Post # 1
Unfortunately with the holidays comes visiting my in-laws. Basically, I have no relationship with my husband’s family. Probably because my husband doesn’t have a close relationship with them himself. It’s as if my husband is the black sheep because he actually moved away and did something with his life. In the four years we’ve been together, they never once have come to visit him. He doesn’t talk with them on the phone, except his father when they need to communicate with each other. They don’t live close, but not too far away. About three hours in another state, so we really only see them around this time of year. His family consists of his parents and two siblings. The core of my issues are with my husband’s mother. It feels odd to even call her my mother-in-law because that would symbolize a relationship to myself. She never once has had a conversation with me, and whenever I have seen her she just talks about herself and her health issues which to be honest I have the feeling she exaggerates in order to get attention. I actually get the feeling that she is unable to have a conversation with anyone. My husband has mentioned that she has mental health problems. Last Christmas spoke volumes to me. She decided to not join us for dinner because her stomach was upset, but instead went to her room and continuously called for my husband’s father to bring her things. It was like she was a small child. This also happened to be two months before our wedding, and the only time we saw them during our entire engagement. Not once did anyone in his family even talk or ask about the upcoming wedding. Now, I was never one of those brides that liked all the attention, but this even seemed odd to me. It was as if our wedding was this elephant in the room. When my husband brought the wedding up, it seemed like everyone avoided the subject. When dicussing details like the rehearsal dinner the night before, his father responded ” Well, we’ll see”. Fast forward two months later to our wedding day and only his father attended. His sister rsvp’s no, his brother never even rsvp’d just didn’t show up, and both his parents rsvp’d yes but his mother never came. Not only did she not come, but she never even called my husband to tell him she would be missing her son’s wedding. He just found out right before the ceremony. Overall, I feel as if I don’t even have in-laws, which to be honest I’m perfectly fine with. I’m not going to force something that doesn’t exist. Basically, I feel uncomfortable visiting them, and just want advice on how to deal with this one time of year. If I could, I would rather not go. None of my friends have a similar situation, so it’s hard for them to relate.
Post # 2
Genuinely curious, why are you even visiting them? They’re essentially strangers not only to you, but to your husband as well.
Side-eyeing the mom who didn’t show up to her sons wedding and never thought to mention that she wasn’t coming even though she RSVP’d yes. That’s super weird.
Post # 3
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
Why bother visiting or even trying to have a relationship? They’ve showed that they couldn’t care less so why go to any effort?
Post # 4
Agree with PPs – honestly, it sounds like visiting them is only going to open up the wound that they don’t care about him. I’d probably just go on living your lives without them. It doesnt sound like they contribute anything, and that’s the easiest way to heal.
Post # 5
Does your DH even care if he sees them? Have you discussed it with them? Frankly, if he doesn’t care to see them, why go at all? I don’t see the point. They obviously don’t care so why should y’all?
Post # 6
I’ll agree with PPs here and say it doesn’t seem like there’s any reason to keep the relationships.
Post # 7
- Wedding: August 2015 - Tuscany Falls Banquet Hall
Well, I very must dislike my inlaws. It is not as bad as your situation though. I agree with the other bees. Why should you or he go visit them when they clearly have shown that they do not care about your DH. They seem like horrible people.
Post # 8
Ultimately it would be up to your husband. I don’t see why he would want to put himself through that. It sounds incredibly hurtful.
Post # 9
I’m guessing that your husband wants to see his parents because he still wants to have some kind of relationship with them.
I don’t blame you for not loving your in laws. They seem awful. Your Mother-In-Law could have at least let her son know that she would be missing your wedding and refusing to even discuss it was very unwelcoming to you as a new family member. I’m sorry Bee.
Post # 10
I was actually going to create a posting about my in-laws. I am on totally opposite direction from you with in-law issue. My issue they want us in their lives all the time. It is bad because my husband works out of town so husband cannot help around house a lot and they take that away from me whenever he is here. I would envy your situation. I know you feel like you don’t have a family. Maybe talk to your husband about it try to understand why they are like that to him. I would say try to visit them so they will open up to you guys more.
Post # 11
I would just stay home if I were you. I don’t think people should endure being places where they are obviously not welcome, unless it’s an emergency or if your husband REALLY insisted on it.
Post # 12
Thanks for all your replies! Basically my husband wants to visit his parents this time of year. I think he feels like it’s the right thing to do. I didn’t go with him when he went to visit for a day during Thanksgiving weekend, but I know that I’m going to have to for a day during Christmas. Though my husband knows there is something not right with his family, I feel like it has been his “normal” for the past forty years and still cares. Me on the other hand, being introduced to this in my mid-30’s is a totally different story.
Post # 13
this may be rhetorical but why do people feel obligated to visit family they never speak to just because it’s the holidays? Its just another time of year. I don’t understand it. My husband’s mother is the same way and she doesn’t talk to me or like that he’s married to a colored girl. Why on earth would we visit her for Christmas just because it’s Christmas? The whole point is to experience and feel JOY, happiness, and togetherness which none of those things are felt around her including from DH. I just dont understand that grown adults make those obligations for themselves like something magically changes just because its the holidays. Its just another day. And if your husband wants to go because its his family I’d let him go but not going to subject myself to that. That’s just me everyone has a different opinion.
Post # 14
It sounds like maybe your husband’s relationship with his father is salvagable, but not much else. Perhaps you could make plans to get together with at least the father around the holidays? I wouldn’t go out of my way to do so though, because it sounds like they would never go out of their way for you. Any immediate family who no-showed at my wedding with no attempt at an explanation would be a nope for me, honestly.
Post # 15
At first my reaction was ‘it’s just one day a year, go along, be the support your husband needs and then forget about till next year’. But the whole issue with his family not coming to your wedding?? Forget it! I wouldn’t make any attempt to go for Christmas. If they can’t attend your WEDDING, you aren’t obligated to see them for Christmas. That being said, sounds like there’s a little glimmer of hope that your Father-In-Law might be reasonable, and sounds like your DH isn’t ready to put those relationships behind him.
Rather than travel 3 hours each way, why don’t you offer to meet them halfway for a nice lunch or dinner at a restaurant? It satisfies your DH and FIL’s attempt at a relationship, and the visit is limited to a max 1-2 hours. If they can’t be bothered to make an effort to meet half way, neither should you.