(Closed) I don’t know what to do. Help

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
4430 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@doberman:  I was thinking the same thing! Shit was already down!!! 

Post # 48
3580 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Google “Dan Savage” and “DTMFA” pronto.

Post # 49
902 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

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@GDub:  I agree with this completely!

My ex wasn’t an addict but he showed the exact same things your guy is.  He would pick fights just to get away and do what he wanted to do and then somehow turned it around into being MY FAULT.

It starts with a push and grows into something much bigger.  If I were you I would get out.  Let him live his destructive life and move on with yours.  I know it’s not what you want to hear and probably not what you want to do but can you honestly say this is the life you want for yourself and future kids?

Sometimes you have to close your heart and let your feet do the thinking because walking away will be so much better for you in the long run!!

Post # 50
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I can’t believe you’re asking us what you should do. If it were me, it would be a no-brainer; I would get the hell out of that situation. You do not deserve this treatment. You’ve done nothing wrong except put up with his crap for too long. You will find a man one day who will treat you right, I promise!

Post # 51
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I understand where you’re coming from. I just want to say you don’t deserve this. You are better than what he’s putting you through. You deserve to be happy and loved. There is someone out there who will cherish you. If he’s not ready to admit that he has a problem, then you need to walk away before you get seriously hurt. ((big hugs))

Post # 52
344 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I’m sure you love him, and he says he loves you, but: he loves his addiction more.  There is no helping him by anybody but himself. He needs to check himself into professional rehab.

You are describing behaviours that are not only not normal, but are unhealthy- for everybody involved. And you need counselling for being in such a dysfunctional relationship, lest it affects your relationships of the future.

You deserve to be in a normal, healthy relationship, and not in which you are dealing with and nursing his addiction. If your relationship is ‘meant to be’, well, it will work out eventually. Until then, take care of yourself.

Post # 53
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I rarely comment on posts like these and I never tell people to leave. However your entire post reads like someone who has become so accustomed to being disrespected that you are just putting up with this crap. He knows you’ll put up with his disgusting behaviour so he carries on doing it….what motivation does he have to change?

I’m so sorry but this guy doesn’t resemble someone who will make a good partner for life. There is no sign of love or respect and you seem to be in a rut yourself in accepting it. Please have more respect for yourself than this. Everything you think seems shady, is shady. Even if he’s never cheated, he’s being totally disrespectful to you and is putting his friends and his addiction first.

In my opinion, you need to remove yourself from this situation immediately. He needs to sort himself out before he does anything else and you need to get on with your life while he does it.

Post # 54
6255 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

I know a woman who was in a similar situation when she was about 20. She kept telling herself that after the wedding, he would grow up and stop partying and treating her like shit. Then it was “after the baby is born.”

That baby was me. And he didn’t change. He would smoke pot with us right next to him in a tiny living room, and physically abuse her because he knew she wouldn’t leave on account of us kids. Luckily she did when I was about five, butI spent most of my life without a father because he never cleaned up his act–and I spent a good part of that time without a mother, too, because of the hours she had to work to support my sister and I with no child-support help from him.

Trust me. HE WILL NOT CHANGE UNTIL HE WANTS TO. And many never do. My stepfather saw my birth father in the grocery store the other day. He said he looks “like death” and couldn’t have been more than 120 lbs. The story around town is that he left his last girlfriend because she wouldn’t share her pills. Do you really want to deal with someone who has addictions like that, that take over everything and that matter more than their wives/more than their children? People don’t really talk about it, but it’s more common than you’d think. And it’s taken me years and years of therapy to deal with the stuff I had to put up with as a very young child.

Sorry for the Debbie Downer life story testimonial, but if there’s even a remote chance I can prevent someone from having to go through what my mom went through….


Post # 55
1297 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

There isn’t much to say that hasn’t been said already. I’d like to expand on something Soon2BeeMrsG said, “Relationship are hard enough without this sort of crap on top”: YES, exactly. My point being that you might be thinking that “every relationship has its problems”… addiction, strong drug use, and callousness of the degree you describe are NOT run of the mill relationship issues that healthy relationships have to work through.

Everyone has already given you great advice as to what to do. We are here to listen if you want it talk it out more, but you also need to find someone in real life (a counselor, a trusted friend) to support you.

Post # 56
1281 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Who cares if your parents are judgemental about “this kind of stuff”?  They have every right to be judgemental of this guy.  He is a loser.  There is no way in hell you would tell your best girlfriend to stay with a guy like this.  If it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, and smells like a duck, it is a duck.

Talk to your parents.  Stay with them and don’t look back.  And please, please please don’t come back to us saying you guys “worked it out….” He is all talk and no action.  He’s had enough chances.

Post # 57
762 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Backyard

I was going to write exactly what mightywombat wrote. Glaring red flags. It will only get worse. 

If it helps, read through some of the other bees’ posts about how their ex husbands are trying to ruin their lives. This is probably what will happen to you if you marry this guy. Eliminate this step in your life and move on to someone better! I personally would never date a drug abuser for a variety of reasons but specifically, it has the possibility to ruin your own career depending on what you do for a living, is that worth it? If he has drugs in your car and you happened to get pulled over? There are so many cans of worms waiting to be opened with this one. Get rid of him now and never look back! I know it’s hard, and I am sorry you have to be dealing with this, but seriously there are so many things wrong with this situation. 

Post # 58
3080 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m so sorry. I know that it’s really easy for all of us to say “just leave him”, and that it’s easier said than done, but I think some outside perspective really can help. Granted you have laid out the story to note the biggest red flags, so I think you truly understand as well. Ultimately, only if he acknowledges his problems, gets help, and recovers from them will he ever be able to be the man you need. You really do need to cut him off. Counseling for yourself really can’t hurt either. 


Post # 59
11265 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@ananombee:  What am I doing wrong?    you are enabling his behaviour. 

if this is the life you expect, then stay with him.  if not, leave.  only you can make that change for yourself. 


Post # 60
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

Yikes.  I have seen some bad stuff on here, and never said leave.  This is different. LEAVE.

What you are doing wrong: putting up with any of this.  Before you even got to the part where you say it got bad (“here’s where shit goes down”), it was already awful.  You are with an addict who is showing you ZERO respect.  He does not acknowledge the problem.  He is making you feel like garbage. He is being mean. There is NOTHING you can do to change his behavior.  All you are in control of is you.   You need to take care of yourself and get out of this unbelievably toxic situation.  Now. 

Post # 61
203 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

He could be the twin of one of my ex-boyfriends. Heavy drinking, coke, cheating friends, mentally abusive, picking fights to have a free pass to leave and staying out all night. It was rough and I hoped it would pass but it never did, I finally got the nerve up to leave him. It was really hard, but I knew he was toxic. A year and a half later he contacted me to tell me he was a changed man. We got back together and I moved halfway across the country for him…turns out he hadn’t changed one bit.

My mom used to work in a drug and alcohol treatment facility and she told me that they had a saying there “There are 3 things you need to know about alcoholics and drug abusers…1.They lie…2. They lie…and 3. They lie.”

I firmly believe that birds of a feather flock together. If he is hanging out with cheaters, then he is most likely doing it himself.

So sorry you are dealing with this. PLEASE don’tmarry him.

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