(Closed) I don’t know what to think about all this anymore…

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
4352 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@juneebee:  I would go back to hanging out with friends more. When my Fiance and I bicker it tends to be because I haven’t gotten out of the house enough. And holding in the marraige talk is tough. I was always terrible at it. Do your best to keep it to a minimum, but don’t forget to congratulate yourself every now and then for maintainingyou self control.

Post # 4
Member
1013 posts
Bumble bee

I went through this a few weeks ago.  I was very keen on getting engaged and i thought he was too.  But i was talking about it too much and he was feeling pressured and i was frustrated. Anyway it only lead to hurt feelings, resentment and bickering for no reason.

We had a discussion about things.  I cried and ended up being brutally honest with my feelings.  I was hurt and frustrated.  If he didnt want to be with me then we should just end things…blah blah blah.

Anyway what came out of the brutal conversations was that he did want to marry me, breaking up had never crossed his mind, he had tried ring shopping but was confused, and now we’re better than ever. 

Its my PERSONAL belief that sometimes they need to know how much you struggle to understand you need their reassurance. 

Post # 5
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

How far into the marriage talks have you gotten? I am not really in the “engagement should be a surprise” camp. I think if he wants to do a romantic proposal that’s fine, but are you sure you’re both on the track to marriage? It sounds like he’s just putting it off so he doesn’t have to deal with it in any real way.If you haven’t seriously discussed the logistics I wouldn’t be holding my breath for a proposal.

 

Post # 7
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@juneebee:  I was just having a hard time gathering from your post whether or not you’ve actually had a sit-down open and honest discussion about marriage (future goals, finances, kids, home ownership etc). A discussion beyond just him saying he wants to marry you, or rings. I’ve just seen a lot of ladies on here going through the same thing (“He said he wants to surprise me but now he won’t talk about it and he hasn’t mentioned anything for months”).

I normally don’t like to bust out the timeline, but I think it can help in the sanity department. It’s not fair that you have to just sit around wondering if he’s going to ask you or is serious about this. I think if a man knows his girlfriend is anxious to get married or to at least have the reassurance that marriage is in the near future, he shouldn’t dangle it over her head under the guise of keeping the proposal a “surprise.”

Post # 9
Member
2207 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

i understand completely what you’re saying. two of my SO’s friends are getting married in June, and he is in their weddings. I’ve been going to the brides’ bachelorette parties, bridal showers, drinks to talk about the wedding, etc, and i’ve been feeling anxious as well.  he has generally been really closed off (not necessarily opposed to the idea- he has always said he wants to marry me, but just not vocal about it at all), and he changes the subject as quickly as possible.  i feel like the last couple of weeks have kind of been my breaking point.  i don’t want to issue an ultimatum, but i DO need to see forward progress. not necessarily ring shopping or an engagement, but open discussion about it. i’d like to be able to bring up things that i would like at our wedding without feeling like i’m being sneaky or pushy.

 

anyways, i set a date in my mind that is my cutoff.  i am 100% sure about him, and i have been for the past year.  if i was the guy, i would have proposed at least 8 months ago. and if he hasn’t figured it out yet, i feel like an idiot sticking around. Undecided  i feel like a jerk for saying that, and i think it sounds like i don’t love him, but i’m just tired of feeling like i love him more than he loves me. and it’s resentment over him waiting so long that is the catalyst for these feelings.

Post # 10
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

“I might be waiting, but I might be far from it, and I’m starting to lose hope”

I think that men not allowing women to partake in the timing and progression of the next step in a relationship is utter bullsh!t. You’re both adults, you both have future plans. Both of you being on the same page about the next couple years of your life together is essential. It isn’t fair to keep you in the dark, and I think you need to find a more convincing and firm way of letting him know that it just isn’t ok.

KatyElle is 100% right – enough with the magical secret deadlines that the women here often have. It’s your future, too. You deserve to have an equal role in it!

Post # 11
Member
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

None of this makes sense to me. Either he wants to marry you or he doesn’t. A man who does should have zero problem having a sit down conversation about it. Not be be blunt, but dropping comments here and there, but then refusing to have real, grown up talks about it doesn’t scream ” This man is ready!” at all. That screams ” Let me say what I need to say to keep her hanging in there and to get her to quit talking about it” Why should you have to wait another year to even begin to have this adult conversation? Why is it on his terms only? Why are you selling yourself short? Why can’t you voice how YOU feel, what YOU want for your life without him telling you to back off? 

Post # 12
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

When my Fiance and I got engaged, we set up a relative timeline but it was still enough of a surprise.  Due to work/schooling, my life had enough of a timeline in that I have to move 10 hours away in August– we discussed it last year and came to the conclusion that if we wanted to move together, we’d need to be married.  We had one or two talks about it later (in October), trading venues and even nailing down tentative dates for a possible wedding and then I let it be.  At the end of January, he proposed.  I knew it was coming a little (because I told him I needed 6 months to plan and he was cutting it close!) but we had enough of a moratorium on marriage-talks that it didn’t feel like I was expecting it every moment. 

I think it’d be worth it for you to discuss when you’d like to get married– next summer? this fall? next spring? Nail down a time and make sure you’re both on the same page.  Make sure he knows how much planning goes into a wedding and then let it be.  If he doesn’t hold up his end of the bargain or makes excuses, you’ll know more about where he stands.

Post # 13
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@mixtapehearts:  I agree with you.  I had no doubt my Fiance wanted to marry me.  

Post # 15
Member
1747 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Your SO being in the midst of getting hired for a job was probably a huge stress on his life. Knowing this, I don’t think its unreasonable for you to kind of chill and focus on your own thing. It was clearly a time for him that required mimimal thinking about his future and more thinking in the now, trying to get his job, which we can’t really blame him for.

I think Steve Harvey said it best. That men really need to be established and comfortable in their career and monetary situation before they will truly entertain the idea of putting a ring on it. 

And since you love him for the right reasons, I think you should be patient and know that he is responsible enough to get his career in order before he makes you lofty promises of taking care of you for the rest of your lives.

Post # 16
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@juneebee:  Personally, I’m a planner. I just don’t see how people can procrastinate when it comes to who they are spending their life with– I couldn’t accept “we’ll figure it out someday!”  My Fiance is similar and we made it clear that we planned to get married this summer so that we could move together and start a life in my new city. 

Do you want children? Do you want to own property? Do you have any kind of life event that will give you a timeline?

I agree, you should never have to feel like you’re forcing him to propose or that you’re pulling teeth trying to get him to talk about your future… but the fact that you feel that way says something to me.  My Fiance and I aren’t planning on having children for another 5 years, but I can bring them up anytime I want and he rolls with the conversation– it’s not stressful, it’s not forcing him to have children before he’s ready, it’s just talking about our life together.  You shouldn’t feel like your SO actively avoids marriage conversation.

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