I don\'t like my heirloom engagement ring! Help please!

posted 1 year ago in Rings
  • poll: Should I mention this to my fiance, or should I keep quiet?
    Talk it out! : (85 votes)
    70 %
    It would be too harmful to mention this. : (37 votes)
    30 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    2667 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2017

    kris0621 :  what about telling your fiance that you would like to reset the diamond and have his mother’s birthstone set into the ring and put onto a chain to return to his obviously still grieving father to wear in memoriam.

    Post # 3
    Member
    2886 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2018

    You have to wear the ring everyday, for the rest of your life- you should love it. Perhaps you could use the diamond and just change the setting? Do you have a photo of it?

    alsp, the “shoes to fill” comment, is he going to be comparing you to his mother forever? 

    kris0621 :  

    Post # 4
    Member
    12 posts
    Newbee

    I have a feeling the setting is going to get in your way during working hours. Wear it during visits with his family and get something more practical you really like during the rest of the time. If you tell your fiance you are concerned about his Mom’s ring getting damaged, that would not be stretching the truth. I love the way high settings look, but they really can be a nuisance. 

    Post # 5
    Hostess
    1858 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    i like the idea of using the setting for something else and resetting the diamond, that way you get two pieces of jewellery out of one: one wonderful piece to remember his mom and the other a beautiful engagement ring with his mom’s memory for you!

    Post # 6
    Member
    488 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2016

    I would personally rather reset the diamond into my own ring.  I don’t think it is you being ungrateful.  While the sentiment is sweet and the meaning behind it is strong, I believe that an engagement/wedding ring should be something just for you.  Having her diamond in it would be wonderful and you could still get something that is personally yours and not just someone else’s ring.  Bring it up gently as it sounds like he may take it a bit hard, even though he said you guys can discuss it. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    46 posts
    Newbee

    kris0621 :  Does your fiancé have a sister or another close relative that would want the ring?  I am wary of resetting something that carries such clear significance to him and his family. This ring and the strong emotions attached to it make me feel like resetting it is not a fair option to them at this time.

    I like the option the other bee mentioned of getting a different ring to wear every day. Maybe only wear his mom’s ring on special family occasions or holidays or something. When they see you with another ring you could tell his father etc that it is too special for every day wear so you got a different daily wear ring.

    You do not have to say that you don’t like it. I feel like that part is unnecessary and more than it seems like they can handle at the moment.

    I hope it works out. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    572 posts
    Busy bee

    I don’t think I would want to reset his mother’s ring, to be perfectly honest. Having a beloved parent die and be absent for all of the important milestones of your life is tough enough, especially considering just how much your fiance and his father seem to still be feeling her loss, but to alter her ring…?

    If you don’t like it, that’s your prerogative, but I think you should get something new instead of altering something that apparently has such sentimental value. Just my $.02 but I’ve also lost a parent so I suppose I look at it a little differently. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    1009 posts
    Bumble bee

    I don’t think resetting is a good idea. It completely removes any identity of the sentimentality of the ring and just seems like a convenient way of getting a free diamond. Idk, not judging but it’s always rubbed me the wrong way. I’d be upset if someone messed with a sentimental ring that belonged to my mom or grandmother (beyond resizing). 

    I’d just ask for a new ring and wear this one for special occasions. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    1106 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2019

    What about getting a blinged out wedding band that can be worn as a standalone peice. Then you can just wear the engagement ring to family events? 

    Post # 11
    Member
    5057 posts
    Bee Keeper

    catash :  I vote for this. 

    Also, can you give us more info on the shoes to fill comment? That would really bother me too and it seems really odd. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    1022 posts
    Bumble bee

    It would probably really hurt your Fiance and his father to have the ring altered. It’s entirely possible that he didn’t have it resized because even that, to him, was changing a piece of a final tangible item that they have to hold on to from her passing.  Taking the center stone out and resetting it would take away from that, probably. So if you want to go the route of requesting a new ring – I think you should request something low-setting and more to your style and offer up the work/too special points. It also may be hard for him to hear, but fair for you to say, that you want a symbol of hope and a new chapter of your life, rather than feeling weighted down by a memorial to his mother.  It sounds like he truly intended the most loving, hopeful, therapeutic thing for he and his father in giving it to you. But as someone who has also lost someone dear and deals with death professionally, I would not want that to be my ring either. Something to think about though is that years down the line, you may wish that you had that ring and that legacy piece that honors her. Once you have kids, or the memory of her passing isn’t as fresh for them. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    1670 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2018

    kris0621 :  With the emotions and grief still clearly being so raw, I think suggesting changing out the setting would not be a good idea. 

    I would speak to your Fi and not focus on the aesthetics of the ring, but the practicality of everyday wear, the feelings involved with being told you have “shoes to fill” and the fear of damaging/losing something so important to the family.  I would ask if you could go pick out a ring together for yourself. 

    The heirloom ring style could become trendy again, or you could perhaps reset the diamond down the track when time has dulled the pain for your Fi and family more.  Or you could reset it even further down the track into a pendant for a future daughter or something. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    2 posts
    Wannabee

    I think I would ask if you could have the HONOR of having the ring re-sized to fit your right hand.

    And then tell your fiance that you would be honored to wear it on special occassions, like the mother’s birthday, and Mother’s Day, and his parent’s anniversary.

    In order to be kind (not just as a lie or an excuse), I would say that I would be in constant fear of losing or damaging such a precious heirloom, and that you could NEVER forgive yourself if that happened while you were wearing it.  I would say that I wanted the ring to be forever safe and preserved (and then put it in a safe, or somewhere not easily accessible, out of sight from everyone).

    In this manner, everyone’s feelings are spared, you look like the good guy instead of the bad guy, you aren’t insulting Mom’s memory, you don’t appear ungrateful, Dad can’t say you are selfish or compare you to Mom, etc.

    That being said, I would say that you would LOVE and BE SO EXCITED and honored, when it’s convenient for your fiance, if you could go ring shopping together.  You can say that you hope the ring you and he choose together will some day be as cherished by your children and grandchildren as his mother’s ring is to all of you now.

    This gives everyone an “out”, where nobody is at fault or to blame.

    Beware your fiance, father-in-law to be, or anyone else who talks about “filling shoes”.  You need to nip that in the bud, since it’s a clear boundary violation, and you need to lay that boundary early.  You can say something like that you know she was a wonderful person you wish SO MUCH you could have met, but that you are your own woman, and you look forward to getting to know all of your new family.  I would be firm but clear.

    You deserve your very own, special, perfect-for-you-ring.  You can be nice and kind and let everyone off the hook, and still get the perfect ring for both you and your fiancee.

    Good luck to you!!!!!

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