(Closed) I don’t know what to do (long vent)

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
1982 posts
Buzzing bee

Hmmm Fiance and I just had a similar discussion. He’s not a “planner” and I need someone to plan and be responsible with me.

I’m interested in the replies to this post.

I’m very very tempted to tell you that you should write down how to pay all the bills/put them on bill pay on your bank account so that you just click a button to pay. Then show him how to do it, and from then on, it’s on him. You just remind him once a month and HE does it. I think that’s going to be one of our compromises, maybe it will work for you.

Post # 4
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

I am sorry you are having to go through this, but sometimes with guys if we keep at them about something, they just tune us out. Most of the time it is not intentional, but it does happen. I think you should just see if you can switch your trip to a different date. Be honest with the travel people and maybe they will take pity on you or at least give you a discount on the change. To me, it looks like he has a lot on his mind. I don’t know when your trip is, but maybe your Darling Husband didn’t think it was anyone’s business right now that he was leaving. He thought he was in the clear. Technically, his assistant manager should be the one to change her dates because she changed her time.

Post # 5
Member
1982 posts
Buzzing bee

Actually, yeah, I agree with Noritake: she should take the hit, and not only that, she’s an assistant so yeah, seniority rules. Not that I’m trying to be mean, but I totally think it’s valid that he gets the time off.

Post # 6
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

I have been with my Fiance for 9 years. I would not trust him to pay the bills. I have tried in the past, when we first got together, to have him take care of them, but he just couldn’t. I just do it because it is easier. He is better at some things than me and I am better at some things than him. He is very responsible and takes care of me in other ways. I do 99% of the planning in our relationship. We do not keep track. We just do. We complement each other and that is how it should be.

Post # 7
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

We have a word document that goes step by step, bill by bill how to pay the bills online.  We had too, it’s a lot to do and you have to be organized and have all the passwords and links.

As for your honeymoon, can’t the general manager tell the assistant manager to suck it up?  Why do YOU have to change?  Why can’t she?

Post # 8
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

I read an article a year or so ago about the phenomenon of women essentially taking care of their boyfriends and husbands as though they are just a very large child. It happens to many women, and in many cases both members of the couple feel that it’s just fine, and often the woman feels gratified to be able to take care of and manage her husband as a part of her household. The argument made in the article was: it’s not okay. It may feel okay now, but if you don’t ever force your man to take some responsibility for himself and for your household- to grow up and become an adult – he never will, and it’s inevitable that you’ll eventually grow to feel resentful of being taken for granted so. Your example is a very unfortunate one, and I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. Look at it as a very important wakeup call to receive so early on in your marriage, and hopefully you can start backing off and forcing him to step in and meet you halfway in doing things like the bills, the laundry, anything at all you find yourself doing for him now. One couple in the article, the woman was responsible for getting her husband out of bed in the morning, just like he was a child! He wouldn’t get to work without her dragging him out of bed against his protests. Of course not every relationship is that extreme, but it’s very important for a couple to be an equal relationship, and that means in some cases stepping back and leaving room for your man to assume some responsibility.

Post # 9
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

I’m pretty sure the “responsibility class” is called “life”. His mother did it all, now you’re doing it all. If he can’t remember how to do his cell phone bill, too bad. The rest of us remember because if we asked someone to do it for us, they’d laugh in our face (well my Darling Husband would: “what am I, your slave?” I think is what I’d hear!) I think that’s what you have to do for him because otherwise you’re right, he will find it difficult to hold down jobs and you won’t ever be able to trust him to help run the household. What is it about artists? My Father-In-Law is an artist and has similar odd habits (he doesn’t answer the phone, EVER, but then if you turn up he accuses you of coming “unannounced”). I’m not trying to generalise but artists seem excellent at living in a world of their own that doesn’t involve bills or shifts or anything. Lucky they have other great qualities 🙂

I’m sorry I don’t have any specific advice about sorting out the honeymoon – sounds like something for their business to deal with, rather than you personally. I hope it works out, I can’t imagine how frustrating that is!

Post # 10
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

As an addendum, I hope I don’t come across as passing judgment – the same thing could easily have happened to us. Years ago, we had a very special weekend planned, and randomly had to move it at the last second when I found out he hadn’t told anyone at work that he planned on taking a day off. It’s a process.

Post # 13
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

@ Dolphinbride – I get the feeling that being married to an artist is quite different to being married to other folks! I’m sure you will find a way to cope with his quirks, the way anyone does since no one is perfect. That movie thing would get on my nerves though!

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