Post # 1
So my bf is recently engaged and planning her wedding. She has been with her Fiance for 7 years and he never proposed until now. I never said too much about not liking him because well, would she listen? We are adults we make our own decisions and I honestly thought she would leave him. Well she inherited a ring and gave it to him and that’s how she is now engaged. She is paying for the wedding with some $ she also inherited.
Why I don’t like him? He is a loser that stays home and never takes her out. He lives at home with his mom (35 yrs old) she lives there also. He makes 2x as much money as her but she pays all of the bills because ” he is bad with money”
He is also socially awkward, he never talks or likes going out with all of us.
He is also jealous, doesn’t like her wearing revealing clothing.
In the past I have mentioned how he isn’t good, and she would agree but then make excuses for his behavior.
Now that she is engaged she doesn’t mention anything bad about him ( she used to constantly complain about not being engaged) I haven’t even seen him in a year since he literally never comes out . she acts as if everything is normal now and those previous problems never existed.
I want to tell her how I feel but I don’t want to lose her. I’m a little too late I think.
I am the maid of honor.
Post # 4
What can you possibly tell her that she doesn’t already know or that you haven’t already said? If you want to maintain your friendship with her, you keep your mouth shut and be ready to be there for her if/when it all falls apart. Unless he’s abusive, but you haven’t said anything that suggests it.
Post # 5
Hmmmm, thats a tough situation. Does she know you dont like him, at any point over the last 7 years have you ever said anything? If you have and she never took any advice from you before she probably wont now either. It sounds like you want to say something so maybe you could step down from your maid of honour position and when she asks why you can explain to her that you want to be there for her but its too hard to stand up and support something you feel shouldnt happen. Again, I dont know if this would come out of the blue to her or if she already knows you feel like that.
HOWEVER, that being said, I personally wouldnt say anything, but thats your personal choice. She is a big girl and can make her own decisions and she would probably be more hurt and objecting to a wedding is something that can end a friendship so if you do say something losing her is something you have to be prepared for….it will not go smoothly if you say something I can guarantee that, she will be really hurt. I think the best thing you can do is just be there for her through this and whatever way it goes just be her friend and support her.
I just re-read and saw that you have said a couple things to her, so she knows and hasnt cared so saying something now isnt going to chage anything. If you feel really strongly about it I would just step down from Maid/Matron of Honor position, but if it doesnt bother you THAT MUCH then suck it up and support her.
Post # 6
I wouldnt say anything else unless you want to lose a friendship with this girl. There are plently of relationships that I dont understand. And I have plenty of friends with strange boyfriends/husbands. But I would never dream of saying anything. It’s not your place, and you don’t have to like him. You just need to be civil. She is in the relationship for a reason.
Post # 7
Honestly you’ve already told her these things, so there’s not much more you can do. Part of it is, you don’t really know what goes on in their relationship or why he makes her want to marry him. She may be so thrilled with the way he makes her feel that she’s willing to be the one managing the finances and overlooking his other faults. Just because you don’t think he’s good for her doesn’t mean that he truly isn’t.
If you really must say something one last time, say something like “Jane, I have always pictured you with more of a go-getter type, and I hope that Joe makes you every bit as happy as you deserve to be. Tell me about the daydreams you have for yourselves in 10 years.” That ought to get her thinking without putting her on the defensive and without making you look like you’re stirring up trouble.
Post # 8
I have been in this situtation before. Thankfully my friend came to her senses before they even got to the point of enagagement, but she was always dreaming of them getting married one day. I am a mettling kind of person when it comes to my friends happiness, but at the end of the day if they don’t want to hear it what will happen is you will just lose them as a friend and if he is an abusive type of person, that is exactly what he wants to happen. So, give your opinion if she asked for it or her life is in danger, but if not, you have to just bare it until such time as she makes a move.
It is torture, but you have to ask yourself if your friendship is worth more than your opinion about him.
Post # 9
I think it’s too late. I have unfortunately been in this situation a few times, and saying something never helps. I had a friend say “well, he treats me like shit, but…” and I said there was no way to finish that sentence that could make him the right person for her, and of course she didn’t like that. Especially since the end of the sentence was that she thought marriage would solve their problems. Then again, they have been married 3 years and are surprisingly happy. So I guess you never know.
Another friend married a total jerk, but we all had said our piece years ago so we had resigned ourselves to the fact that it was happening. Her family, however, didn’t admit defeat and threatened all kinds of things. Her sister (and maid of honor) cried tears of rage all the way down the aisle. But my point is, it’s too late. Unless she expresses serious remorse to you and you can diplomatically agree, I’d just keep my mouth shut.
ETA: I have also been on the other side of it. I dated a jerk for five years, and my sister and best friend both hated him and told me regularly, and it put a huge strain on my relationships with them. They had been telling me for years, but I had to figure out for myself that I hated his personality, and it took me a bit longer since I was in love with him and all.
Post # 10
Yea I dont think at this point I can say anything anymore. I used to when they were just bf/gf and she would complain about him not proposing, not wanting to move into their own space/ not wanting to go on vacations or dates etc. I would tell her to leave him that she could do better then but a day later or so she would blame it on PMS or say it wasnt that bad and he is acting better already.
What kind of speech can I give when you hate the groom? Our friendship does mean more than my opinion of him so I wont say anything, its just frustrating that she acts like everything is fine since she has a ring and is planning a wedding on her own. (he didnt go to look at the venues with her or DJ or Photo etc.)
Our whole circle of friends hates him and its gotten to the point where we are talking behind her back. I feel bad but we cant stand him.
When we went dress shopping she was looking for a ballgown and for the sake of trying on all types of dresses she tried on a fitted mermaid and looked the best in that silohuette. She said she told him that she looked the best in a tight a dress and he replied “So you want to look like a whore on your wedding day?”