I don't know where he is again tonight

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
1124 posts
Bumble bee

Wow. Okay. That’s a lot you have going on. I’m sorry you’re dealing with all this.

Let’s prioritize this with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.

#1: Basic Needs- Safety, food/water. Is there anywhere you can go to stay, like with friends or family who could take you in while you sort the rest out? You are unsafe right now and that is not okay. And you need to take care of yourself especially right now, so make sure you are eating and drinking enough.

#2: Relationships/Support. You need someone you can confide in in person. Someone you can trust. Based off what you said here, you need a new therapist at the bare minimum. And hopefully a good friend who can help you stay strong through this.

For your own mental health and safety, you need to be rid of this man.

#3: Self-esteem. Do you currently have a sense of purpose? Do you have a job? Once you separate from your soon-to-be-ex, you will need to find your own source of happiness that will give you strength and build up your self-esteem. A new job, a new hobby, volunteering, etc are important things that can really change your life for the better

I think these are the most important to focus on. You probably need a specially trained trauma therapist to help you process all of the chaos and destruction in your life. I wish you healing and strength during this difficult time.

Please check back in on here so we know you are still okay!

ETA: I know this post may be a bit overwhelming, but if you take anything away from my post, PLEASE get to safety ASAP. That is the most important thing right now. The rest you can take one step at a time.

Post # 17
472 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall

I’m very sorry about your mom. What a truly difficult time.

Your “husband” is not being a husband to you. 

I recommend using protection if you keep having sex with him because who knows what he’s truly been up to…

I truly think you need to leave this man, which I know sounds scary after so many years, but you’d be so much better off without him. 

Post # 18
10704 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Sansa85 :  

Either the doctor is a complete incompetent—it happens; or,

the OP has been minimizing the abuse and not being honest with the doctor—the minimizing is typical, but the doctor still wouldn’t be making sense; or,

the OP is not telling us the truth.


There is a certain internal consistency to OP’s story that makes me inclined to believe much of it; though, she could be fuzzy in some areas.

Post # 19
4064 posts
Honey bee


Wake up and go to a lawyer to have a separation agreement drawn up. Make a comprehensive list of your accounts and investments. Get therapy because you need it so badly. 


Post # 20
2139 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I constantly need to remind myself that it is equally possible for a 40 something + year old woman to google search “advice on husband staying out late” and come across the bee to ask for advice as it is for this to be a work of fiction.

This choice is not difficult. End this relationshit. This is not healthy and you know it. There is nothing to salvage here. Get a lawyer and a new doctor/therapist. 

Post # 21
833 posts
Busy bee

amethystlover :  I am sorry for the loss of your mother. You have gone through a really hard time and the abuse you have been subjected to is inexcusable. 

The fact that your doctor expects your abuser to give his side of the story is appalling. Does your doctor not know about the abuse? If your doctor is aware, I would say look for a new doctor. You should not have to be subject to your abuser again. 

I wish you the best! Put yourself and your wellbeing first.

Post # 22
9632 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

Bees, please give this poster the benefit of the doubt and remember to be kind.

Post # 23
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

amethystlover :  How you holding up today? 

Post # 24
1312 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

You’re being abused on multiple levels by an addict. Please get out. Please leave this situation any way you can. 

Post # 25
2576 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

You do not deserve this. Your husband is a piece of shit. 

You lost me at drug dealer and as I kept reading I see he’s a rapist. 

I’m so sorry Bee. 

Post # 26
530 posts
Busy bee

You do NOT deserve this – your husband is literally a piece of shit. I’d kick him out, file for divorce & change the locks.

I am so sorry bee! ❤

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