(Closed) I don’t know where we belong :(

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
582 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’ve been there, and will be there for a while! This was a huge issue for Fiance and I, especially 3 years ago during a bit of a crisis in our relationship. It was between Cincinnati (me) and Nashville (him) for us. After 2 years LDR, I moved to Nashville to be with him and have now been here 2 years. I really want to raise our (eventual) kids in Cincinnati near my family, but we just bought a house here. He finally agrees that it might be better to move to Cincy eventually, and it is the practical things that you mention that are what swayed him. We could afford a much bigger house in OH/KY than in Nashville. Private schools are cheaper there, and public ones aren’t as bad either. The only thing is that neither of us know how it will work with our jobs and whether we’ll have kids first or when it will be. Well, it can’t before November 2012, because that’s how long we have to stay in the house we just bought to keep our tax credit!

I don’t really have any solutions, but I just wanted to let you know I’ve been there. Since he’s the one who initially moved, did he see it as a “deal” that the two of you made? I know for a long time I tried to make Fiance promise we would eventually move back to Cincy, and that was dumb of me. It wasn’t until I let go of that need that we moved back from the brink of breaking up and actually started falling in love all over again. Does he see your not wanting to move back to Charleston as you breaking some kind of deal–whether or not any kind of deal was really struck between you?

Post # 5
Member
4464 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Would it be possible to move somewhere completely different?  Like maybe in between your two families?  Or with the same “feel” and amenities of Charleston, but at a lesser cost?  Just a thought.

Post # 6
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I’m sorry… your situation stinks ๐Ÿ™

My family and friends are 3+ hours away.  I decided to take the bar exam and start a career in my FI’s home state.  I do sometimes get lonely and miss my family.  His family is very sweet, but I just can’t relate to them… I get along well with his sister and my Future Mother-In-Law, but we just don’t “click.”

So I understand how your Fiance feels.  And sometimes I think it would be better to start fresh and live somewhere where we are both the new kids in town.  But it is important to have family around if you plan on having children soon, so I understand your wanting to stay in St Louis.

I think you need to be very upfront about this.  Tell him that you don’t see the two of you ever moving back to SC… period.  Then he can make an informed decision about how to deal with this.

I can see how he could be confused if you said “I’d love to but we can’t.”  It sort of just depends on how much you would love to… nothing is really impossible.  If moving back to SC is priority #1 to him, he might be willing to make sacrifices that you are not in order to live there.

Post # 7
Member
3125 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

i agree w/ hotchild – move to a neutral location that could split the difference? or get a house with an in-law suite in the more affordable city that you live in now.

Post # 8
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

It’s a tough situation. I think it would be difficult for you to live “somewhere in the middle” as a negotiation. Eventually one of you will give in, it’ just kind of what happens. From my experience usually what the wife wants, the wife gets. I have 2 friends in similar situations are you.

Friend #1 has family in California and their SO has family in TX. The SO keeps making the argument for the advantages of living in TX versus living in CA (cost of living, cheaper to buy a house, etc) but Friend #1 puts their foot down and say over my dead body are we moving to TX. Although SO wants badly to move to TX it’s never going to happen b/c Friend #1 won’t let it… alas SO has conceded and they’ve ceased to argue over it.

Friend #2 has family in Pittsubrgh while SO has family in California. Friend #2 and their SO intend on moving to Pitt eventually in the next few years to raise their family. Advantages to living in Pitt are exactly the same as mentioned above. SO has agreed to move there, despite them having to move away from family.

My point, things will work out. Frankly you guys don’t need to be arguging over these kinds of things now. You aren’t even married yet. Both of my friends ARE married already, thus their decisions and discussions are relevant. You and Fiance have a lot of things to handle (planning a wedding),  you don’t need to be tearing into each other over something like this. You’ll cross that bridge when you get there. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 9
Member
2077 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I have to disagree with Bunny22.  These things don’t always “work themselves out”!  Talking about this before marriage is the responsible and mature thing to do, In My Humble Opinion.  My Fiance and I have had many talks about possibly moving around the world.  It wasn’t until 3 years into our relationship that I knew he, very seriously, wanted to live all over the place and it was almost a deal breaker for me.  We’ve compromised and decided that we’ll live outside of our hometown, maybe in another state, but close enough to be able to go back home with less than 1 day’s drive.  Also, your Friend #1 doesn’t seem like such a great role model, she wasn’t even willing to compromise?!  “Over her dead body”?!  I didn’t think people actually talked like that!

