Post # 1
I have vaginismus. I know this, Fiance knows this, I’m sure people on WB know this.
Every time we try to have sex, we make it about 10 minutes in and then have to stop because I cannot take it anymore. My vagina tightens up and I literally cannot take Fiance inside me anymore. It’s awful and it happens every time without fail. It seriously makes me want to stop having sex altogether, but I know that’s horribly wrong to Fiance. He is so supportive and understanding and doesn’t mind if we never have sex again (which is why I’m asking this question! He deserves an adequate sex partner).
I don’t know WHY my vagina does this to me every time we have sex. Even when I am super relaxed/tipsy/comfortable, it still happens. Fiance always manages to help me finish (externally-I’ve only orgasmed once internally, and it began hurting right after that time) and then we begin having sex. Like I said above, 10-15 minutes in my V can’t handle it anymore and tightens up to the point of extreme pain. In the past..4 months or so, Fiance has not finished with me. I feel like total crap because of that, because he deserves his too, you know? I’ve tried letting him wash off and me give him a BJ, but it takes so, so long and by that time he kind of loses his erection.
I don’t know what to do. I want to please him. I want him to finish. I feel like a failure because he can’t ‘get off’ with me! Is there anything I can do? I really hate asking stuff like this on the internet, and I feel so ashamed right now, but I’m desperate and to the point of breaking down and crying because I feel like I’m not good enough for him. I have ZERO sex drive now and zero confidence, and he can tell I think. I know he wants to have sex, despite him saying he is fine with us not having sex. I know there are ‘other things’ I can do, but as I said before, it takes an eternity and it loses the spark after 3 hours or so. :/ Is there any advice anyone can give me? Anything at all? I don’t want a sexless marriage. I refuse. I just don’t know how to make my body function correctly. (Note: We have tried going extremely slow, we’ve tried working up to it by using one finger, then two, then him going inside me, etc, and NOTHING makes the pain stop.) Help?
Post # 3
Have you tried talking to your doctor? She might have some advice.
Post # 4
I’d seek out a reputable sex therapist in your area – or find someone that specializes in vaginismus. From my limited understanding of vaginismus, your muscles are tightening and you have to retrain them to relax. There are graduated (sized) dialators that can help stretch and relax the muscles – assuming that’s the only issue (and there isn’t something else medically related involved).
Post # 5
I agree with the seeing a doctor suggestion.
Post # 6
The only issue with going to see someone that specializes in this (or even a regular OBGYN) is that I’m still under my parent’s insurance and it only pays for certain doctors affiliated with the hospital we work for. On top of that, the doctors it would pay for are shoddy and a bit screwy. I don’t trust them and I don’t want to waste my time there. The only thing I could think to do would be to go to a free health clinic, but I hate going somewhere that I wouldn’t be paying for the service- I don’t want to just use the system (I see it happen too much on a daily basis as it is). :/
I am getting on FI’s insurance next year when we get married, but that’s another year away and I don’t want to wait that long.
I’m worried he also might have problems (testosterone levels, ED issues, etc), and I have other medical issues on top of that that I HAVE talked to a gyno about-I’m on medicine for cramping pain and other pain. Basically, we won’t be conceiving, but I’d still like to have enjoyable, long-lasting sex. :/
Post # 7
I’d seen this a while back and thought of it when I read your post: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_c5n4R0txA&feature=relmfu
There are apparently ways to “train” your “V” – I know you said you have limited health insurance coverage, so perhaps go for just a consultation or two to learn about the exercises you can do at home?
Post # 8
Have you tried using dialators?
Post # 9
@StefLovesJamie: First off… (( HUGS )), I am sorry to hear that this is happening to you.
I was just reading something about this today that was quoting Canadian Sex Therapist Sue Garvie (lol we have an abundant of women who are world reknown sex therapists here in Canada)… unfortunately, I can’t seem to find that link right now… believe I clicked thru to it on another website when I was reading the NEWS earlier this morning (if I do find it… I’ll post the link)
Anyways, the article said, that Intercourse pain is a major problem for many women… it is the new sex issue of this decade, like ED became a big deal since 2000.
