(Closed) I don’t know what to do. Help

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 62
Member
3216 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

No amount of money invested in a wedding or mutual friendships or mutual home ownership is worth being treated this way. 

You have absolutely zero excuse for staying with him– you have the chance right now to choose whether you want to live this for the rest of your life.  If you go through with the marriage, you’re doing this to yourself. 

Get out, respect yourself and realize you’re worth much more than this.

Post # 63
Member
9948 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

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@mightywombat:  100% this.

I was married to a man with an Addiction (Alcohol) for over 20 Years.

I can tell you it WON’T IMPROVE… these guys keep going until they either hit rock bottom (whatever that is “for them”)… or the DIE

Either way the road there (and back to the Real World) can suck for you the Partner, more so if you have kids etc.

Do yourself a favour NOW… make plans to move on… there is someone incredible out there waiting to meet a great girl like you… he can’t find you if you are anchored down to this relationship

It took me 40+ Years of my life to find my true Mr Right, and I cannot tell you how DIFFERENT or WONDERFUL this relationship is.

Sorry I spent so long unawares…

Post # 64
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I’m really sorry that you are dealing with this. He’s obviously got a alcohol/drug addiction and he will only bring you down with him. It’s nothing to do with you at ALL. He’s got the problem and HE needs to take care of it. It sounds like he loves you, but he loves his addiction more at this point. If I were in your shoes, I would remove myself from the situation….give back the ring, get out of the relationship and heal myself. You can only have a healthy relationship with this person once he is clean/sober. *hugs*

Post # 65
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

OP,  you are an enabler to this man.  It doesn’t make you a bad person, it just means that you are allowing an unhealthy relationship to continue that desperately needs intervention.  Enablers are oftentimes encouraged to attend AA (alcoholics anonymous) meetings as well as the people who have the addiction.  It helps you understand why you have no power to help him, why these addictions are so serious and how they overtake and destroy lives.  The best thing you can do is to not allow this to continue, meaning you’d have to remove yourself from this situation entirely.  I know it’s not easy (I had to do this with an alcoholic man as well) but you’ll have to learn that the best thing to do is to save yourself.  

There are so many men out there who do not have these problems and do not treat women the way you’ve been treated, so if this relationship can’t be saved, don’t worry. There are tons more men out there who will be deserving of your love.

Post # 66
Member
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Leave!

Post # 67
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

It is awful that you are being treated like this. You should be with someone who is honest, loving, and who makes you feel like you are the most important person in the world. 

One thing to ask yourself, is this what you want for the rest of your life? Do you want to be treated like this, everyday for the rest of your life? because you can’t expect him to change. Right now he is doing this to you, but if you don’t recognize that you deserve better and move on, you will be allowing him to do this to you. 

I know from personal experience that only you can talk yourself into leaving him permanently but you need to have people in your life that you can count on to get you through it. And when you are ready, your perfect match will come along to sweep you off your feet and you will appreciate him 1000% more because you dealt with this. 

Post # 68
Member
4430 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@bookworm88:  ++++

Post # 69
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - ceremony at a gazebo outside, reception at neighboring restaurant on a lake

GET OUT!!  PLEASE!!!  Drug and alcohol addiction are deal-breakers. 

Also, I have never once caught my fiance texting, emailing, saying ANYTHING disrespectful about me to his friends.  In fact, he doesn’t say anything disrespectful about any of his family, friends, or even ex-girlfriends.  Your fiance should be sticking up for you in front of his friends.  My fiance has said before (when one of his friends cheated) that he didn’t want to associate with someone that would do that and is no longer friends with them.  Your fiance should have higher friends standards.  Can you imagine your fiance inviting those friends over when you are at work or on a business trip or visitng a friend and he has those drinking, coke snorting, rude-ass friends around your future kids? 

Imagine him being a father to your kids.  You are at home by yourself and last night you got 3 hours of sleep because your 6 month old is teething and crying half the night…you have to take your 6 year old to soccer practice…you have to feed them dinner and take care of yourself too…and dad still “doesn’t want to put up with your shit” and is out doing coke and flirting with girls.  You have to get out of this relationship.  If he can’t admit he has a problem and bring up the idea of rehab HIMSELF without you forcing him or giving him an ultimatum to go, then he is unlikely to change anytime soon.  In my personal experience with several family members and substance abuse, only the ones that WANT to change and initiated the change themselves and did the work themselves actually made a lifelong change. 

