(Closed) I don’t know what to do. Help

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 92
Member
366 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

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@Sunfire:  Another thing to keep in mind is that users and abusers are FINE.  They really are.  He is not the one who is in trouble here.  YOU ARE.

TRUTH.

OP, I thnk you’re getting a lot of harsh, and dare I say, frustrated feedback because several of us have BEEN IN YOUR SHOES. We’ve loved someone with a desperation that allowed us to think if we stuck it out long enough we could fix them. That they would remember that they love US enough that they would overcome their addiction/abuse/etc.

The thing is… he doesn’t even love HIMSELF enough to stop these destructive behaviors, so how can he possible make the sacrifice to you to work on overcoming his issues? Is he beyond help? Of course not, anything is possible. But he has a long way to go about truly realizing his problem before getting there. And if you stay on this path with him, you will only be beat down (figuratively, and potentially literally) if you travel it with him. 

I would wager a bet that if you were to post a poll on the Bee along the lines of ‘were you in a relationship with an addict/abuser where you stuck it out and it WORKED OUT’ that all the votes would be a big fat NO. 

Please, before anything else, tell yourself, and believe, that you deserve SO MUCH MORE in your life. You aren’t alone in this, many of us have been in your exact shoes. There is a reason that the Cycle of Abuse is a firm model; because it is factual and true of abusers! Your man is not an exception, as much as you want to believe, as much as we ALL believed.

My DH will sometimes ask me in bewilderment how I stayed so long with my ex, who was abusive. It was because I didn’t respect myself enough. But one day I woke up and realized I’d rather be alone and moving towards happiness then continually allow someone who claimed to love me to beat me down and make me feel so awful about myself. It was the worst thing I went through, and yet the best; it broke me down, I was devestated, sick, didn’t eat, lost a ton of weight… but one day I realized that much time had passed and I was better and happier than I had been in a long while. Going through that made me the woman I am today, and for that, I am thankful. And I sure as hell will make sure any daughters of mine are strong enough on their own that they’ll never take that crap from ANYONE.

Respect yourself, love yourself, realize you deserve more – and walk away. He needs to travel this path alone, it is not up to you to save him. You can’t possibly anyway; though I understand how desperately you want to. 

Post # 93
Member
2187 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

Leave him now. I know you love him and want to help him but break up with him and tell him to go to counseling and when he gets his life together then you can discuss a relationship. PPL are being harsh because they have been there and are trying to help you avoid what they went through.

I had a friend in the same situtation, she married the guy, had a kid and guess what? When he didn’t change (which your guy WONT because he doesn’t believe he has a problem) she said she wanted a divorce, well the psycho was high (on coke and god knows what else) and stabbed her, left her for dead and took their son, he KILLED THEIR CHILD and set the truck on fire. He is now in federal prision where I pray to god he never gets out because thankfully she lived, and she will kill him if he is ever released. Sure this guy was great the few times he was sober and he never thought he had a problem and kept promising counseling (to which he never went but said he would to pacify her). How wrong everyone was about him.

He has proven he doesn’t respect you when he was mackin on another chick and didn’t come after you. He doesn’t care about your feelings and believe me it’s only a matter of time before he gets more violent with you and I hope you leave before it gets to that.

Post # 94
Member
3302 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@ananombee:  He just needs to get there (sober) again and cut his stupid manipulative friends out of his life, which I know will be the hardest part.

Right.  All he needs to do is completely change himself and things will be great.

Ananombee, do you have any good friends?  The reason I ask is because I am getting the vibe that it’s just you and your Fiance and you’re hanging onto him for dear life because you feel that you don’t have anyone else.  I could be wrong…

 

Post # 95
Member
4304 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

The problems seem to be compacted into one thing — that he’s an addict.  But you’re looking at a myriad of issues.  When they’re put together, you’ve got A LOT going on.  I can understand wanting to help him as a person, though I don’t think you’re going to come out the other end with a model Fiance.

The disrespect in front of your parents, the blatant flirting, the unaccounted time he’s gone & you have no idea where he is?

This man does not have any respect for you.  He doesn’t value you.  He may be an addict on top of that which complicates the issues further — but I guarantee if roles were reversed he would have been out of there.

Why you’re doing this for him is beyond my comprehension.  You need to heal too, and think about yourself.  He’s literally sucking the life out of you.

Post # 96
Member
679 posts
Busy bee

The thing is, he doesn’t JUST have a problem with a slight addiction to alcohol, for which he is willing to get help. If you had posted here saying that he had an addiction and admitted it and was seeking help for it, and you wanted to support him, I’d probably say “Bravo!”

But there are too many other factors at play here. He doesn’t JUST have an addiction. He treats you like shit, abuses you, disrespects your family, manipulates you, and totally disregards your feelings. 

If you removed the addiction from the equation, would you believe the relationship is worth saving? Doubtful. All he’s doing is showing you his true colors. There are plenty of other people out there struggling with addictions who would NEVER treat people the way he has treated you, even in their worst moments.

