- 7 years ago
- Wedding: September 2012
First of all, his sexual preferences/practices are absolutely none of your business and you have no place telling anyone else about it. Sure, maybe you don’t like it….but it’s none of your business. As far as blowing him off, I think that totally immature. You’re an adult and if you don’t want to be friends with him anymore, you should just suck it up and tell him. Or you can stand by him while he gets help…I imagine you wouldn’t want your friends all leaving you when you were going through a rough time.
@anonanonanonbee: OMG, I think I know this guy! Not like the exact same guy, but I have a friend like this too! I have felt so weird about it for a long time and I just wanted to thank you for posting this! I can’t really give you any real advice because I have not done anything about it. The friendship goes on (and on) but so many of these things are exact things I have gone through.
One thing I will say is that this kind of person can really get under your skin and get to you – if you let them. You have to try hard not to. I have spent whole weekends obsessing about my friend and his issues, but eventually I realized it wasn’t doing either of us any good. The only thing I can really control is how I react to it, and I have mentally put the distance I need between us so that its tolerable now.
I wish you the best, and I hope this gets better! Just remember to put yourself, your happiness and your sanity above your urge to “help” this person by listening to them, validating them, etc. Its not going to happen. You need distance.
I just want to be alone and need the distance away from this toxic friendship.
I can’t encourage/motivate put on a happy face ALL the time so I would appreciate not spending the time with him when I feel like I want to snap at him
I feel drained, and it feels wrong as well. This isn’t typical of a friendship, as I have a lot of other friends who don’t put me in a corner guilt tripping/begging/yelling at me for not being there for them. And its getting way too intense in a very bad way, my own husband and I don’t have any kind of issues, it feels wrong to be caught up in his problems and spending all this time and him telling me how dependent he is on both of us.
I can’t handle it. I’m willing to admit that I’d rather be a fair weather friend in this instance. Mental illness might be what is causing this but if that’s the case, its beyond the scope of what I can do to help. And it sucks others have left him before but if he doesn’t help himself, or go talk to a therapist/coach/mentor or even his own parents, what can I do?
I’ve tried to tell him that I have no experience with this, that its too much for me. That I don’t want to talk about this stuff. He just won’t let it go. And I’m tired. Really tired.
Now I actually know how to block a number because of him and the steps to take to do it. How sad is that.
I’d suggest counseling to him because really, even if you don’t want to hang out with him, I’m sure you want him to feel better about himself and do better in life. I think we all want that for people. Maybe suggest some activities where he could meet women (and men) with similar interests. Just socialzing in a platonic way may help him with dating. Also, if he’s so great with wedding stuff, why not offer to be a reference? If he hates his retail jobs, maybe this is what he needs to be doing? He could offer his services on Craigslist for relatively no risk. Since he’s adept at art, I’m sure he could whip up a pretty nice website and maybe offer to do a few clients on the cheap to build his portfolio.
Like I said, you aren’t obligated to help him, but I think we should always leave people better off than how we found them.
The key is to not approach him like there’s something wrong with him that needs to be fixed.
Rather, you could just tell him that to be successful in creating for himself the life he wants to have, he could really benefit by being evaluated to see what’s going on, and then connecting with a coach who can help him. And that you’re there for him, but until he’s willing to take this step towards his own future, you’re going to have to step back because YOU don’t have the necessary tools to help him.
Hoping for the best outcome for all of you . . .
If he wants to talk to you so desperately, see him again one last time and explain to him that you can’t be “that” person for him anymore. Maybe suggest that he should find some counseling, but make it your issue, not his. That you need some distance and that because his activities are counter to your morals, that it’s not working for you anymore to keep a close relationship with you.
he has a really fancy camera and i suggested he practice taking pictures and make money as wedding photographer or something like that
similar to the paper stuff, he has no motivation, doesn’t want to get anything started with his life, claims everything hes tried has screwed him over in some way even though before I knew him the art degree with no internships and no networking/connections will guarantee that you pretty much never get a job, you live and you learn from it you know?
I’ve helped him make an online dating profile, he hasn’t even bothered putting pictures of himself on it, its been months, why? says he doesn’t have any good ones, says he wants to lose weight, sO FRICKEN DO IT
I offered to be his work out buddy, no motivation, sleeps in til noon. What the heck am I supposed to do, he can say he wants help all he wants but he wont do anything about it to meet anyone half way.
A few years ago I went through something very similar. I had a guy freiend I had known forever who, like this guy, didn’t care. He was 24 and while not living at home, his parents DID pay his rent and his mom would come in 2-3 times a week to do his laundry/clean his apartment/cook. He was depressed and liked to drink and spend all his time on an MMO we both played with some other friends form high school.
In the end I had to step back and make the choice to cut him out of my life. He was a complete downer and I’d been babysitting him from 5 hours away for years. He wasn’t going to help himself and I had a life to get on with. I not-so-slowly stopped talking to him and he got the message.
I honestly thought I’d feel bad about ending a at-the-time 7 year friendship… but I honestly felt better with him out of my life. Sometimes people change (or don’t) and you have to move on.
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