(Closed) I don’t know what to do. Help

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 107
Member
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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@WillyNilly:  I didn’t mean to come off as dismissive because it is very serious for some people but it’s not for everyone. The point is, there’s a difference between an addict and a casual user. That’s not for us to debate tho because we have no idea the extent of this guy’s habit. I just worry that focusing so much on the drugs is not the issue here because this guy’s being an asshole with or without the coke. It’s not the coke that’s making him turn off his phone or talk to other girls or blame his behavior on her or be rude to her parents or any number of other ridiculous things he’s done. It’s HIM that’s doing it and he clearly isn’t concerned or aware with her experience in life. THAT, to me, is the issue.

Post # 108
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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@WillyNilly:  Just as a note. I WORK with an ex coke addicts. I am not the coke addict. Haha.  We were slow last night so I was reading the bee and read it to my coworker. He’s got some problems still, after effects from many years of use but working with him is very intetestjng. 

Post # 109
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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@nushka: i agree with you too, however , any addiction would cause the same senerio. Is the guy a ducshe-canoe ? Most definitely.  Would any addiction make it worse? Oh yes. The point that i was trying to make is that from thisparticular addiction is that there is no getting better.  Op it seems was marking up her fi’s, bad behavior to his friends and the addiction. If she gets him away from the friends, the addiction remains, and  that is a lost cause.

Also, lying, hiding, and denial and  negatively impacting interpersonal relationships, these are halmarks of a serious addiction .

Parson any spelling or grammar errors, im on my iphone

Post # 111
Member
1074 posts
Bumble bee

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@imalittlebirdie:  Your co-worker is so right, thank you for sharing.

OP, I won’t say anything that you haven’t heard before. Just know that you are not a bad person for leaving, and sometimes with an addict you have to walk away to let them see just how much they hurt you and those around them.

Post # 112
Member
493 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

If you want to be cheated on and emotionally abused for the rest of your life then by all means, stay with this guy.  For your sake I hope you don’t.  I imagine you’re facing many tough decisions at the moment and I wish you well.

Post # 113
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I have already posted bit something that anappleaday posted just rung really true and I had to point it out and second it:

 

“The thing is, he doesn’t JUST have a problem with a slight addiction to alcohol, for which he is willing to get help. If you had posted here saying that he had an addiction and admitted it and was seeking help for it, and you wanted to support him, I’d probably say “Bravo!”

But there are too many other factors at play here. He doesn’t JUST have an addiction. He treats you like shit, abuses you, disrespects your family, manipulates you, and totally disregards your feelings.” 

I feel I am in a fairly unique position to speak to this as I have experience both in a situation (almost eerily) similar to yours where I dated an alcoholic who occasionally tried other drugs (probably much more than he let on) and had had to attend AA for court reasons and treated me very much how you describe (disappearing acts, big apologies but no follow through, started fights to excuse going out, shady friends, etc). I have also been with an alcoholic who does want to be well and does not treat me badly or do any of the things my ex did and I can tell you that having an addiction is not an excuse for that kind of treatment. I understand your argument of wanting to stand by him, but honestly you’re most likely hurting more than helping (and yes believe me I know that is not what you want to hear and again I urge you, whether you stay with this man or not – go to alanon. They will not tell you what to do but they will understand how you feel). When I left my ex finally got sober and got his life together (after “bottoming out” for a couple months). There is even a part of the big book of AA that talks about the fact that there are people who will try to use their alcoholism as an excuse to treat others poorly but that it is actually NOT an excuse and that you should not stay with someone like that. 
Take care of yourself.

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