- 9 years ago
- Wedding: February 2012
OP, I thnk you’re getting a lot of harsh, and dare I say, frustrated feedback because several of us have BEEN IN YOUR SHOES. We’ve loved someone with a desperation that allowed us to think if we stuck it out long enough we could fix them. That they would remember that they love US enough that they would overcome their addiction/abuse/etc.
The thing is… he doesn’t even love HIMSELF enough to stop these destructive behaviors, so how can he possible make the sacrifice to you to work on overcoming his issues? Is he beyond help? Of course not, anything is possible. But he has a long way to go about truly realizing his problem before getting there. And if you stay on this path with him, you will only be beat down (figuratively, and potentially literally) if you travel it with him.
I would wager a bet that if you were to post a poll on the Bee along the lines of ‘were you in a relationship with an addict/abuser where you stuck it out and it WORKED OUT’ that all the votes would be a big fat NO.
Please, before anything else, tell yourself, and believe, that you deserve SO MUCH MORE in your life. You aren’t alone in this, many of us have been in your exact shoes. There is a reason that the Cycle of Abuse is a firm model; because it is factual and true of abusers! Your man is not an exception, as much as you want to believe, as much as we ALL believed.
My DH will sometimes ask me in bewilderment how I stayed so long with my ex, who was abusive. It was because I didn’t respect myself enough. But one day I woke up and realized I’d rather be alone and moving towards happiness then continually allow someone who claimed to love me to beat me down and make me feel so awful about myself. It was the worst thing I went through, and yet the best; it broke me down, I was devestated, sick, didn’t eat, lost a ton of weight… but one day I realized that much time had passed and I was better and happier than I had been in a long while. Going through that made me the woman I am today, and for that, I am thankful. And I sure as hell will make sure any daughters of mine are strong enough on their own that they’ll never take that crap from ANYONE.
Respect yourself, love yourself, realize you deserve more – and walk away. He needs to travel this path alone, it is not up to you to save him. You can’t possibly anyway; though I understand how desperately you want to.