(Closed) I dont know what to do, please help.

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

You need to tell your husband. Why do you alone have the right to try and figure out if you want to stay with him and make your marriage work? Doesn’t he have the same right as well? He deserves to know the truth about what you’ve done and decide on his own whether or not he wants to stay in the marriage. It’s not just up to you; it’s a decision you both have to make.

And like others have said, I think he would be more understanding, much less hurt, and more willing to work on your marriage if you tell him the truth now than if you continue to wait. Personally, I would rather hear early on about cheating and try to deal with it together (whatever that looks like) than have it come out months later and know that my SO has been lying to me for such a long time. It’s a lot harder to undo betrayals that span long periods of time because whole chunks of your relationship start to feel like a lie. 

Also, if you are even remotely serious about trying to make your marriage work or figure out why you cheated, you need to leave your job. Period. It could be the best job in the world and that wouldn’t justify staying. You need to get away from your coworker right now, even if that means leaving your job. If you stay at your job and continue to see and interact with this guy on a regular basis, well, that is completely unhealthy and suggests that you’re not really interesting in salvaging things with your husband or even discerning what’s going on with you personally. 

Post # 48
Member
1309 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Honesty is almost always the best policy but I have also heard from a marriage counseling angle that revealing a one-time affair to the injured party is usually a self-soothing act for the wayward spouse. Your conscience is going to start to kill you and the tension may grow so unbearable that you long to relieve it by spilling the beans. 

However in your case it doesn’t look like a one-time slip-up but an ongoing situation where you’re going to be in constant contact with the other man. I don’t think you can avoid addressing this with your husband and I think if you want to save your marriage you need to get a different job.

There is a good website called survivinginfidelity.com, and it actually includes a forum for wayward husbands and wives who are trying to get their act together. It’s important to acknowledge that infidelity is devastating both for the cheater and the cheatee – I’m sure this is not who you thought you were or who you want to be and it must be crushing to realize you’re capable of doing something so rotten and hurtful. But you are not alone and there is help available for people who want to change and grow and become capable of a mature committed relationship.

Post # 49
Member
2906 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@ohdear:I’m with you that I’d rather leave my husband than tell him if I cheated (and vice versa–the one thing I’d have him lie to about is if he cheated on me–I do not want to know!)

 

You need to get over this work colleague.

Back in the day people got over cheating and worked on their marriages and stayed together for a long time. Go back to those days. Make it work–you made a commitment.

Post # 50
Member
32 posts
Newbee

“Back in the day people got over cheating and worked on their marriages and stayed together for a long time. Go back to those days. Make it work–you made a commitment.”

@ellabee: People use to/still do get abused (emotional abuse is still abuse) in relationships and stay together; that doesn’t mean that they should work on their marriage and stick to their wedding vows.

 

To the OP: I hope whatever you decide to do with your life, that your husband will be able to move on and have a happy life with someone who won’t cheat on him. He wasn’t the one who made the mistake.

Post # 51
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

if you don’t tell your husband and you continue to live with him and sleep in the same bed with him, the guilt is going to kill you. it’s better to come clean and face the consequences so that you can move on with your life… you can’t have it both ways unfortunately.

Post # 52
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Any man who would go after a married woman is disrespectful and does not, and will not respect you.  Don’t confuse LUST with feelings…Temptation can confuse us.  Seeing your coworker everyday is going to continue to tempt you.  Go away for a weekend with a girlfriend and really think this one over.  Or better yet, if you’re a beleiver, ask God what to do. I’m sure you will find your answer.

Post # 53
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@ohdear:

“For better and for worse.” I’m sorry, but those words hold you accountable for everything you do in your marriage. It’s always easier to just leave and say “well, I’m just not happy.” But based on your vows you are obliged to do everything in your power to work this out. You should figure out why you aren’t happy, why you cheated in the first place and then do everything you possible can to help save this marriage.  That’s the least you can do. He is your HUSBAND not a boyfriend. If anyone has the right to leave it is him – he was the one cheated on, not you. It seems to me like you wanted to leave him even before the cheating happened at all, otherwise you wouldn’t be so eager to go. I’m sorry this is happening to you, but you need to step up and do what’s right, not do what is more convenient for you.

Post # 54
Member
6350 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m surprised no one has brought this up yet but what about STDs? Your husband believes you have been faithful when you have not. This opens him up to Save-The-Date Cards. He has a right to know.

Post # 55
Member
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

You worry about making the wrong choice, but the choice is no longer yours, it’s your husbands.

 

Tell him, and let him be angry. He will be. See if he’s willing to work through it, and get you two into couples therapy to see what you need to do to keep your relationship and fix it if thats what you want to do, because clearly it IS broken. 

Good luck!

Post # 56
Member
4505 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

If you want to repair your marriage, you have to remove yourself from your coworker completely, which means, yes, leaving your job. The temptation to cheat will be too great otherwise. You messed up, but you can at least do the right thing going forward.

Post # 57
Member
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I definately think you need to distance yourself from your co-worker, these things are hard and you are obviously going thru a difficult time, but regardless of whether you stay with your Darling Husband or not I dont think the future lies with your co worker

Post # 58
Member
2188 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m not quite sure what to say–yes, you made a big mistake, but where do you stand at this point? Do you love your husband still?

It’s easy to think you have feelings for someone after being physical with them. When in actuality its not for real. But go back to when you married your husband–what made you fall in love with him? Why did things get to the point where you felt the need to go to someone else to fill your sexual needs…

I’m sad for you…because I can’t imagine being in your shoes. I couldn’t ever imagine being with someone else and breaking my FH’s heart by telling him 🙁 it has to be hard for you too. Everyone makes mistakes, we are all human. I am not going to be judgemental…if you need support feel free to PM me

Post # 59
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2011

As a woman who just found out about her fi cheating, I have to be 100% honest here… I think you should come clean. It’s better to be honest and let him hear it from you than find out thru FB or somewhere else… Maybe you two could do some counseling..

Post # 60
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think youre attitude in this post is completely warped. 

You need to tell your husband, not only because it is the decent thing to do but because it isnt about you anymore. This decision of whether you stay or go isn’t completely up to you. Your husband needs to know because, as the wronged party, it should be his choice whether he can forgive his cheating wife or whether HE wants a divorce.

If he decides he can forgive, and you still dont want to be married, then of course then you are free to make the choice for yourself but by not telling your husband, he is completely unaware of the state of his marriage when really the choice should be his.

Post # 61
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m not 100% sure I agree that telling your husband is always the right thing. I think a lot more cheating goes on than people realise or like to admit and sometimes it is actually meaningless. If thats the case, telling someone might cause them unessicary pain. The flip side being if they find out another way – it hurts 10 times as much.

Saying that, in your case it sounds like your not sure its a mistake and your not sure why so I think for you it would be better to tell your husband so you can either work things out or go your separate ways.

 

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