(Closed) I dont know what to do, please help.

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 33
1044 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@ohdear: We don’t matter. You are the one who cheated, you are the one who has to come clean (because he DESERVES it) and you have to deal with the consequences.

Post # 34
2088 posts
Buzzing bee

@ohdear: Just so you know, I pm-ed the user you claimed to be, just in case it’s not actually you. 

I don’t mean to come off as bitchy. It’s just that I would want to know if someone was claiming to be me.

Post # 35
2088 posts
Buzzing bee

In case anyone wants to know – 

This isn’t actually a troll. She has sent me a PM from her real account.

(Maybe knowing this is a real girl will help with advice/support.)

Post # 36
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

i think it’s kinda weird/sad that the OP defends the co-worker saying he’s a good guy and isnt sleezy.  I think knowingly fooling around with a married co worker is not a characteristic of a good guy.

Post # 37
10713 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

@ohdear: Yeah, I’ve been cheated on… I found out at a carnival in front of hundreds of people when the girl asked my Fiance (at the time, ex Fiance now) who I was… it was horrible and I’ve had relationship issues and trust issues ever since. I was crushed… a little part of me died that day.

Don’t let that happen to your husband… tell him yourself please.

Post # 38
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

You are willing to leave the husband but not the job….because you love your job????

Where is the love for your husband????

Im baffled by the fact you could LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND BUT NOT THE JOB. Your priorities are messed up.

Be fair to the man you made vows to and tell him the truth.

My heart breaks for your poor husband.

Post # 39
4767 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Yeah, I’ve cheated on my ex-FI with my current Fiance.  If it had been later and I was already married to my now ex, I prob would have done the same.  I’m not proud of it but it was probably the best decision I made in my life adn if I had not cheated on him I probably would not have the currage to leave.

Post # 40
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I would tell him the truth, no matter what happens the truth is the best option.  I was married once before and he cheated on me and denied it over and over again. The rumors and people coming to my work telling me I was stupid for being with him cause he was cheating on me made me feel worthless and like crap. When his best friend showed me pictures, I finally divorced him.  Please do him the favor and let him know. It took me about 5 years to get over it, and since then have had trust issues with any male I know. I finally found someone I love and who loves me back, and your husband deserves that too.  Don’t destroy him just come clean.

Post # 41
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@goldengirl331, I’ve flagged your post.

OP- you definitely did a terrible thing, but you clearly feel guilty about it and are in a tough place right now. There are definitely those who feel like telling doesn’t help anyone, but I think you have to consider your husband first: would he want to know? I would want to know, and if you think he would prefer the honesty (ask yourself honestly) then you have to tell him.

Beyond that, I would talk to a counselor or therapist. Do you want to save your marriage? I know you’re confused and overwhelmed right now, but (as others have said) cheating has a cause, and if you love your husband and want to stay then you need to fix whatever is going on with you. A counselor could also help you walk through the process of telling your husband if that is what needs to be done. Don’t compound the cheating by lying about going to therapy – you can tell him that you’re having some issues and are confused, and need to talk to someone about it. That’s definitely the truth here.

Not being willing to leave your job (which I would do, in your situation, but you need to make that call), what can you do to separate yourself completely from the coworker? Do whatever you can – no talking to him, no calling, etc. – to get away from that situation. Sleezy or not, it doesn’t really matter – his presence is not helping you. 

Yes, cheating is an awful thing, and if I were ever cheated on I would be heartbroken – but I have to say if my Fiance cheated and, 1) was honest with me about it, 2) did everything to get away from the person he cheated with, and 3) was willing to go to counseling with me and work on our marriage, I would stay. Maybe your husband feels the same way.

OP, I hope you figure this out. Others have been where you are. Just think about whether you want to remain married or not, and move forward with integrity from here. I don’t think you’re an awful person or anything, and I hope this works out for you.

Post # 42
941 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I know this is getting a bit long already, but I want to throw this out there since no one has yet.  

I think before you decide what to do (whether to tell or not) decide how you honestly feel about the marriage.  Honestly ask yourself if you want to continue it, or if there’s something about the marriage that you don’t feel okay about.  (because as PP said, it’s important to consider your reason for cheating).

If you do want to stay married to your husband, I’d suggest you seek out couples therapy (if your husband is willing to participate).  That would be a great resource to not only work on regaining your husband’s trust, but to also get to the root of the challenges occuring in your marriage that lead to your behavior.  (Not to say that you didn’t take the actions you did, though I have to imagine things weren’t 100% peachy and jolly prior to your actions).

Whatever you choose to do, good luck!  This sounds like a not good situation, and I hope it works out in whatever way is best.

(after I typed this I saw that the person before me said what I did.  But, I still thing it’s a good idea, the whole counseling thing 🙂 ).

Post # 43
7873 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

As someone who was cheated on by her ex-husband, I would say regardless of how you want the marriage to work out- you should tell your husband that you cheated.  It is awful to find out from someone else and by not telling him you run the risk of him finding out from someone besides you.  You have already cheated and can’t take that back but going forward you can at least be honest.

Post # 44
2161 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I think you need to get yourself into counseling first of all.   Even if you lose your husband, you will still need to get the other issues worked on.

Also, you have said that you may regret it, etc…  But, I haven’t (yet, still reading) read where you absolutely love your husband and would do anything to make it work.   You just don’t want to hurt him, which in inevitable. 

Post # 45
6593 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

It is unfair that you cheated and it is even more unfair that you believe you have a choice to refrain from telling your husband.

I believe that you are being selfish and only thinking of yourself in this situation. Your husband married you, you vowed yourself to him and now you have betrayed him. Not telling him will be a second betrayal. And to be completely honest I don’t think you should have any options but to tell him and then he has two options: To leave you or to stay with you and try to work it out.

Post # 46
2441 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

You don’t need to decide if you’re going to leave your husband right now.  But you DO need to be honest with him and tell him what you’ve done and why you did it.  It seems you have trouble communicating with your husband.  (And maybe he has trouble communicating with you as well.)  But… now it is time to do the right thing.  It will certainly be difficult!  When both of your lay it all out on the table reconciliation may eventually occur.  Hopefully your husband will forgive you and the two of you can work on the underlying problem(s).  That’s why it’s important to confess what you did AND tell why you did it.  Did you take your vows seriously when you made them?  Marriage can be difficult and they all have a variety of problems.  Successful marriages have couples who work through their problems, not run from them.   

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