(Closed) I don't like the person he is, I was blind to it before?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
9967 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@anonanonanonbee:  You’ll have be straight with him.  Tell him that while you care for him a lot, as a friend, you think he needs the kind of professional help you’re not qualified to give him.  Be compassionate, but if he’s toxic enough to be causing this much upset in your life you have no choice but to distance yourself from him.  Let him know the friendship could resume if and when he gets help for himself.  He needs to stop trying to drag other people down with him and make some positive changes in his own life.

Post # 33
Member
2777 posts
Sugar bee

First of all, his sexual preferences/practices are absolutely none of your business and you have no place telling anyone else about it. Sure, maybe you don’t like it….but it’s none of your business. As far as blowing him off, I think that totally immature. You’re an adult and if you don’t want to be friends with him anymore, you should just suck it up and tell him. Or you can stand by him while he gets help…I imagine you wouldn’t want your friends all leaving you when you were going through a rough time.

Post # 34
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@anonanonanonbee:  OMG, I think I know this guy! Not like the exact same guy, but I have a friend like this too! I have felt so weird about it for a long time and I just wanted to thank you for posting this! I can’t really give you any real advice because I have not done anything about it. The friendship goes on (and on) but so many of these things are exact things I have gone through.

One thing I will say is that this kind of person can really get under your skin and get to you – if you let them. You have to try hard not to. I have spent whole weekends obsessing about my friend and his issues, but eventually I realized it wasn’t doing either of us any good. The only thing I can really control is how I react to it, and I have mentally put the distance I need between us so that its tolerable now.

I wish you the best, and I hope this gets better! Just remember to put yourself, your happiness and your sanity above your urge to “help” this person by listening to them, validating them, etc. Its not going to happen. You need distance.

Post # 37
Member
2777 posts
Sugar bee

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@anonanonanonbee:  Just because you didn’t tell anyone about it doesn’t mean that everyone can be that way…some people NEED help. If you don’t want to/feel like you can’t, thenI think the best thing to do is to tell him. I do agree with a previous poster that he is exhibiting lots of signs of Asberger’s (from your description) so it really might not be something he can control and I know that I personally would feel HORRIBLE if I turned my back on someone who was needing help and was discovered to have a syndrome prohibiting them from acting “normal”

Post # 39
Member
79 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@anonanonanonbee:  First off I think you should block him from your phone.  Secondly, I think you should tell your SO and have him talk to your friend.  If you say you don’t want to be friends, he will still bother you, but if this guy gets the talk from your husband, man to man I doubt he would bother you so much. Only you know how dangerous this guy is, but for your SO and your safety I think it’s better to stay away.  Good luck.  

Post # 41
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

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@anonanonanonbee:  I’m not sure he’d listen, but have you suggested counseling?  He seems depressed and it seems obvious he lacks self-esteem.  Maybe he hates himself so much he doesn’t really know how to act around other people anymore? I got to that point in my depression.  You aren’t obligated to stick around and help him, but at least realize a lot of this may be due to that, rather than him just being a jerk.  Though, he could just be a jerk AND depressed 🙂

I’d suggest counseling to him because really, even if you don’t want to hang out with him, I’m sure you want him to feel better about himself and do better in life.  I think we all want that for people.  Maybe suggest some activities where he could meet women (and men) with similar interests.  Just socialzing in a platonic way may help him with dating.  Also, if he’s so great with wedding stuff, why not offer to be a reference? If he hates his retail jobs, maybe this is what he needs to be doing?  He could offer his services on Craigslist for relatively no risk.  Since he’s adept at art, I’m sure he could whip up a pretty nice website and maybe offer to do a few clients on the cheap to build his portfolio.

Like I said, you aren’t obligated to help him, but I think we should always leave people better off than how we found them.

Post # 42
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

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@anonanonanonbee:  I totally hear you, but Asperger’s Syndrome is NOT mental illness. It’s a lack of what are called Executive Functioning skills, which can be learned, as opposed to mental illness, which must be “treated.”

The key is to not approach him like there’s something wrong with him that needs to be fixed.

Rather, you could just tell him that to be successful in creating for himself the life he wants to have, he could really benefit by being evaluated to see what’s going on, and then connecting with a coach who can help him. And that you’re there for him, but until he’s willing to take this step towards his own future, you’re going to have to step back because YOU don’t have the necessary tools to help him.

Hoping for the best outcome for all of you . . .

Post # 43
Member
4369 posts
Honey bee

If he wants to talk to you so desperately, see him again one last time and explain to him that you can’t be “that” person for him anymore. Maybe suggest that he should find some counseling, but make it your issue, not his. That you need some distance and that because his activities are counter to your morals, that it’s not working for you anymore to keep a close relationship with you. 

Post # 45
Member
278 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

A few years ago I went through something very similar. I had a guy freiend I had known forever who, like this guy, didn’t care. He was 24 and while not living at home, his parents DID pay his rent and his mom would come in 2-3 times a week to do his laundry/clean his apartment/cook. He was depressed and liked to drink and spend all his time on an MMO we both played with some other friends form high school.

In the end I had to step back and make the choice to cut him out of my life. He was a complete downer and I’d been babysitting him from 5 hours away for years. He wasn’t going to help himself and I had a life to get on with. I not-so-slowly stopped talking to him and he got the message.

I honestly thought I’d feel bad about ending a at-the-time 7 year friendship… but I honestly felt better with him out of my life. Sometimes people change (or don’t) and you have to move on.

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