own. 

He is showing you his true colors.  Believe him.

The best thing you could do for yourself would be to run far away from this person. 

But if you don’t do that, the next best thing is please get some counseling and support.  You’re going to need all your strength if you continue in this relationship.

Google this:  Narcissitic Personality Disorder, and see if it fits.

Post # 6
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Doesnt sound like a good situation or even something that I would bother trying to fix. Its NOT anything you are doing wrong.

His ass would have found another ride home from the festival. Maybe with the girl he was feeling up…

Post # 7
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Let me enumerate the problems you listed.

1. He is an alcoholic.

2. He uses cocaine, a HIGHLY addictive drug.

3. He physically assaulted you.

4. He ignores you whenever he feels like it.

5. He seems completely unconcerned with your wellbeing.

What would you tell your sister or your best friend to do if her fiance did these things?

Post # 8
Member
5296 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

Whelp, that’s something where he needs to be in rehab. NOW.

 

Either way, I’d be out. The fact that he didn’t cut off contact with those ‘friends’ shows me that he still has a ways to go before rock bottom and realizing that he needs help. Of course you can see if he’ll go, but I feel like right now, any help he gets won’t ‘stick’.

Post # 9
Member
1132 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

He sounds just like my best friend’s Ex. You don’t live in Richmond, do you? Anyway, I’m not going to lie, I don’t see one positive thing to hold on to in this story. I’m usually not the one to tell girls to get out of a relationship, I don’t know the whole story, but he sounds abusive and is addicted to cocaine. Cocaine! Also, possibly alcoholic? Are you okay with this for the rest of your life? Are you okay having this behavior around your children? Are you okay being treated like this? If not, get out, at least until he gets his act together for quite some time. Like, 5 years.

Post # 10
Member
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

If you get married to him, this is pretty much a peek into your future.

Post # 11
Member
4150 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.  It sounds awful and you deserve better.  I agree with everything @Sunfire: recommended.  Sending huge hugs your way.

Post # 12
Member
5296 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

@ananombee:  He won’t admit that he has a problem, so it will be impossible to get him help. I have asked him in serious conversation where I am telling him now is your time to come clean without facing any consequences..and he still won’t admit to doing coke other than the two times he has already admitted.



I was typing my response and didn’t see this yet  – but this pretty much confirms my point. He’s not going to go into any type of counseling/rehab (if you can even get him to GO) with the right attitude. This guy shows no signs of being truly repentant or willing to change. You are going to be sinking a lot of time and your own well-being into waiting for this guy to man up.

 

There is someone out there for you who is so much better than this.

Post # 13
Member
928 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m sorry that you’re going through this. Addiction is a terrible disesase with habits and attitudes that only the addict can change and correct. From personal experience the road to recovery is a long and painful one and it doesn’t sound like your Fiance is even thinking of starting the journey.

His behavior isn’t your fault. It’s also not somehting that is likely to change very much until he gets the help he needs – whether it’s counseling, rehab or support groups to get clean.

Anyone who sees you as shit to put up with isnt’t worth your time and energy,In My Humble Opinion.

Post # 14
Member
3170 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@ananombee:  Until he is ready to help himself you have to cut him off, completely. He NEEDS to hit a bottom so he will want the help. You need to either go to Al Anon meetings or see a therapist who deals with addiction. I would not leave my fiance just because he was using again, I would de everything I could to help him. It doesn’t sound like you are ready to end it with him and if that’s the case then you need to be strong enough to kick him out of your house and tell him that until he gets help you are no longer going to be there for him. Drug addiction is a disease, not a choice. He doesnt want to hurt you or be addicted to cocaine but he is. It’s the same as someone getting really sick, he can’t help it. He needs professional help.

Post # 15
Member
679 posts
Busy bee

@ananombee:  “What am I doing wrong?”

Nothing. Well, except maybe allowing him to treat you this way for even one second longer.

You are not causing his behavior, and what he is doing is not your fault, nor is there anything you can do to “fix it.”

It sounds like he hangs out with a bad crowd and has no intention of stopping. It also sounds like he has a problem with drug and alcohol abuse, if not a flat-out addiction.

You said “shit went down” at the music festival, but it sounds like shit started going down long before that. He repeatedly lied, used illegal drugs, drank to excess, verbally abused you, and treated you with blatant disrespect.

I’m sorry, but turning his phone off, not accounting for his whereabouts, and lying sound like deal-breakers, and then when you add in the drug use and his treating you like nothing but an annoyance…

Ask yourself this question. “If nothing about his behavior changes from the way it is right now, do I want to spend the rest of my life like this?”

Your answer will be telling.

These are NOT issues you should “let go.” These are huge, life-altering problems that need immediate attention. My suggestion would be to walk away and stop letting him treat you like this immediately, before it gets worse for you. Then, do what you can to see that he gets professional help to overcome whatever drug/alcohol problem he’s got going on.

Whatever you do, don’t let the drugs/alcohol be an excuse. If you find yourself thinking, “Well, if he wasn’t drinking/on drugs, he’d never act like this,” you will only remain in a toxic, potentially dangerous environment.

I repeat — remove yourself from the equation, then seek other sources to get him help.

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