On the flipside, there are terrible addicts with horrible personalities and mental problems who still had “good days,” who still had people who cared about them, and who didn’t seem like bad people…until they killed themselves or someone else.

To top it all off, he FLAT OUT TOLD YOU he doesn’t believe he has a problem. How many times and from how many sources will you need to hear that people who don’t believe they have a problem can’t be helped? You’ve heard it so many times, and from so many places, because it’s true. So believe it. 

He isn’t going to go to AA. He isn’t going to go to rehab. He MIGHT half-ass a counseling session or two to appease you. Do you really think that his less than 10% effort at recovery and your love for him will be enough to save him? 

The most dangerous thing a woman can ever do, in my opinion, is confuse her love with the power to save/fix/change a man. It DOES NOT work that way, as romantic a nation as it may seem. A woman’s love can help a man who asks for it and wants it. Love alone is never a cure.

Even if it was, he doesn’t love you enough for it to matter. If he was actually concerned about your love, and keeping it, he’d be a mess right now, doing everything in his power to help himself. He’s not. Instead, he told you he’s fine. 

What people are saying may be harsh, but I believe everyone here is just trying to get through to you. Please don’t be naive about this. At the very least, if you insist on staying with him, recognize that you’re in for a lifetime of exactly what you’re going through right now. 

Post # 97
Member
679 posts
Busy bee

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@ananombee:  You said this: “Imagine seeing the man you love struggling and needing help and you just leave.” I can imagine that. It would be terrible and I’d never want to do it. 

But then I imagine the man I love lying straight to my face, talking badly about me to his friends, shoving me and swearing at me in front of my parents, getting sloppy drunk and high on drugs and verbally abusing me, and I know I WOULD just leave. Because I don’t love ANYONE enough to put up with that. No one should. 

Post # 98
Member
1826 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

‘I will try my hardest before I just give up.’

YOU will try your hardest? What about him?! He’s not going to try because he doesn’t think there’s a problem.

I’m in the middle of this situation with someone I love right now. The screaming fights, the drugs, the drinking, the being treated like crap, spending nights in ER because of ODs…I have had to go to the point of kicking this person out of the house before for my safety and my family’s safety!

The big difference is I can’t just walk away…SHE’S MY DAUGHTER!!! And she is this way because of my ex playing with her head and exposing her to all this stuff…BECAUSE HE WAS THE SAME AS YOUR FI!!!

 

Post # 99
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

First, I want to say that I’m sorry for what you’re going through and I hope that at the end of the day, whether people opt for a comforting or more abrasive line of talk, you’re seeing some support here, and for better or worse this group of strangers doesn’t want to see you in a situation that seems so harmful to you.

I feel a lot of sympathy for your situation, especially when you say that it’s difficult to walk away.  Some of the people here have experienced similar situations and others probably couldn’t fathom it.  You love this person or else you wouldn’t want to marry them.  Regardless of what our loved-ones do you it’s not easy at all to turn your back on them.  You wanted to make this person your family and I’d have an all but impossible time walking away from my family.  We’re taught that it’s in sickness and in health.

I know you feel all those things and it’s got to break your heart to conceive of walking away and it’s got to hurt that you read through all these comments and the truth of what you need to do stares you in the face.  I know it hurts.  

But let me tell you right now: it hurts a tenth as bad as it could if you stay.  If you leave tomorrow that pain will pale in comparison to the pain you could suffer if you stay.  Of course you’re inclined to listen to him and trust him more than us – you love him, you don’t know us, but he is sick and he is the only one who can seek healing and you can’t wait while he does.  And you can’t allow how he has proven he believes it’s okay to treat you.  He hurts you, emotionally, and then pushing… He’s demonstrated he is not your champion, your protector, and when you take that for what it is, he won’t be a good husband for you.

Things are comingled and it’s never cut and dry, but I know I’ve started over and I’m a couple years out now and I can tell you, I’m happier now.  Other people here would testify to the same.

You have to sit and say this outloud to yourself, “I’m not as important to him as drugs and alcohol and I should be.”  Say it to yourself in the mirror.  It’ll sting, but then you’ll know you can’t be part of it and you can’t make that your family.  Family means more than that, marriage means more than that.  

This is bigger than you and it’s time to seek your happiness somewhere else.

 

Post # 100
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I work with ex- cocaine addicts. I read them your post. Want to know what they said?  Thisbis verbatim :she should leave, because he won’t change. He will do  the minimum that he needs to keep her happy, or if not happy at least complacent,  and  continue doing what he wants. He knows that he can yell at her, push her  and degrade her, and all she will do is get mad. A few ” I’m sorries” and a” I can try to fix it ” and all is Fine again.  The thing with cocaine is that you never beat the addiction. You want it, even when you are doing it you want more. And it has been 20 years since I last had a hit, and I STILL CRAVE IT. 


