I don\'t like my heirloom engagement ring! Help please!

posted 1 year ago in Rings
  • poll: Should I mention this to my fiance, or should I keep quiet?
    Talk it out! : (85 votes)
    70 %
    It would be too harmful to mention this. : (37 votes)
    30 %
  • Post # 31
    Member
    710 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2019 - City, State

    Pic of the ring?
    If it was me, I would definitely not reset it.  That ring has a lot of meaning for the family, and I think it is an heirloom piece that should stay in tact.  I would wear it as a right hand ring or just keep it safe with your jewelery.  I would pick out an every day ring together.

    It’s crazy to me that guys pick out a ring on their own.  It’s going to be on the girl’s hand every day from here on out.  She shoudl like it.  Just my opinion.

    That being said, I am waiting on my Boyfriend or Best Friend to propose, and I believe it’s going to be with an heirloom ring, and I have no idea what it will look like!

    Post # 32
    Member
    117 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2018

    I agree with VioletV 

    As your future husband you should be able to have an honest conversation with him. I’m sure you will figure out a way to gently explain to him that although you are so honored by the sentiment, you would prefer a ring that feels more like your own and you hope this won’t upset him or his father too much. 

    See if he is open to having an every day ring and keeping his moms ring for special occasions and to eventually pass down one day. 

    Post # 33
    Member
    34 posts
    Newbee

    I’m sorry you’re left with ambivalent feelings during a time that should be pure happiness 🙁 it’s so hard to have these conflicting emotions. 

     

    I agree with those who suggested NOT resetting the stone. This ring is far more significant to your fiancés family than a typical heirloom. It won’t have the same significance if it’s dismantled. That said, it’s unfair to you to have to wear something that isn’t your preference, too. I like the compromise of getting a band you love, and saving his mother’s ring for special occasions/to pass down to your children. 

    Post # 34
    Member
    135 posts
    Blushing bee

    I really like the idea of resetting the stone and melting down the ring to use in his wedding band.  I think it’s ok to be open with him about feeling like it’s a lot of pressure and worrying about damaging the ring. Good luck.

    Post # 35
    Member
    484 posts
    Helper bee

    Idk I guess I have a drastically different take on this, but here goes.

    I would be VERY put off by what he did. He didn’t even bother to try to figure out if you would want an heirloom ring at all or this specific heirloom ring in particular (as opposed to one from your family) and instead selected *your* ring based entirely on what *he* wanted. Then he paid you lip service by saying you could tell him if you wanted a different ring, but then he goes around talking about how this ring is keeping her memory alive. That’s not giving you a fair choice.

    Also, if I am reading this correctly it sounds like his mom died a long time ago? She passed while he was in college and you never met her, so presumably before your relationship of x number of years (I’m guessing) began? I get that you never really get over losing a parent or a spouse, but it seems like he should be in a place to have a conversation about this ring given that some time has gone by since his mom’s passing. 

    The comment about having “shoes to fill” sets off all kinds of alarm bells. You’re not a replacement. You are your own person.

    Oh and I would not reset the ring; I do think for her memory’s sake it should stay intact. Ask for your own ring.

    Post # 36
    Member
    2198 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2017

    I wouldn’t reset it because of the meaning behind it. Definitely talk to him about it. Maybe you can wear it as a right hand ring sometimes but get your own wedding ring? I sometimes wear my great grandmother’s diamond on my right hand (it was reset because the setting got too worn). 

    Either that, or get the bling band and wear it without the engagement ring except at family/special occasions. 

     

    Post # 37
    Member
    1336 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2016 - Painswick Church and the Falcon Hotel

    Can we see the ring in question please? 

    Post # 38
    Member
    5053 posts
    Bee Keeper

    kris0621 :  OK say no more. That is precisely what put me off too. The thought in general is sweet but the extra comments…are not. I would not reset it though because it likely will cause rifts and problems. Here’s what I would do. But carefully and tactfully. 

