(Closed) I don’t know what to do. Help

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 77
Member
2319 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Wow. Just wow! As if life doesn’t through enough curveballs that you really need your Fiance to be this way!

*hugs*

Post # 79
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

View original reply
@ananombee:  I have loved an addict.  It’s one thing when they acknowledge the problem and want help.  It’s another when they say they don’t need it.  And no, he can’t do it for you.

But beyond the fact that this guy is an addict in denial, which is hard enough, he is also treating you horribly.  He is probably cheating on you.  He treats you like garbage.  You need to love yourself more than you love this guy.  You need to see a counselor and get yourself help.  Read the conselor your first post on thPop thread.  This guy does not need you to take care of him, because you can’t.  You can only take care of yourself.  

No one is saying leaving is going to be easy.  But staying is much much worse.

Post # 80
Member
4430 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

View original reply
@ananombee:  I’m being harsh because I can just picture my future daughter or best friend going through this, and be just as upset/mad at them! I feel like it’s me!

You know when you watch a movie/show and you start talking to the character on the TV making bad choices, well that’s how I feel…I’m like yelling at the computer screen! (so to speak)

I really wish you well, I do, but niceness doesn’t fix anything, and neither will you by enabling him…which you HAVE been doing…you HAVE been giving it your all….

 

Post # 81
Member
9940 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
@ananombee:  You are co-dependent and in an extremely unhealthy relationship.  The reason we are being HARSH is because we have walked in your shoes.

Some of us (me) were lucky to escape with our lives.  Which is why we are advising you to do what you know you are eventually going to have to do anyway. 

Because he is what I call a “vampire person” and the moment he is finished with sucking the life out of you, he’ll discard you for a new model and you’ll be left empty, alone, broke, hurt and afraid.

We’re being harsh to get through to you that you could sidestep hell right now.  Or you can marry the devil.  It’s your choice.

BellaDee is dead on correct that his agreeing to “counseling” is nothing more than a sham to pacify you.

Post # 82
Member
3622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If you do want to be with him, I’d still break up first. Tell him that he can’t treat you the way he has been. You can re-evaluate in a year or two. He’s not going to treat you better if he knows he can get away with treating you like shit.

Post # 83
Member
3580 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

View original reply
@ananombee:  Make the counseling appt TODAY and report back to us and let us know if he shows up, how it goes, etc.  I don’t know if he’s being flippant or he’s just resigned to being a life-long addict with the ‘AA/rehab won’t work/I don’t have a problem’ crap.  But it is a load of crap and right now I don’t think you’re seeing the forest from the trees. 

Make the appt….like right now.  There is no reason not to.  Just do it so you can see how serious he is.

 

Post # 84
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

View original reply
@ananombee:  Its really brave of you that you would want to help and support him but he isn’t doing the same thing for you. Shouldn’t you be able to lean on eachother? It sounds like he is getting a lot out of your relationship and giving nothing in return.

Maybe it will get better… but chances are it won’t, how much more of your life are you going to give up for someone else?

I know what you mean about not wanting to leave someone you love who is in trouble but sometimes they need that to understand that what they are doing in their life is not okay. I had a BF in college who sounds like your Fiance and his mother even called (talk about guilt) to talk to me about supporting him and helping him get through it. and after I broke up with him it was like I had been living under a rock and this huge weight was lifted off my sholders. But don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t easy. It was probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

 

 

Post # 85
Member
9940 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
@ananombee:  Another thing to keep in mind is that users and abusers are FINE.  They really are.  He is not the one who is in trouble here.  YOU ARE.

Post # 86
Member
5089 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

View original reply
@ananombee:  My heart aches for you.

If leaving isn’t an option right now, then yes, go to counseling with him, but much more importantly:

GO TO AL-ANON. It exists exactly for people in your situation.

Post # 87
Member
3216 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Question– did you all move and then he found new friends to do this with?  If so, I don’t see how cutting off his friends will prevent anything.  He seems determined to return to this path, especially if he doesn’t think he has a problem.

Post # 88
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Don’t waste your time trying to fix this. Walk away now and be happy you are doing it before you two got married. 

Post # 89
Member
2103 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Do not marry this Juicebox. The End.

Post # 90
Member
762 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Backyard

Ok so if the drug addiction isn’t a deal breaker for you then why not the physical abuse, he PUSHED you while cursing at you. This is not okay. Coke doesn’t excuse this behavior. People who are willing to physically abuse you do not love you. I think it would be best for you to seek counceling for yourself to understand why you are okay with being treated this way. I know it’s hard to see things clearly when you are in the middle of it all, but some extra perspective might help. Remember that people will treat you how you let them. By staying with him you are giving him the message that it’s okay for him to treat you like this. You’ve only been together a couple years, if he’s pushed you already I’d hate to see what else he is capable of.

Post # 91
Member
312 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

So many of us have wasted our time on men like this. Please learn from our experience. This will not get better. Walk away. 

The topic ‘I don’t know what to do. Help’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors