(Closed) I don't like the person he is, I was blind to it before?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 62
Member
3686 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

There’s no reason for you to feel bad about removing someone from your life who is nothing but an emotional drain on you.  You can’t fix him, and he does nothing but come up with excuses as to why he won’t do anything to help himself.  He’s not a friend–he’s a leech.

Post # 63
Member
354 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

@alyssaC:  +10000

 

OP, I would respond differently if this guy was doing everything he could to make his life better, but he’s not. He’s his own downfall, and he’s trying to pull you down too, cause misery loves company. I’ve had a friend like this and I dropped him after a couple years cause it WAS. SO. EXHAUSTING!!!!

 

Also, I fucking HATE when people pull the whole “If you don’t talk to me, I might do something stupid or hurt myself!” How dare they blame someone else for something like that? It makes my damn blood boil. This guy might have some mental/emotional issues, yes, but it’s not up to you to fix or help him if he doesnt want to help himself. Also, he sounds a bit scary to me, so I would stay clear, personally. But, my best advice is to tell him straight up that you DO NOT want to be in contact anymore. Yes, it might hurt his feelings, but you can’t sugar coat it with people like this. He won’t get it.

 

Good luck!

Post # 66
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@anonanonanonbee:  if he is threatening to harm himself, please forward that text or VM to his parents. Then block his number from your phone. 

Post # 67
Member
251 posts
Helper bee

I have a very very close male friend, who is 23 years old. We’ve been friends for nearly 6 years now, and I’ve seen him at his highs and his lows. Like your friend, my friend has never been with a woman (or had a girlfriend, been kissed in his adult years, etc.) Until recently he’s lived at home, and his family life was downright toxic. He tried to maintain jobs, but he just couldn’t. Partly because he relied on his dad to drive him to work, and when dad didn’t feel like it, there was no going to work (he didn’t have a DL) and partly because he’s struggled with depression and sometimes couldn’t even get himself out of bed.

My friend does things that I wouldn’t do online (sex chats, live cams, etc.) but it is not my place to approve or disapprove of his actions. He has needs and he satisfies them how he choses.

Anyway, recently he really really really needed a friend there for him. He became downright miserable to talk to, and boy were his mood swings crazy. He would say hurtful things, then apologize a while later, and yes, it got old, but you know what? I know for a fact that if I were ever like that, he would be there for me, no matter how miserable I was being. So I sucked it up and I was there for him. I offered my advice, and after a while of him not listening I told him that I was trying to help, but if he wouldn’t let me, then that was fine. He could still vent to me, but he needed to be aware that I wasn’t going to offer up any more suggestions or try to be helpful. A few weeks later he called me up and told me that he was “finally doing it” (meaning finally moving out of his family’s house to live with his aunt and uncle in another state) and already had a few job interviews lined up. I was proud of him, and I am still there for him even when he’s ready to throw in the towel and move back home. He is happier and he now has a DL and SPENDING MONEY!

My point is, sometimes friends can be irritating and hurtful, but if it is someone you truly care about, and someone whom you believe would do the same for you, you’ve just got to suck it up and let them be human. Yes, there are times you have to draw the line, and you’ll know when it is reasonable, but sometimes when people are so far down in the dumps, they really need some unconditional love and tolerance.

Post # 69
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

The thing is you can’t help him.  The most you can do is tell him you don’t appreciate his negativity and you can’t hear it anymore.  If he needs to talk to someone about what’s going on in his life he might want to consider speaking with a professional.  End.Of.Story.  You’ll probably have to tell him this more than once.  If he continues then hang the phone up, stop texting, or ask him to leave. 

You don’t owe him anymore than that.  No suggestions of how to get a job or improve himself because he’s not listening.  You’ve failed at helping him and not because you did a crappy job but because you can’t do it…no one can.  Only he can help himself and he won’t do it until he’s ready.

Post # 71
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@anonanonanonbee:  If he does just don’t open the door.  If you do open the door only do so to tell him you don’t want to deal with his negativity and you would appreciate it if he would leave you alone.  Then close the door. 

Post # 72
Member
2598 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@anonanonanonbee:  He sounds tiresome and annoying and, well, creepy for sure so if you want or need to distance yourself, then do but DO NOT talk to his parents about his private sexual life. I mean, what are they going to do, ground him? Honestly, it’s none of their business and this is info they really do not want to have. I imagine that his family is aware of his issues and if they decide they’re tired of supporting him, they’ll do something about it.

If you do hang out with him again, continue to be kind but perhaps more blunt. As in, when he complains about something he doesnt like about himself or his life, ask what he’s doing to change it. Alternately, you can tell him that you don’t know how to help him and that he needs to get or continue professional help then change the subject to something not about him.

Good luck.

Post # 74
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

He put up with you?!? Ugh, good riddance!!

Post # 75
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@anonanonanonbee: I wouldn’t take anything he says too seriously and I definitely cut him out of my life if I were you. It’s clear to me that he’s lashing out at you, which is not ok or healthy. I think it’s kinder of you to refuse to participate begrudgingly in this unhealthy relationship than it would be for you to humor him by staying his friend (whie hating every second you spend with him). You don’t owe him anything, and while I feel bad for him that he’s having such a tough time with his life now, you can’t and shouldn’t try to fix his life. If he keeps harassing you, you may want to keep a record of his communications with you and threaten to contact the authorities. Hopefully he’ll get bored and give up, though. I would not open the door if he comes to your house–he sounds unstable.

ETA: I agree that if he threatened suicide at any point, you should contact his family to let them know. 

Post # 76
Member
3277 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@whoa_its_ash:  

+1 I don’t understand the need to judge a person’s sexual activities.

That said, I recently ended a seven year best friendship because my ex bestie was bringing me down. She was very selfish and she kept making terrible choices. It would annoy me when she would come crying to me later.

Life is too short to spend with people who create their own problems, yet do nothing to help themselves.

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