    1.) Separate the ring from the comments that are offputting. Have two separate discussions. The comments and comparisons are bothering you. Tell him why. For context my husband did meet my dad and he passed before our wedding. I would never think to give him my dads ring nor compare them. 

    2.) The ring. First decide what it us you want. Are you ok with wearing the ring until you can wear your extra blinged out wedding band? Or do you want a whole set? Once you decide this internally….

    3.) Bring it up. Hey love  remember when you said I could pick a ring? Well I thought I would like to have…xyz. Then if you are willing to wear it sometimes or as a right hand ring….let him know. 

    Good luck!! And congrats on the engagement! Please update us. 

    Post # 40
    Member
    484 posts
    Helper bee

    kris0621 :  This makes me so angry for you. He is completely ignoring your preferences and opinions.

    but he didn’t see a solution

    This is a bizarre (but telling) statement. He doesn’t see a solution because he is starting from the premise of you wearing the ring. Any “solution” in his mind involves you still wearing it, which is why he’s so “puzzled” about what to do. He is acting as though you have an obligation to wear this ring…let that sink in. It was never about you, and it still isn’t about you even after you’ve expressed your point of view.

    The solution, obviously, is to get you a new ring. You didn’t change your mind on something you previously wanted; he made a unilateral decision that you would wear his mom’s ring. That isn’t fair or right in the slightest and I think you know that.

    If this were me, I would give back the ring and be done with him. I wouldn’t want a lifetime of coming second fiddle to Mom’s memory. But if you really want to give it a shot with him, tell him point blank you will not be wearing this ring and you would like your own – offer to help pay for it if you feel appropriate – and give him back the ring. See how long he lets your finger stay empty.

    Post # 41
    Member
    1357 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    kris0621 :  That last line of your update is really sad, and I totally sympathise. Did you say that to him? If not, you need to. Also, have you tried asking him what his mom would want — would she want you to wear a ring in a style you don’t like? Because if she wouldn’t, then he’s not honouring her memory by making you do so.

    How did he respond to you being bothered by some of the comments he made? If my husband ever said I needed to live up to his mother I would be so grossed out and disturbed!

    Post # 42
    Member
    234 posts
    Helper bee

    kris0621 :  Bee! Holy cow, his words are so off putting. I’m sorry that this did not go well. I’ve been following your thread and thought that SURELY he would just get you another ring. It’s concerning that he doesn’t see a solution…? I hate to say this, but is it possible he wants to get out of buying the ring and is using his grief as a way to A) not buy a ring and B) continue to deal with his mother’s passing by giving you her ring and attempting to keep her memory alive? Because while one is lame and the other necessarily isn’t, both could still be happening at the same time.

    Post # 43
    Member
    486 posts
    Helper bee

    Wow seriously your update wasn’t what I was hoping. What is the issue with getting you a different ring? I wouldn’t want to change his mother’s ring, so getting you a different one seems like a good solution. Sorry you didn’t get the response you were hoping for 

    Post # 44
    Member
    868 posts
    Busy bee

    kris0621 : 

    (1) Would you be willing to post a picture of the ring or a stock picture of a similar ring so we have an idea? Also a description of the types of rings you would have chosen? Perhaps you can have the ring modified so that it is more secure and not so high set. Also, you can rhodium plate yellow gold – but it wears off and isn’t recommended, but maybe we can find an enhancer that will help.

    (2) I second the comment that your fiance’s reaction is concerning. Also, an engagement ring is a gift – this ring doesn’t seem entirely yours.

    (3) Is the older brother married? If so does his spouse have a ring? If not, and there is only one heirloom ring, maybe he would want to have it for his future fiance.

    Post # 45
    Member
    308 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2020

    givemesparkles :  I think you hit the nail on the head. It doesn’t sound like he planned on buying another ring and may be manipulating the situation with his and his family’s grief. Of course the solution if the ring is not a good fit for her is to get a new ring!

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