(Closed) I don't like the person he is, I was blind to it before?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
2959 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

There is somebody for everyone. Also, who cares that he likes to get off to naked girls online? The guy is sexually frustrated – never even been kissed! 

If you don’t want to be his friend anymore, then don’t. If he knew how judgemental you were of him maybe he would’nt want to be your friend anymore, anyway.

Post # 18
Member
4672 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Imo, the most offensive/awful characteristic of this guy is his view of women (ranking your friends? Really?), so if you want to try to a rebuild a healthier friendship with him, next time he brings up sex/girls, just tell hiim that those topics are off-limits. Maybe try to do activities together instead of just hanging out (like bowling, shooting pool, board games) so he’s distracted and not just complaining – it would probably help his mood/possible depression to get out now and then, too.

Post # 20
Member
8437 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

View original reply
@anonanonanonbee:  Have you told him all the stuff that you’ve posted here?  Maybe it’d help him to know how he’s being annoying/a pain.  I agree with other bees about his sexual exploits (or lack thereof) being his business.  Either way, I don’t think he needs to lower his standards, but I think not acting like a jerk might help.

Post # 22
Member
2959 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

I don’t see why you are even bothering with him if you don’t care at all to see him or talk to him. Don’t do it as a favor to him. Just stop talking to him and be done with it.

Post # 23
Member
1882 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

View original reply
@anonanonanonbee:  If you care about him even a little, have a “come to Jesus” talk with him. Tell him all the things he does that offend you and make you question his character, such as ranking your friends (his sexual practices are not an issue, he can pay for internet sex if he wants, but the entitled/shallow, sexist attitude is.) Tell him you think he is depressed and that you can’t be his only shoulder, he needs to talk to a professional, and you can’t spend time with him until he takes the steps to improve his life. And then follow through. I think he at least deserves some honesty from you.

Post # 25
Member
8437 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

View original reply
@anonanonanonbee:  This guy sounds incredibly immature.  I’m not sure there is anything you can do for him if he doesn’t want to do anything for himself.  If he can’t learn from his suffering, then the only thing he can do is suffer some more.

Post # 26
Member
12244 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

He sounds kinda gross to me! I don’t think I would want to be friends with him.

And there’s nothing wrong with that! Sometimes we outgrow old friends!

Post # 29
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee

That was really nice of him to do all of your wedding stationary for you.

Post # 31
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Please, please try to stop being so judgmental about this young man. There may be things going on with that you don’t understand.

Obviously it’s impossible to diagnose on an internet forum, going from information in a post like this, but it could be that your friend has something like Asperger’s Syndrome. I have a nephew who was recently diagnosed, finally, at age 20. Often people with Asperger’s appear so nearly “normal” that they come off as being jerks, when in reality their brains are actually wired differently so that things are that easy for us “neurotypical” (NT) folks are like climbing Mt. Everest for them.

Many of the things that you describe in your post are precisely the expressions of Asperger’s Syndrome. The difficulty in establishing relationships, hygiene issues, pickiness and stubborness, resisting authority, defensiveness, depression over their failures . . . those are all common for folks with Asperger’s.

It’s heartbreaking, because inside they have exactly the same feelings as NTs do, but because of an inability to pick up on social cues and to know what the best responses are to make in any kind of social situation, they offend or put people off over and over and over, without meaning to do so, at all. And so they often tend to retreat into their computers, the one space they can kind of control, for all kinds of interactions.

Asperger’s folks are almost always very bright, though! And their high intelligence level is a saving grace, because with the right kind of coaching and mentoring (not so much “therapy”), they can learn the skills they need to succeed in life.

So if you care for your friend, please ask him to be evaluated. And if that does turn out to be the diagnosis, there are many coaches and mentors out there who have successfully helped people with Asperger’s turn ther lives around dramatically.

Please be a force for his positive future! A caring friend can make a world of difference.

 

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