EDIT- To the OP:  My Fiance and I had a LOT of talks about this, like I stated in my paragraph above.  We talked until our faces were blue.  Neither of us wanted to change our minds about moving, but we both had to.  We decided that the best of both worlds (so one of us wasn’t miserable for the rest of our lives) would be to settle in the middle.  I like the other poster’s suggestions of moving between the two cities.  It might work out, and you’ll both be able to start your lives somewhere new together.  I wish you the best of luck, because I do know how emotionally straining talking about this is.

Post # 10
Member
4464 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Agree with LindsayB.  The living situation is a very important thing to discuss.

Fiance and I grew up about 45 minutes away from each other.  We met when I was home for the summer.  I knew that I never ever ever wanted to live in or near my hometown again.  I wanted to live in NYC.  Fiance was hesitant at first but agreed to give it a try.  5 years later, he loves it (we both do)  Even though we are 10000000% happy here in the city…we still keep this discussion open.  When we have kids, we might need to move to an outer borough.  If we want to leave entirely, we’re going to Florida.

Neither of us had ever lived in NYC or have any family here.  We just started fresh together and it’s been a fun adventure.  If we ever move to FL, it will be the same thing as we know no one there.

Post # 11
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

I think that some bees may have misinterpreted what I said. When I said that “things work themselves out”, I truly meant that a solution will be worked out… regardless of how much arguing is going on and if you can’t see eye to eye right now. In no way did I suggest that they never discuss their living situation.

Obviously it is important to talk about the future and where you want to live. But… if you’re going to rip each other’s heads off right now over something you want to do 3 or 4 years down the line, then you’re not really going to accomplish much at present time in this argument. I suggest that you just give it a little rest and maybe at the end of the year or sometime next year when you have more or an idea of where your lives are headed then you can make more of an informed discussion.

This is just my opinion. I don’t enjoy arguing with my Fiance and typically don’t like to escalate a situation to where we’re yelling and screaming at each other… esp. over a decision that’s uncertain and can be discussed later when more thought has been put into it.

@LindsayB – My friend didn’t use those kinds of words.. I abbreviated the situation and left out a lot of details. Leaving CA wasn’t an option b/c her entire family lived there (her family is very close knit and his family isn’t) and given their progressive liberal thinking… moving to TX wasn’t an option no matter how much cheaper it was to live there. Her husband only wanted to move to TX b/c of cost of living; nothing more. Sometimes you have to consider whether or not your lifestyle fits the location. So in that instance, I would not hold it against her if she didn’t want to compromise.

Post # 13
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

@June – I don’t think that just because someone had to compromise what they wanted … that they will be hurt or upset. In the end it’s your life together and whatever the outcome, as you said yoursef, you’re going to just be happy being with one another.

Do you like FI’s family and would be okay raising your family around them? Just asking b/c sometimes this is not the case.

How about this solution.. since STL is cheaper to live in, maybe you can see where you are financially for the next few years living in STL. During this time you could try to save as much money as possible and see if it’s feasible for you to buy a house in Charleston w/the money saved. Also you can see what kind of job opportunities you’d have by this time and hopefully both be able to job gets that pay more in order to support the higher cost of living. Meanwhile you’re at least getting your family’s support system and are working toward some kind of future with Fiance.

Post # 15
Member
2077 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Bunny22-  I’m sorry if I came off harsh, I really didn’t mean to!  Sometimes this internet stuff reads a but different than it’s meant to.  Also, I did misinterpret the meaning behind your words, so I do apologize.  I agree that everything will work out eventually for june42011 and her Fiance, and I hope it does soon.  ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 16
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee

 I can tell you that when I was younger NEVER wanted to leave my hometown.  But after we had kids for a couple of years, a financial shift occurred, my husband lost his job, at the same time, I had finished training for a career where I could make nearly triple the money he could make at a job but it was offered 2 hours away.  So , we moved, he became a stay @ home dad with the kids and worked on a beautiful old fixer-upper-house.  Later, for several personal reasons we decided to move, and it was me that wanted to move and we moved 3,000 miles away!!!  Years ago, I never would have even been willing to or have considered that.  Life throws different situations at all of us, and who knows what will be the best place to live with each new change of the wind~ At least you will both be together to support each other through life’s situations, for better or worse.  Know that over the course of your lives together that where ever you are you create your own family.  Moving away from family etc. may be difficult, but it can sometimes be the best place you need to be at the time.  And someday you may really get to live where you both will want to live.  Sorry this is long.  ๐Ÿ™‚

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