The good news is there are ways to treat this problem, so that women can have better experiences.
A Doctor might be able to help you… but a Sex Therapist can certainly do wonders is discovering the correlation between your head, your heart, and what is combatting you from enjoying sex.
As others have said, you can do a GOOGLE SEARCH and find out some great info online as well (much of it will be articles that you can read for FREE).
But you may still have to deal one-on-one with a therapist to get insight into what it is that is “blocking” you from sexual enjoyment (I know that some Therapists, Sue McGarvie included have books, blogs and even do on-line counselling)
Post # 10
If you can’t see a doctor at this point, but still want to try to have sex, could you start him off with a BJ, and get him close to finishing, THEN start having sex? This is the scenario I’m envisioning (not literally, of course, as that would be creepy): He brings you to orgasm, you give him a BJ until he is getting close to orgasm, and then you have sex until he reaches orgasm. If he is close, then he shouldn’t take more than 10 minutes.
Although, if you are implying it takes him 3+ hours to finish with a BJ, maybe I’m wrong. Has he ever orgasmed through sex with you? How long does it take? Does that also take hours? I don’t doubt you have vaginismus (though of course you should see a doctor for an official diagnosis) but I don’t think any woman would find sex for that long very comfortable.
Post # 11
@StefLovesJamie: short term solution: if you are willing to blow him, blow him if he’s half limp- blow him up (pun intended). There are times when the mans half limp- I just get ‘his’ attention again for the big finish.
Post # 12
Um… I know this is probably a recipe for disaster but have you tried alcohol? I used to have pain during intercourse as a result of being on BC and I would get so frustrated that sometimes I would just start drinking before. i’m not saying to have complete drunken sex (although there’s nothing wrong with that, and that’s likely to be pain free 😉 ) but maybe a few drinks will get you excited enough to have sex but also numb enough to enjoy it.
Post # 13
@AnAppleA_Day: That’s a great idea! We’ve been doing it backwards the entire time, but that seems like it’d be the best solution! Thank you!!!
@WonderBee: Even drunk, it hurts. In fact, it almost brings me out of my buzz when the pain starts, and I don’t know why.
Post # 14
I suffered with vaginismus until last year. Once I decided enough was enough, it took me a month before the sex was tolerable. Now it feels great, though I haven’t gotten off from it just yet.
The first thing that helped me was coming to terms with it as a mental block. The vagina was built to give birth to babies, babies have shoulders! The penis is nothing in comparison.
I bought a set of dilators off amazon, a big bottle of lube, and went to work. I started out pleasuring myself first, then used the smallest dilator that brought on pain. I held it in there and practiced relaxing my muscles while deeply breathing – just push out hard! I’d do this until the pain was too much. After a week, I started inserting before pleasuring myself, still pushing out hard, and would pleasure myself with it in. I never touched myself unless a dilator was in – associating insertion with pleasure is important!
When I was ready to try with my partner, I just kept telling myself to relax, practiced deep breathing, and consciously pushed out like I was trying to force him out. It worked. I now don’t have to consciously relax or push, I have complete control over my vaginal muscles. Last night was the first time we didn’t use any lube and it made me feel great! I’m 33 and this has killed relationships, so it feels like a huge victory to enjoy my partner.
Post # 15
I also suffered from vaginismus. Here’s what I recommend:
- Buy a dilator set. I recommend this one – http://ww2.pureromance.com/PUBLICSTORE/catalog/productinfo.aspx?id=290
- Use lots and lots of lube. A lot of vaginal pain is due to dryness.
- At first, I also used a bit of erection delay gel. it contains lidocaine. I’d just put a little on my fingers and put ’em inside. My doctor said this was fine. You can also ask your regular doctor to prescribe a stronger dose of lidocaine.
- I also recommend reading this book – “Sexual Intelligence: What We Really Want From Sex—and How to Get It” by Marty Klein. It’s a great book and helped me redefine how I look at sex.
Post # 16
My doctor told me that having an orgasm tightens up the vaginal muscles. Perhaps if he went first, you’d be a bit more comfortable? The PPs have given you great advice. I hope you two get this worked out, you are clearly devoted to one another and deserve this!