I got married, had twins  and still kept my habit. Wanna know what made me stop? I almost died getting some.  Birdie, I am 50 years old and I know guys that I used to run with and they still are in their same ways. You tell that girl to leave and not look back.  He won’t change, not untill he wants too, and if he thinks he doesn’t har a problem, then the Olny thing that will change him is jail or death.  


Please, please please op. There isn’t enough love in the world to fix him. And if he doesn’t think he is broke he will just break you. 🙁

Post # 101
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@AnAppleA_Day:  “Because I don’t love ANYONE enough to put up with that. No one should. ” — This.

 

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@imalittlebirdie:  I hope she reads this and takes heart.

Post # 102
Member
2050 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

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@ananombee:  I’m so sorry this is happening for you, but it doesn’t have to be this way. We are so willing to put up with so much, aren’t we? We champion them, we think “if only they will do X, then things will work out”, or “if only I did X then it would make a difference for him.” Unfortunately, you are trying to reason with an irrational person who has a series of emotional issues no doubt contributing to his behavior. You are trying to figure things out with someone who isn’t 100% willing to reciprocate for the good of himself first, and then the good of your relationship second.

How much more of this are you willing to take? I commend you for all you have done so far, but by leaving this relationship (by the way, who is looking after YOU in this relationship?) I think you would be making a healthy choice for yourself for once, and I don’t see it as you quitting anything — I see it as you grasping onto your life with both hands and not letting someone else and their problems drag you down into oblivion. There’s a difference between giving things a solid try and being supportive, and then there’s banging your head against the wall to no end, right? Good luck to you.

Post # 103
Member
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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@redheadem:  I think this is on point. This relationship definitely won’t work now because you’re giving him the idea that he can do these things. There is zero way he can think that. And if you DO decide to leave, don’t tell him that you’ll take him back if he changes. If he actually wants you back, he’ll do what’s right.

I empathize tho, OP, leaving is easier said than done. I’ve had to leave a bad situation after being with someone for years, living together etc and even though I knew there was zero way I’d be in it for the long haul due to his behavior it still took me 6 months to get out. There are so many logisitics involved, people ignore these things as if they aren’t real factors but that’s what life is, a series of responsibilities. And in my situation, he was also a really sweet guy, I couldn’t even believe my luck. But he turned out to have a violent temper, especially when drunk. It was terrible and I kept it from my family because I knew I wouldn’t like what I heard. One day someone gave me the best advice when I was struggling with when and how to end it, “No one is going to do it for you and it won’t ever get easier” and that was IT. I did it that day. 2 months later I started dating the man I’m going to marry. Life can change so quickly, believe that.

Also, I think the PP’s are reacting too much to the coke. Yes it’s a bad drug and I’ve never touched it but in my circle, a LOT of people do it. Successful, functioning people and it does not negatively impact their life. What you should panic about is him being a liar. He lies about doing it, he lies about where he is and he will continue to lie to get away from “dealing with your shit” and nothing is going to change about that.

I can also relate to the friends thing. The reality is, you’re going to feel even worse about yourself if you have to dictate where he is and who can he hang out with. Likely, he’s not going to abandon friends he’s had for years and that’s something you have to deal with.

I dont know, but good luck! And seriously, life really can change tomorrow.

Post # 104
Member
366 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

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@nushka:  Also, I think the PP’s are reacting too much to the coke. Yes it’s a bad drug and I’ve never touched it but in my circle, a LOT of people do it. Successful, functioning people and it does not negatively impact their life.

The same would have been said about Whitney Houston, until recently. Coke is a seriously addictive drug and has serious consequences; there is a reason for people to react so negatively to it and OPs Fiance taking it. Clearly it is impacting his life in a HUGE way.

Otherwise, I agree with your advice. 🙂

OP, please keep us updated. We’re all routing for you, even if we seem harsh with our advice, it’s only because we care and are mad for you that you’re in this situation! We all really want to come rescue you and cheer you on because you deserve happiness and goodness in your life! But only you can make the changes needed to move towards that.

Post # 105
Member
3580 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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@nushka:  Actually, I think we’re reacting to his behavior.  Knowing that he’s doing blow and lying about it just makes us more convinced that this is a pretty dire situation.  And here is the deal – there is no true functional cokehead, regardless of what you heard.  ASK IMALITTLEBIRDIE.  If it were true, she would be out of a job.

Post # 106
Member
390 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

It’s obvious what he is doing.. it’s whether or not you are willing to not be in denial and walk away or if you want to be in denial and continue in this crazy relationship.. although i don’t think you can call it that.

He is an alcoholic

He is a cocaine addict

He hangs around seedy unfaithful men

He disappears all night

He disrespects you at every turn

 

He is not being faithful to you.. you caught it first hand.. regardless of whether or not you caught him in bed. You gave him his ring and he didn’t react. He stayed with the girls.

Come on. You want this for the rest of your life?

WAKE UP.

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