Post # 1
My sister, let call her C, is having some serios problems. And they are not only VERY dangerous for her health and her future but also expremely painful for her family and home life. The last few years so has gone just plain nuts. She has never been without a boyfriend and sleeps with every guys she meets. She is VERY secretive about everything in her life and unbelievable angry at and dismissive toward everybody in her family. She is just 19 and has 0 personal hygiene. She literally sleeps with dirty dishes. She eats like nobodys business and doesn’t take care of herself one bit unless it involves her make-up and hair. She doesn’t care less about anybody elses belongings. She destroys them or steals them. She started drinking a few years ago and has taken up smoking. The smoking wouldn’t be a big deal unless you knew our family. My mother smokes and all our lives we have been begging her to stop. C especially has been on her hands and knees begging my mom to quit because of how dangerous it can be. And now she has started smoking herself. She is never home and when she is she is a living nightmare. Her last semester of Highschool she went from A’s and B’s to barely graduating. She has done other drugs, we know that. She wrecked the car her and her twin share and refuses to pay my parents back for it. I can’t remember the last birthday she has been to, given a card or present for. She is honestly tumbling down hill. She was on anti depresents but went off them. In reality, nothing has changed with or without them. My parents finally had it when they found a bunch of stollen wine bottles in her bedroom, empty and plates with things growing on them. She was completely dissmissive when they tried to talk to her about it and when they gave her an untimatime to change or leave, she left. She is staying with a friend. No car, no clothes. No nothing. Refuses to talk to my parents and is litterally mooching off this friend. She is going to get arrested for MIP sooner or later and after she wears out her welcome at her friends house, who knows where she will go. My parents aren’t letting her move back in. She is 19 and about as responsible as a 14 year old… if that.
Sorry this is so long but I just don’t know what to do. There is no way we can let her end up on the street. At the pace she is at she is going to end up in jail or pregnant if we are lucky. Is there any way to get through to her? I want to take her to my jail and make her work there so she can see what it is like. I want her to get a reality check. I want to take her to AA because she definatley has a problem or the beginning of one. She wont go for those because she thinks she isn’t the one with the problem. Its my parents and how mean and controlling they are.
Post # 3
My brother is in recovery (NA and AA). It’s hard, really, really hard. I know what you are going through. He abused substances and drank for 17 years. He went through a program when he turned 30 because he was about to go to prision for his actions. He was in and out of treatment for years, I seriously thought he was going to overdose and die. I didn’t think that this treatment would work. Three years later, he’s still sober.
Your sister is young. You can not change her. You also cannot be an enabler, because that only makes things worse. She has to change because she wants to. Many times people have to hit rock bottom for that to happen. Their bottom might be lower than yours. I don’t mean to be debbie downer, but there’s nothing that you can really do. She has to want to change for it to be lasting.
Post # 4
She’s not going to get help unless it’s seriously forced on her (involuntary admission) or she’s ready. I’m so sorry you are having to deal with all of this. It’s hard to see a family member have such a destructive lifestyle. Have you considered going to Alanon?
Post # 5
so this is such a “black and white” change. Have you considered that something may have happened to her and acted as a trigger for her going down hill?
If you still can reach her, I’d encourage you to talk to her:
in a very non-“get help/you’re crazy” way, but rather just talk as two EQUALS.
value what she has to say, and be understanding. No judging.
How is she doing? memories, and stuff you can relate, etc.
establish trust again. Try to get a bit deeper and understand. There’s always a reason.
Post # 6
Hedgie, I am so sorry. I hate to say this, but IMO there is not much you can do for her. She has to want help in order for it to work. It may be for her that she needs to hit rock bottom to give her a foundation to build upon. You are going to need to take a tough love approach with her. No she cannot stay with you, no money, no support other than listening to her and even that should have its limits. Do not allow her to be passive aggressive, pass the buck, whiney or blaming anyone other than herself. I have been there with my own brother and I truely believe this. If you need anyone to talk to, you are more than ok to PM me or text me. ((HUGS))
Post # 7
@kmsw: It isn’t as sudden, black and white as I made it sound. She has had maturity issues forever. It has just gotten really bad these last few years when she had friends who could drive and go places…
Post # 8
First off, let me say I am so very sorry you/ your family are going through this. It’s eerie how similar your situation is to what I recently dealt with, with my 19 year old sister.
She began drinking at 14 (unbeknownst to us), dropped out of HS her Sophmore year and just now got her GED.. Oh, and smoked cigarettes/weed, and did many other hardcore drugs. She got pregnant at 18, had an abortion, and spiraled downhill from there. I tried and TRIED to talk with her, reason with her, everything. She often got physical with me and said horrible things to myself and immediate family members. She even went as far as to tell our Mom that my Fiance wanted to “F**k her.” Completely untrue, and that was the last straw. We didn’t talk for about 4 months, and have just started communicating again. She said she has been clean for 2.5 months, and is also pregnant again. Keeping the baby this time. She seems to have gained some maturity, and wants to set her self straight & get her life back on track.
I guess what I’m trying to say is I can relate, and sometimes no matter how hard you want to help someone, they have to WANT to help themselves. We tried rehab, she wouldn’t stick it out. We tried talking, it didn’t work. Once your sister wants help, she’ll slowly start to change. Once again, I’m so sorry for you *hugs* I know what it feels like.. Your & your family will be in my prayers and I sincerely hope for a turn around for your sister!
Post # 9
Thanks guys. We decided to include her best friends in on the real truths of what has been going on rather than what she tells them in hopes that they care enough to help. Thanks for your support. This is going to be one heck of a ride.
Post # 10
@Mrs Hedgehog: I am sorry to say it really is going to be a ride. My sister has struggled with substance abuse and a personality disorder for about 10 years. Things will get better and then slow start getting worse until it is like she is going down hill on a bike with her feet off the petals. Last year she actually was in the hosital on a psych hold and spent several months in jail following her 4th DUI. If you every need to vent feel free to PM me:)
Post # 11
She has to hit rock bottom….and sadly its not a complete guarantee. Death or jail like Dr.Drew says.
Be as supportive as you can be without enabling her behaivor further!
Your in my thoughts and prayers, I know how difficult it is to deal with people in addiction and a life in decline.