(Closed) I don't like my BF's FI

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 4
127 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

What can you possibly tell her that she doesn’t already know or that you haven’t already said? If you want to maintain your friendship with her, you keep your mouth shut and be ready to be there for her if/when it all falls apart. Unless he’s abusive, but you haven’t said anything that suggests it.

Post # 5
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

Hmmmm, thats a tough situation. Does she know you dont like him, at any point over the last 7 years have you ever said anything? If you have and she never took any advice from you before she probably wont now either. It sounds like you want to say something so maybe you could step down from your maid of honour position and when she asks why you can explain to her that you want to be there for her but its too hard to stand up and support something you feel shouldnt happen. Again, I dont know if this would come out of the blue to her or if she already knows you feel like that.
HOWEVER, that being said, I personally wouldnt say anything, but thats your personal choice. She is a big girl and can make her own decisions and she would probably be more hurt and objecting to a wedding is something that can end a friendship so if you do say something losing her is something you have to be prepared for….it will not go smoothly if you say something I can guarantee that, she will be really hurt. I think the best thing you can do is just be there for her through this and whatever way it goes just be her friend and support her.

I just re-read and saw that you have said a couple things to her, so she knows and hasnt cared so saying something now isnt going to chage anything. If you feel really strongly about it I would just step down from Maid/Matron of Honor position, but if it doesnt bother you THAT MUCH then suck it up and support her.

Post # 6
3942 posts
Honey bee

I wouldnt say anything else unless you want to lose a friendship with this girl. There are plently of relationships that I dont understand. And I have plenty of friends with strange boyfriends/husbands. But I would never dream of saying anything. It’s not your place, and you don’t have to like him. You just need to be civil. She is in the relationship for a reason.

Post # 7
3885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Honestly you’ve already told her these things, so there’s not much more you can do. Part of it is, you don’t really know what goes on in their relationship or why he makes her want to marry him. She may be so thrilled with the way he makes her feel that she’s willing to be the one managing the finances and overlooking his other faults. Just because you don’t think he’s good for her doesn’t mean that he truly isn’t.

If you really must say something one last time, say something like “Jane, I have always pictured you with more of a go-getter type, and I hope that Joe makes you every bit as happy as you deserve to be.  Tell me about the daydreams you have for yourselves in 10 years.”  That ought to get her thinking without putting her on the defensive and without making you look like you’re stirring up trouble.

Post # 8
640 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I have been in this situtation before. Thankfully my friend came to her senses before they even got to the point of enagagement, but she was always dreaming of them getting married one day. I am a mettling kind of person when it comes to my friends happiness, but at the end of the day if they don’t want to hear it what will happen is you will just lose them as a friend and if he is an abusive type of person, that is exactly what he wants to happen. So, give your opinion if she asked for it or her life is in danger, but if not, you have to just bare it until such time as she makes a move.

It is torture, but you have to ask yourself if your friendship is worth more than your opinion about him.

Post # 9
300 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think it’s too late.  I have unfortunately been in this situation a few times, and saying something never helps.  I had a friend say “well, he treats me like shit, but…” and I said there was no way to finish that sentence that could make him the right person for her, and of course she didn’t like that. Especially since the end of the sentence was that she thought marriage would solve their problems.  Then again, they have been married 3 years and are surprisingly happy.  So I guess you never know. 

Another friend married a total jerk, but we all had said our piece years ago so we had resigned ourselves to the fact that it was happening.  Her family, however, didn’t admit defeat and threatened all kinds of things.  Her sister (and maid of honor) cried tears of rage all the way down the aisle.  But my point is, it’s too late.  Unless she expresses serious remorse to you and you can diplomatically agree, I’d just keep my mouth shut. 

ETA:  I have also been on the other side of it.  I dated a jerk for five years, and my sister and best friend both hated him and told me regularly, and it put a huge strain on my relationships with them.  They had been telling me for years, but I had to figure out for myself that I hated his personality, and it took me a bit longer since I was in love with him and all.

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