(Closed) I dont know what to do. I feel like i am being a jerk

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Hostess
7564 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

I’m sorry, but I think you have to invite all neices and nephews (including those of your step-family) or none. There’s no way to not invite the step-family and not offend anyone. 

Post # 4
Member
7872 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

In my opinion, you don’t need to invite step-siblings (and their children) if you didn’t grow up with them. To me it’s the same situation as relatives of (say) your sister-in-law. i.e. when your brother marries, his wife joins your family (as your sister in law) but the rest of her family does not, and you’re not obliged to ever invite your SIL’s parents or siblings. By the same token, when your mother marries, only her husband joins your family, you don’t have to invite his adult kids, and grandkids.

My FIL remarried, and his wife’s daughter (technically my husband’s stepsister) has never been invited to family weddings, and we didn’t get an invite to hers – nor did we expect one.

Post # 6
Member
1975 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@paula1248:  +1 couldnt of worded it better

Post # 7
Hostess
7564 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

@paula1248:  I’m really surprised you said that, but as long as the OP’s mother says it’s ok, I guess it’s fine. 

Post # 9
Member
8120 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Sorry but I think you need to invite them. These kids are you new nephews and nieces. What sort of welcome to the family is it to purposefully exclude them from your wedding when the other nieces and nephews are there.

Personally I think you can kiss goodbye ever having a good relationship with your step-siblings if you choose to exclude their kids.

Post # 10
Member
7872 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@j_jaye:  I see what you mean. That’s why I said it’s better to not invite the stepsiblings either.

Maybe my family dynamic is weird, but I don’t see why you need a close relationship with virtual strangers when the only connection is your parents met and married a few months ago when you were an adult. Not only does my husband have a stepsister we rarely meet, but I have two stepsiblings of my own who I’ve only met once. (Though that’s partly because they live interstate). In fact I can’t even remember their names.

Post # 11
Member
1114 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Presumably if you’re getting married later this month, you’ve already sent out invitations?  In which case, I don’t think your new step-siblings can get funny about their kids having not been invited.  However, I’m firmly on the side of inviting only who you want to.  Mr CL’s dad got married last year, and his wife’s kids are only invited in the evening.  On the other hand, his step-siblings on the other side (i.e. his mum’s husband’s kids) are invited all day, because their parents married when he was about 10 and they’ve been around throughout his childhood.  Try not to stress about it, especially as your mum said it was OK.

Post # 12
Member
8120 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@paula1248:  I just think the OP’s scenario is different from yours. You have had a long term no contact relationship with your step siblings. This is a new situation and if the OP is close with her mother and intends to spend a lot of time with her and her family then I think it makes a big difference. If these people are going to be constantly in OP’s life then something like this could end up causing a rift/strain and ruin the chances of ever having a good or at a minimum civil relationship with them.

Post # 13
Member
9956 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I am with paula1248:  on this one.

I am an Adult and I am currently planning my Elopement / Destination Wedding followed by a Back Home Reception

The Back Home Reception will be for Family & Friends.

My Dad has been divorced for eons, and he remarried awhile ago… to a lovely woman he dated for a couple of years.  We are all close

Of course my Dad & his Wife would naturally be invited to our Back Home Reception.

But there is no way, I am planning to invite his Wife’s Grown Children (my age) and their kids.  We all know each other, but we are not close, and don’t socialize unless there is an occasion that involves either of “our Parents by Marriage”

As an Adult, it just doesn’t compute.

It isn’t like these are TRUE Step-Sibs where everyone grew up in the same house together… these are just casual acquaintances in many ways… folks I see occasionally (1 or 2 times a year) and don’t otherwise have a relationship with.

It would perhaps be “polite” for the OP to Invite her NEW Extended Family (I take it she doesn’t know them all very well either, seeing as her Mom went from Dating to Marriage pretty quickly)… but certainly NOT NECESSARY

If numbers are tight… I’d certainly give ’em a pass

And if anyone says anything in passing say…

“Mom’s Wedding came on pretty suddenly for us in the midst of our own Wedding Plans… and sadly a lot of things were arranged long before that happened.  So sadly we couldn’t fit you guys in… I hope you understand”

 

Post # 14
Member
847 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

so sorry that you are in such a sticky situation. i think that if your invitations have already gone out, that they should understand. but then again i’m the kind of person that believes in only inviting people you really want to be there on your big day. i think that you should trust your gut and think about how you will feel after the wedding.. will you regret not inviting them? or will you regret scrambling to try and accomodate them and have to put up with them possibly running around and screaming during your ceremony, first dance, etc?

Post # 15
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@paula1248:  I’m with you on this one.  Adult step-siblings you barely know are not the same as family you’ve had for your entire life, and their children are not the same as nieces and nephews you’ve known since birth.  It is not like the Brady Bunch, and most likely OP’s interaction with the new step family will be limited to a couple holidays or dinners per year.  There is no requirement or expectation that one must forge some kind of close relationship with their new step-siblings just because their parents married later in life. Don’t sweat it OP.

Post # 16
Member
9956 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO – j_jaye:  you said,

I just think the OP’s scenario is different from yours. You have had a long term no contact relationship with your step siblings. This is a new situation and if the OP is close with her mother and intends to spend a lot of time with her and her family then I think it makes a big difference. If these people are going to be constantly in OP’s life then something like this could end up causing a rift/strain and ruin the chances of ever having a good or at a minimum civil relationship with them.

Agree, that the OP doesn’t want to do anything to cause a rift with her NEW Step-Sibs (hence her uneasiness, and posting the Question here on WBee)

BUT other than that…

Sorry, I don’t understand this logic at all.

I appreciate that the OP may be close to her mother (I too took away that from her posting).

BUT no where did I get the impression that she intends to spend a lot of time with this extended family…

Infact, that sounds a bit off to me…

Typically when people get married they spend less time with their family, and more time with their spouce.  And making their own way in the world… as a couple.

I’m missing the connection you seem to have made thru the postings in regards to hanging out at Mom’s and actively being involved with the NEW Husband and his Kids, and his Grandchildren

 

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