(Closed) I dont know what to do (long, might be TMI)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.  You sound like a really supportive and loving fiance, and you should be really proud of yourself.  I think you said something really worth thinking over “how can I leave someone who needs hlep.  What if that was me and he abandoned me.” When we take marriage vows about in sickness and in health and in good times and bad … this is one of those times.  However, It is a HUGE deal, and you have every right to feel fed up and overwhelmed.  And I also think that if your gut is telling you not to get married like this then that would be a bad way to start a marriage.  What if you postpone the wedding, so that doing so alleviates some of your concerns about being married to someone who conducts themself this way, but still stay in the relationship and spend some time just trying to show him support, and hopefully getting him to get help, so that doing so alleviates your desire not to leave when he needs help?  Then you can always plan a wedding later.  It may take some time, and he may paint you as the bad guy for a while, but perhaps when he sees that calling off the wedding wasn’t your atempt to escape, and that you are still there supporting him, he may realize that you truly just want to help.

Another thought, depending on yoru person circumstances, is that maybe you should talk to your family?  He is going through something really difficult, and he needs your help.  But as a result, you are also going through something really difficult, and it would be ncie for you to have suport.  I really hope things work out for you.  

Post # 4
Member
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

First off,well done for talking about it, I don’t mean to come across as patronising, I just mean that it’s brave of you to admit that it’s happening and that you are not happy. 

I think you are right to postpone the wedding. Sometimes it takes something big like that to happen for thea person to realise the damage they are causing to their relationships. 

Sadly though as much as you want to save him from his addiction it doesn’t often work that way. He needs to WANT to change. My dad is an alcoholic and I have lost count of the interventions we have made to try and cure his addiction. It never worked because it was us that wanted it, not him. But like I said, the realisation that it is ruining your relationship may be the wake up call he needs. 

Please remember that by leaving him you are not abandoning him, you are infact trying to save him. You will still be able to love him and offer your support if you don’t live there, make him aware that you will still offer support to help him help himself but that need deserve to be happy too! 

Good luck in whatever decision you make. 

Post # 5
Member
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I think you need to postpone the wedding and seek help from an organization like alanon or someone who can help you understand what your life is going to be like married to an alcoholic. Good for you for realizing this problem needs to be addressed before you get married.

Post # 6
Member
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I agree with the PP’s. I think you need to postpone your wedding. This clearly is not the life you want with the man you love. When you marry him, you want it to be in a healthy, productive and positive way.

I suggest that you tell him that you need to postpone the wedding until you both get help. I recommend you both seek councilling. Alcoholism is not a personal disease, but a family one. As his SO, you should try checking out the Family AA groups or personal councilling.

I wish you all the luck in the future and hope you stay strong with your fight. Being with an alcoholic is not easy, but if you love him and are determined, and he agrees to try his best, hopefully you will both come out of this stronger.

Post # 7
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this.  It seems like he doesn’t want to get help at the moment, and he probably will not change until he is ready to commit to a change.  He’s getting defensive because he’s looking at your love and support as a personal attack.  When he is ready to change his life, he will realize that you are making these decisions out of love.  I would try to address the situation as a “team effort” sort of deal.  Instead of him trying to get help, maybe you can suggest that you both will get help: “We should get help together.  We’re going to get through this together.” Reassuring him that you are a team from start to finish may ease the situation a bit?  But either way, I wish you the best.  Even though we all don’t know each other on here, we’re always here for you if you ever need an outlet.  **hugs**

 

Post # 8
Member
3691 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Does he actually see his drinking as a problem yet?  

Post # 10
Member
2125 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

U are right to postpone the wedding. You can’t get married while the future of his drinking is still an issue. It will only get worse after you get married, trust me.

Growing up in a family of alcoholics I know too well about alcoholism. Sounds like he’s a pretty heavy, daily drinker. I know there are alot of bees on here who’s have alcoholic fiance’s who don’t drink everyday, but who cause them alot of heartache on the weekends as well as others who are dealing with someone who is showing signs of being dependent upon daily alcohol abuse. You aren’t alone.

Your fiance’ is right about one thing, he has to want to quit, and wether it be through professional help and couseling or good old self-control (I read in my psych book that many recovering alcoholics do so without treatment but it’s a firm choice they’ve made for themselves and trust from their families returns with time), it’s about waking up one day and deciding he doesn’t want to be this way anymore…and if he knows himself to be too weak to do it on his own, he needs help. 

he’s just not ready to quit, and I think u have everyright to be declaritive that you are not ready to marry until he quits. 

You need love, intimacy and comfort that comes from connecting, having sex, kissing and touching your partner….without that you don’t have a prayer. 

I imagine it’s hard to want to be intimate with him on your side at times. My fiance’ usually gets rediculously hammered on his birthdays and it really disgusts me. So, I can only imagine having to deal with that day in and day out.

I think you guys need to talk to someone. But all in all, don’t get married right now. 

Post # 11
Member
1622 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I have had more than one loved one with addiction issues.  I commend you for identifying the problem, voicing your concerns to him and having the courage to share it here for support.

I know that this is a really emotionally complex situation for you and I don’t want to belittle that in any way.  However, it may be helpful for you to sort things out by looking at the simple truths:

1. He is an alcoholic.  

2. He is lying to you with words or behaviours about how much he is drinking.

3. You do not want to be in a relationship with him unless he is seeking help.

4. He does not want help. He is twisting the situation to blame you and deflecting his responsibility.

5. You love him. You feel that leaving would be “abandoning” someone who needs help.

6. He may need help, but the more important question is does he want help? He can’t be helped by anyone unless he first chooses to want help AND help HIMSELF.

7. You cannot fix or change this situation. He must fix or change it.

I know that AA has support groups for loved ones of alcoholics, it’s called Al-Anon.  A local group in your area may be helpful for you.  Best of luck to you both! Continue to ask for support for yourself, whether here or elsewhere.

 

Post # 12
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Okay I’m going to be blunt because as a recovering alcoholic who’s married to another recovering alcoholic, I know how this goes from both sides of it.  First of all you should start attending alanon meetings.  I know he’s the one with “the problem”  but it will help you deal with your half of the relationship.  Second he doesn’t want help.  He’s in denial.  You said yourself that he thinks he doesn’t drink that much.  If he wants help he will either ask for you to get it for him or get it himself.  If you force him to get help it probably won’t take if he doesn’t want it.  You said you hate him when he’s drunk.  You also said he’s drunk most of the time.  Don’t marry someone you hate most of the time just because he’s nice sometimes.  You deserve someone who will treat you well and who you absolutely love ALL THE TIME!  By staying with him you’re enabling him to continue acting this way and telling himself that he’s doing fine.  Absolutely postpone and wedding and take a hard look at the relationship before you marry this man.  He may get sober eventually but you could have to endure 20 years of misery before that happens.  Or he could die first.  Not trying to be harsh this is just the reality of the disease.  Ask yourself if this is what you want to walk into.

Post # 13
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m not a fan of ultimatums, but he can’t get help unless he wants to, plain and simple.  I would set out a timeline with him. Tell him that you’re postponing the wedding. Then, tell him that he has 3 months to clean up his act ‘on his own’ or whatever he says he’s doing right now.  Tell him that, after 3 months, if you don’t see any progress, he has to get outside help and stick with it.  Make a timeline that works for both of you.

How long have you two been together? Has he always been like this? Was it a slow worsening or triggered by a traumatic event?

The topic ‘I dont know what to do (long, might be TMI)’ is closed to new replies.

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