(Closed) I don't like my in-laws :(

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 2
47342 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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everylittlething:  If you know they are not going to be openly rude (because polite people don’t do that,LOL) then I would just live my life according to my values, not theirs. Who cares if they roll their eyeballs, or make comments after they leave?

I don’t think it’s necessary to have anything in common with your in-laws. My ex in-laws were very religious. Did we go to church with them when they were visitng? No,but they were welcome to go themselves. When we visited them, we slept in on Sunday mornings while they went to church.

It sounds like the two of you need to be a bit more assertive and set some boundaries as far as their visits are concerned. If they stay at your home when they visit, you can still have time apart. Just tell them you have plans and they are on their own for the day.

Post # 3
4238 posts
Honey bee

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Sorry, but I didn’t get past your first paragraph. You concealed the fact that you were the live-in GF/FI before your marriage to their son? Did I read that correctly? And, if so, then I’d wonder if you and your DH have some unresolved issues due to that situation long before you try to speculate why his parents being religious has to do with anything.  

Just my $0.02.

Post # 4
1770 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I’m not gonna lie, your in-laws sound just like my parents. It’s exhausting, but really there is nothing you can do. it is also very possible they don’t even realize how they come off. My advice would be this- be polite and attentive to them, but stop worrying about whether they are side-eying you or judging you. They are who they are and probably won’t miraculously become more open-minded. 

Post # 5
11398 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Just because people are polite on the surface doesn’t mean they are good people. Being judgmental and expecting everyone to agree with you is immature, ugly, and frankly boring. It’s no wonder you don’t enjoy them. 

But you have a problem with your husband, not them, because he prefers to lie to them and cater to their judgments as if he were not a grown, married man. You need to sit down with him and tell him that being asked to lie and cover things up ( like your JOINT decision to live together before marriage) to make him and his parents feel comfortable is not okay with you. 

Post # 6
400 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

You don’t have to like them but you do need to respect them and be cordial. They really don’t sound all that bad. They’re stuck in their ways. 

Post # 7
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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everylittlething:  I fully understand what you mean. I am actually somewhat like your in-laws in my belief system and the no-drinking. And I have extended family that is very liberal. My mouth stays shut most of the time. A few people in my extended family don’t talk to me anymore because I stated some of my views. I stopped getting their phone calls and started being ignored on Facebook.

But I think maybe you can do just babysteps if you feel comfortable, like just state how you feel on a small topic if it ever comes up. And then just let it go if it gets to be an issue. You at least let something out of your system.

I tend to avoid conflict myself by just not disagreeing openly. It keeps my life simpler because I don’t have to get into useless debates with people that make me fume or isolate me later on. It’s a little bit of a protective mechanism, because I’ve been on that side of opening my mouth before.

I don’t think there is a one-size-fits-all answer. It depends on how you will feel if you reveal more of yourself to them.

Personally I just like to keep the peace these days as a small sacrifice.

Post # 8
1153 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Holy crap! Your in laws sound EXACTLY like my boyfriends parents. We aren’t married yet but we have been ring shopping and I know the engagement is coming within a year from now. I completely relate to where you are coming from and I feel the same way when I am around his parents! Im serious, as I was reading your post I kept thinking “I wonder if we are thinking of the same people”! 

I am also wondering how to be myself around them because I am scared of disappointing them or making them upset. I don’t have a for sure answer yet, but I am just showing bits and pieces of myself at a time rather than throwing it at them all at once. Like asserting my opinion on a topic when I normally wouldnt or being a little less formal and a little more silly and loose at some moments that way I’m not just bombarding them and overwhelimg them with something they would be uncomfortable with. Also, that glass of wine thing you talked about? I SO totally agree with you! So far that approach of mine seems to be going okay.

I am curious if you find the “family time” thing as frustrating as I do. My boyfriends parents are shocked when we dont want to come up all the time and are actually extremely hurt when we choose to spend an evening with my parents. They throw around the guilt card or try a little manipulation with the whole “family comes first and WE are YOUR parents so we should always take priority no matter what situation”

I wish the best of luck to you! I completely agree, this type of in-law situation is NOT fun to deal with. Sometimes I think that these in-laws can be harder to deal with than others just because it all seems so fake and surface level. For a genuine person like yourself who wants a genuine and personal relationship, its the worst and can drive someone like you completely bonkers!

Super sorry about this, it’s frustrating.

Post # 9
1401 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I mean this in the gentlest way possible, but it really sounds like you’re set on digging your heels in here on principle.

You know how your in-laws feel (about drinking, for example) but are dead set on having your glass of wine because you should be allowed to… I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be able to do that in peace, but you know how it makes them feel. It wouldn’t kill you to skip the wine while you’re at dinner with them – especially considering they live out of state. 

I (personally) think that respecting your in laws includes consciously avoiding things that may make them uncomfortable. If it really has no negative impact on you (other than smiling, nodding, and passing on a glass of wine), it’s probably worth it. Sure, it’s exhausting. But there are plenty of us who have truly venomous, toxic in-laws who survive sucking it up. Pleasant? Nope. But manageable. 

You claim that they wouldn’t like who you really are, but it sounds a lot like you’re judging them the same way you think they’ll pass judgment on you. It comes across like you don’t have a lot of interest in building a relationship with that unless that comes in the form of them conceding and compromising, but you doing exactly as you want. 

If you honestly want a treasurable relationship with them, you’ll need to start by releasing the judgments you already have about your in-laws. That won’t happen while your heels are still dug in. Sorry Bee. In laws can be a bear.

Post # 10
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012


I didn’t actually read anything but the title. So maybe they’re jerks, maybe they aren’t. But seriously. 85% of ppl I know have difficult in-laws. Part of life! Good luck. 

Post # 11
4064 posts
Honey bee

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everylittlething:  my best advice to you: be yourself. Stop pretending to be someone you’re not or holding back to please them. Who cares if they judge you? Who cares if they don’t like you? You have to be true to yourself. And the same goes for your DH. Stop catering to their judgements, as PP said. It sounds like they’ll judge you no matter what you do. 

Post # 12
114 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

 It seems like you’re the one being a bit judgy. I think they have their beliefs and you should respect their beliefs. It doesn’t mean that you agree, but let them have their beliefs. I agree with the bee above that it seems you’re being a bit stubborn. If you feel they are being “judgemental” then YOU need to bring it to their attention and tell them how exactly you feel judged. What actions are they doing specifically towards you that make you feel judged. It doesn’t need to be confrontational, but just ask your Mother-In-Law if you could have a five minute chat in the other room. From an outsider it seems like you’re over thinking their actions.

Post # 13
3219 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I feel like I’ve met people like them before. It’s really difficult to deal with, because it would be SO RUDE of them to call you on things they disapprove of to your face… so they do it behind your back to their friends instead. And the time suck! “Family time is the most important thing” – but only if you use the time you have wisely. So I can totally see where you’re coming from, and you aren’t really overreacting. It’s a death of a thousand papercuts. 

Personally, I would start calling them out (politely) when they are being intolerant of others or rude and judgemental. For one, telling you how shameful it is that so-and-so’s daughter lived out of wedlock is pure gossip the way they are editorializing on it. Second, many people have no problem with living together (like you and their son). Let he who is without sin cast the first stone, and cast the beam out of your own eye first.

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