Post # 1
Member
13 posts
Newbee
Help is the only way I can start this post!
I have been engaged to my fiancé since September 2011. Looking back now I think I jumped into booking a date a little too quickly (we were booked and a deposit was down by October) and after a year and a half or organising, I don’t know how I feel about the wedding or even getting married at all!
I have been with my partner for almost 3 years and until only a week ago was as happy as could be. 2 weeks ago I went from happy to confused & upset.
I don’t think the wedding has been particularly stressful (minus maybe the money side of things and fretting about having thee right bridesmaid dresses) but all of a sudden (literally from nowhere) I dont know if I even want to get married!
I care soo much for my partner and don’t want to me without him, but right now my feelings for him have become numb. I suffer with OCD unforunately related mainly to my relationships and I can’t tell whether it’s my mind playing tricks or whether I have just fallen out of love.
We don’t argue, he makes me laugh, he’s caring, loving – everything you could want from a fiancé, but I just cannot find that spark. Is it normal to feel this way? Could it be a big chance wedding plans have taken their toll etc, or do I need to accept that I’m out of love and that I entered to break the whole thing off?
We live with his parents & foster siblings so never ever have time to ourselves. I don’t feel that butterfly feeling in my tummy anymore, but is this just normal? I want it to work and regain that spark but is it impossible?
Ive never felt so confused and alone in my entire life. I’d love to just run away, but I know that isn’t an option.
Any advice would be much appreciated X
Post # 3
Member
668 posts
Busy bee
I think it’s normal for the butterflies to dissipate after a while. Especially living together you fall into a certain routine and I can see how it sometimes feels like you are just roommates. Maybe try doing some of the things you used to do when you first started dating? Even recreate your first date if you can. Have him pick you up, or meet there, however it was the first time. All those old romantic butterfly feelings will start coming back. And it’s fun to go down memory lane and see how far you’ve come. Talk about how nervous you both were and look at how far you’ve come now. Living with lots of other people might make it hard to have alone time, so make it a priority.
Also, you might want to talk to a counselor or therapist about your OCD, maybe there is something that can help?
Post # 4
Member
13 posts
Newbee
Thank you riverbride.
I have had previous therapy for my OCD and medication. However stopped last year due to feeling okay (the usual re occurring thoughts had diminished). I am going to restart my medication this evenig and see what happens there.
I agree with everything you have advised and I wish we were in a financial place to be able to move from his parents, but saving for a wedding has made this an impossibility.
I want this to work soo much and surely that has to count for something?
What an awfully crappy situation 🙁 x
Post # 5
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee
Love is a cycle – sometimes you’re up, sometimes you’re down. I think movies and tv shows have really warped my perception of what love is, maybe you can relate. movies and tv shows make it seem like if you don’t feel butterflies and rainbows 100% of the time, it’s not right. reality is more complicated. Sometimes it’s boring and there isn’t much to say to one another. Sometimes you fart too much and he gets mad at you. Just because it doesn’t always feel magical doesn’t mean it’s wrong – hang in there and you’ll cycle back to that feeling again. Too many people run around, giving up great relationships to chase a fleeting feeling.
Post # 6
Member
966 posts
Busy bee
@ConfusedBrideToBe: It’s only been a week, and especially given your anxious personality, I’d definitely just wait it out for a while before doing anything at all. There are definite ups and downs in relationships… sometimes they’re situational or interpersonal, but sometimes they’re just hormonal/chemical. Give it a couple weeks and if you still feel the same, talk to him about it and maybe seek some therapy. OCD, anxiety, paranoia… all make relationships difficult and twist your brain into knots… I would know. haha. Give yourself some time first, try not to worry about it, and see how you feel by about February.
@Erin418: “Sometimes you fart too much and he gets mad at you.” I LITERALLY laughed out loud when I read that. Thank you. lol
Post # 7
Member
13 posts
Newbee
Erin – This is soo so true. I keep seeing clips of couples and comparing how they look to how I feels which I guess is ridiculous as how do I know they re not feeling the same as me?
At the moment I’m worried that I should still be running around with that silly ‘first met someone’ smirk, but realistically that isn’t real life. I’m not going to be constantly craving for him like I did when we first met, I’m now jut content x
Post # 8
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee
@ConfusedBrideToBe: To what degree do you think that living with his family contributes to this? For me personally, I’d rather delay, or skip a wedding altogether, rather than live with parents. I wonder if you really get a real sense of what your married life will be like together if you’ve never experience living alone together.
Post # 9
Member
13 posts
Newbee
Yanimari – Thank you so much for your reply. The worst thing aboua mental health problems is the fact you can never tell whats real and what’s your mind playin tricks! It’s so exhausting!
it’s comforting to hear you all have similar thoughts and feelings in the subject. In def going to give it some time and maybe spend some time apart to see what happens.
Seasalt – the having no time to ourselves and constantly being with his parents in our free time I believe has caused this. The lack of quality time spent time together I really think has cursed a ‘staleness’ to the relationship.
I think the choice of moving into his parents (however lovely they are) was the worst decision we could make x
Post # 10
Member
13 posts
Newbee
Apologies for the spelling errors and shortness, but I am using my mobile x
Post # 11
Member
3553 posts
Sugar bee
@ConfusedBrideToBe: It sounds to me like you guys need to have a talk about reinstating some quality time into your lives. I’m not suprised you’re not feeling the ‘spark’ if you’re never alone with your Fiance. My Fiance and I definitely act differently in private than we do in front of other people (we would probably drive others up the wall with our mushyness). If we never got that time alone to be mushy, I too would probably start feeling like my relationship was less loving.
Post # 12
Member
4326 posts
Honey bee
@Eckle: +1 Definitely talk to your Fiance about the lack of alone time/private time. Is there any possibility of you two moving out on your own?
Post # 13
Member
13 posts
Newbee
Eckle – The more you guys reply, the more I think the biggest problem is staring me in the face! Along with the stress of planning etc, money worries, job insecurity the one thing I’m desperate for (time alone with the man I love) isn’t possible. I feel trapped! Thank you so much for your reply.
Ladybear – unfortunately not. We will not have the money till the end if the year at least 🙁 I know it’s no ideal way to spend the first few years of marriage 🙁
Post # 14
Member
4952 posts
Honey bee
Just from your post, it sounds like you’re having anxiety due to the planning, but not so much because of any issues in the relationship. Take a breath. It’s ok to be nervous. Can you scale back your wedding plans to make it less stressful?
Post # 15
Member
13 posts
Newbee
Gferg – I dont suppose there is any reason why not. The last conversation between myself and my fiancé was whether or not to wawebsite wedding or not. Maybe an extra year would help ease the stress? I’m sure it would help the money side of things?
Post # 16
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
@ConfusedBrideToBe: I think you sound pretty normal, honestly. I can understand what you’re saying and totally understand re: the OCD.
I think that you’re scared because it is a big change/commitment… that is normal.
It’s also normal to get into a routine and not feel butterflies all the time.
Try to do something to spice things up.. try something new… go for a weekend away etc.
Just sounds like cold feet to me.
Member