(Closed) I don't like my in-laws :(

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 19
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1384 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

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everylittlething:  I agree with the PP who said your husband needs to resolve his issue because he’s making it your issue. I don’t know that I agree it’s an issue you two have, but I think it’s his issue trying to pass as being someone his parents want him (and now you) to be and making you be a part of it. I do think he just needs to get over it. If he’s happy with who you are and the dynamics of your relationship, he should be proud of it and not hide it from his family just because it is not ideal to them. I mean really what are they going to do if they disagree? Roll their eyes? Pray for you? Make comments? Girl just drink your wine and their chatter will just be background noise.

I have plenty of judgy people (extended family) in my life preaching this and that and I just smile and nod and do whatever I want and don’t care what they think. I drink in front of them and curse in front of them. They’re either thinking that nice people drink and curse, too and I am normalizing it to them or they think I’m evil. None of which are my problem. ๐Ÿ™‚ Oh and a holier than thou aunt made some malicious comments to my mom about my then Fiance and I vacationing together before marriage. My mom had some words for her. Also I tell her off every chance I get with a sweet tone and a smile just like she uses when she implies that women who spend the night with men to whom they are not married as whores.

Post # 20
Member
1387 posts
Bumble bee

Why oh why is it always the non-religious who have to conceed with the religious to make them ‘comfortable’? Have your glass of wine, live with who you want you, and live how you want to live. They can get off their high horses and deal with it. 

Post # 21
Member
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I wonder if maybe they’re really not all that interested or absorbed so much in what other people do with their lives. I grew up surrounded with VERY traditional Christian values. I am still a Christian to this day, and proud to be one (a non-judging, loving one). However, I am very ashamed of some of the things that “Christians” do and say, and they have no right to do them. If they actually absorbed anything they read in the Bible, if they even read it, lol, they’d know not to judge others, and that judging others is just as bad as any other sin. That being said, I grew up around some really shitty people, and while most of them did judge in passing statements, they didn’t care enough to think about it often. Other people’s lives, regardless of what religions are involved, just aren’t interesting enough usually to dwell on for longer than a few passing thoughts.

Yes, so-and-so moving in with so-and-so before marriage was a big no-no, but most of the time, once the initial shock wore off, nobody gave two shits about it. I really think maybe you are overthinking it, and that maybe you are being a bit over-paranoid. I wouldn’t hide anything from them, especially something that big, because if they were to find out, it would be a worse situation than if you’d been upfront about it in the first place.

Also, I hate the assumption that if you live together you are automatically having sex. My best friend in the world lives with her boyfriend, and they are waiting until marriage. Not everyone is a sex-crazed, mindless animal, and, yes, people do have a choice on when to have sex. Just my $0.02.

Post # 22
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826 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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everylittlething:  How long have you been married? Maybe with some more time you’ll form more of a connection with your in laws. I think a clash of personalities can be detrimental in this situation and that belief systems aren’t always entirely to blame. 

Also the lying part can cause way more problems than living together ever could. I know you said they probably knew anyway but it seems like a really strange situation of half truths. My DH and I waited to live together and nobody (Christian or non Christian) was particularly bothered because they could see that it was right for us in the same way that the opposite was right for you.

If they are polite and gentle and interested in spending time with you, there is a chance that you guys could genuinely get on better. Maybe its about keeping a balance between being able to act like a couple in your thirties and also showing small signs of respect and compromise with things like the wine. Your DH definitely needs to be more honest so that you feel less of a fraud. Obviously nobody should have to tell every little secret but it sounds like you feel uncomfortable with your DH’s arrangement. At the moment you can’t show your true self and that will include a lot of cool stuff about your identity as well as the things they might not relate to.

Post # 23
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706 posts
Busy bee

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everylittlething:  I could have written this… Everything but the religious issues and the hiding the living together are v v similar. I know how painful it is bee! I’d probably just do what I do (grin and bear it). i haven’t found a solution for myself yet, but just wanted to say, you’re not alone!

Post # 24
Member
706 posts
Busy bee

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kcoast:  I have to agree with you too – I’m dealing with the same thing. The family time stuff drives me up the wall – doesn’t matter if you’ve had plans for 6 months, you should change your plans this weekend because his parents are coming for yet another visit! They’re v imposing… There was once a giant screaming match with crocodile tears over this (I hid in the bedroom)! 

Post # 25
Member
3313 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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everylittlething:  Did you just meet them?! It sounds like now that you’re married you thought something was going to change about who they are. 

they must have some good qualities your husband turned out okay. I’d stop focusing on the negative and try to find some good attributes about them and try to focus on them. start making tolerant statement around them when they say something negative say something positive set a good example maybe they’ll follow it