If he doesn’t put you first now, he won’t put you first in the future, he won’t put your kids first, he won’t put your parents as a priority when they are older, sick, and need care.  His priorities will be 1) HIM 2) drugs and alcohol 3) HIM and 4) you when he’s sober and lonely (which is still him thinking about himself.  you will be a priority only when HE needs you).

Did he have problems with cocaine in the past or is this his first time? 

Good luck.  I’m so sorry you are going through this.

Post # 70
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - ceremony at a gazebo outside, reception at neighboring restaurant on a lake

Also, just to emphasize…I wouldn’t do counseling.  I wouldn’t give an ultimatum.  You want him getting help because he wants to be a better man, NOT because of an ultimatum.  I can’t stress this enough.  Ultimatums usually don’t turn out well.  And I don’t know another way other than an ultimatum to get someone into counseling or rehab that hasn’t brought that idea up themselves.

Please find yourself a good man that deserves you.  I hope the very very best for you.

Post # 71
Member
1919 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I have nothing else to add, everyone here has given great advice. All I can say is that i truly hope you are hearing the advice. It scares me that you asked what you are doing wrong and that you have responded very little to the advice given. Abusive people are very good at making their victims feel that it is their fault and there is no way out. Please don’t isolate yourself or feel you can’t talk to your family. If you are going to leave this guy, which you should, you need to be open and honest with your family and they will support you through this.

Post # 72
Member
234 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m so sorry that you are going through this. Seeing someone you love struggle with addiction when there is nothing you can do is so heartbreaking.  But there is truly nothing you can do unless that person a) admits that they have a problem and b) is willing to make changes in their life/ lifestyle to fix that problem.  I was married to an alcoholic for 13 years.  It doesn’t get better, you can’t fix them, you can’t change them, and your love can’t overcome it. An addict loves their addiction more than anyone, and anything. And it doesn’t mean that they are bad people, because it is a disease. But you don’t want to get yourself further involved, or even bring children into the equation. I live in fear even now that something will happen when my kids are with their father because even after a DUI and me leaving him and him losing everything, he still doesn’t think he has a problem and he’s got the whole world fooled that everything is a-ok.  I didn’t leave him because I didn’t love him, I left him because I love my kids more and I love and respect myself too much to put up with his BS any longer.  It’s not just how he treated me, it was missing money for his habit, being irresponsible because he’d been drinking, a host of other problems that all stemmed from his faithfulness to his addiction.

You need to safeguard your own happiness and future and remove yourself from the path of destruction that he is on if he is unwilling/not ready to get help. Some people hit rock bottom and do get help and go on to be successful; others never get to that point and struggle with the addiction their whole life.  You can’t predict how this will turn out.  This is one of the few situations in which I would advice someone to leave, only because I have lived through it and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I also wish I had gotten myself and my kids more counseling. You can do that for yourself, to help you get through and realize that YOU didn’t do anything wrong.  He did this to himself. He’s an adult and is responsible for his actions.  You deserve better honey.  If by some miracle your leaving jolts him into reality and he gets help, then baby steps before you let him back into your life completely. No one is going to advocate for you except for yourself.

Best of luck, PM me if you want to talk. *hugs* I’m so sorry you are dealing with this, I know how horrible it is. 🙁  Hang in there.

Post # 73
Member
750 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Ditch this dude and get professional help for YOURSELF to get over all the crap he’s put you through. He’s a huge loser and emotional abuser. Maybe it’d be different if he reached out and wanted help, but he clearly doesn’t want help for his problems and he just keeps you around because he knows you’ll put up with his shit, ditch this creep, stat!! 

Good luck. I really hope you take all of these bees’ advice into account. 

Post # 75
Member
9940 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@ananombee:   I know how you feel.  It is hard to leave.  Even alcoholic, drug-addicted abusers can be charming sometimes.

Don’t be naive as to what you’re getting into.  This is who he is.  And the verbal, emotional and psychological abuse he’s been putting you through will escalate with time.  It could turn physical eventually, it usually does.

Please at least study about the Cycle of Abuse.  Please don’t be fooled by his “charming” stage.  They all do that.  It is just to hook you back in.

He knows the drill with the system and he also knows the drill with women.  If you dump him, he will replace you so quickly it will make your head spin.  In fact, he’s got someone in the wings, all lined up as a back-up, right this minute – I’ll betcha.  I would place a monetary bet on it.

If you’re ok with this continuing to be your life, that’s fine.  Face the facts and educate yourself.  And stay safe!

Post # 76
Member
4430 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@ananombee:  I think you’re crazy…you can’t fix someone who doesn’t think they have a problem…a counselor is his easy way out to make you happy.

Good luck, as any further advice you obviously won’t listen to, or take.

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