Post # 26
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

So I have similar in laws to yours,  but yours might be worse. Mine were all hunky dory nice in the beginning because I am a successful,  career driven woman and now make a good income and they all only have a high school education. They’re also very religious and stuck in the past, imo. My Future Mother-In-Law even told me that a woman can’t be president,  that’s a man’s job. As time went on his mother has become more and more passive aggressively judgmental. My Fiance never went to pick out an E ring so I picked one out,  he told me to go buy it,  and I gave it to him to surprise me with a proposal. 4 months later I found a different ring and bought it instead. She noticed and said something snooty, such as “I would never take off the ring my husband chose for me,  it’s just rude.” I looked at her and said “First of all,  I chose it and bought it myself with my own money and your son had nothing to do with it.” Which I’m sure shocked her, realizing her son isn’t perfect. And she always gives me serious side eye when I bring and eat my own vegetables at their house (they’re an hour outside of town) instead of eating their usual pizza and chips. She knows I’m trying to be healthy but it’s like she thinks I’m weird for eating vegetables. And then she acted like I’m crazy for wanting to get married in the fall and not in a church. I guess it’s just a generational gap and they only have boys so they’re unaccustomed to women’s type issues,  such as wedding planning. But get this! Just a few weeks ago a best friend of mine who is with my FI’s brother’s best friend told me she heard from her guy that my in laws hate me! I was like,  hmm, I’m honestly not surprised. So…. I’ve just limited my time lately. ๐Ÿ™‚ But I certainly don’t hold back on my opinions about life either! Which I’m sure they’re unaccustomed to,  seeing as how I’m a lowly woman. Lol. My Fiance is surprisingly upset about the thought of us not getting along. (I love his dad,  honestly,  it’s just his mothers judgmental attitude) I confessed to him months ago I was picking up on judgmental vibes which he didn’t really think much of,  but now he sees it as more of an issue and says when he notices it happening he will put a stop to it. (I don’t expect him to actually do anything,  honestly) So I plan to keep going over there as usual and just inwardly smile when I do things they don’t necessarily agree with or understand. 

Post # 27
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47343 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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everylittlething:  I don’t think you feel great about yourself now.

And now I guess I’m trying to avoid a long future with my husband in which we have to do similar, immature, crazy things to please his side of the family.

This is going to be your life until the two of you can stand up to his parents, make your own choices and deal with his parents’ disapproval. What do you plan to do when you have children (if that is iin your plans) and they disagree with you about a parenting issue? Tell your child they have to do something one way  and a different way when the grandparents are around? Let your children catch you lying to his parents?

I’m not suggesting you go wild or be disrespectful to them. I am suggesting you live your own life and make your choices, not theirs. If they say anything, ” We know this would no be your choice, but we ask you to respect that it is ours.”

 

Post # 28
Member
918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I don’t like my Future In-Laws at all.   I’ve been married before, and I did like my ex ILs, very much.  Ex Mother-In-Law is deceased, and I still miss her.  Ex H’s family were just…far nicer, is the easiest way to put it.  More friendly, less judgemental.  FI’s family have been a bit of a shock to me, after 15 years of ex H’s family…

I deal with it by not putting up with it.  I’m in my late 40s, so the whole grandchildren thing is not an issue.  I see the Future In-Laws when I feel like it, which is very rarely.  They aren’t my parents, I don’t need to have a close relationship with them.  I’m not getting in the way of their relationship with their son, and that’s all that matters.

However, I did actually have the same problem with my ex H in that he felt the need to lie to his family to ‘keep the peace’…no idea why, his family were very easygoing but he’d somehow got the idea into his head that if he lived his life like a normal adult man – going on holiday with his girlfriend, having different tastes and opinions to them – they wouldn’t be able to cope.  He still does it to this day, we’ve been apart for 6 years and his family still don’t know!  Not my problem anymore, thank goodness…

Anyway, like previous bees have stated, your main problem is with your Fiance.  He really needs to stop lying to his family.  I found in my case with my ex H that it was a sign of a deeper emotional immaturity that ended up extending to other areas of our life together.  

Basically, your Fiance needs to grow up, accept that he’s going to do things that his parents won’t like…but still do them anyway.  Or do you want to live a lie?

Post # 29
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

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everylittlething:  Oh my goodness! What a relief to hear that you’re the same way with your family too! Oh my gosh it is nice to know that I am not the only one either!! My family is super fun and silly and loves to be spontaneous. What’s interesting is my boyfriend is the exact same way as my family! He says over and over again how he feels like the black sheep compared to his family because they’re always so serious! Honestly, the only time we ever see them loosen up is around their grandson who is 2 but thats it!

My boyfriend does not have the greatest relationship with his parents. In general they are simply just manipulative and always love to play the guilt card. They were extreme helicopter parents when my boyfriend was growing up and even when he was an adult and in college they still dictated his life. I’m serious, they said who he could and couldn’t date and they did a lot of other things that a parent shouldn’t ever do. The problem is, they always see it as an act of love because they think it is genuinely in the persons best interest.

He moved out of their home right away because he was tired of being controlled and he was 22 at the time and wanted to start living by himself. They did NOT take that well and took it extremely personally and the relationship has never been the same since. But together he and I are working on building it back up. 

It’s hard to keep my mouth shut when they say something a little off to him because I’m technically not apart of the family yet and I dont feel like I have the right to stand up for him becuase although they love me, I’m not his wife! I also find it funny you guys moved in together and kept it a secret. My guy and I moved in together about eight months ago and we thought of not telling his parents but then ultimately we wanted to show who we were and so we told them and they didn’t say anything rude but they definitely weren’t congratulating us. 

Thank you for the congratulations and I seriously wish you the best of luck in all of this! Just continue hanging in there and do whatever you think is right!

Post # 30
Member
1770 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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everylittlething:  I felt resentful for a very long time after moving out five years ago. It got to the point where DH and I chose to be absent from their lives up until my dad had a heart attack three months ago. After that happened I decided I just needed to swallow my pride because they were never going to change. Since I’ve re-entered their lives things have been better because I’ve set my expectations a lot lower.

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