(Closed) I don't love my ring.. Fiancé refuses to let me change it

posted 5 years ago in Rings
  • poll: What should I do given my situation?
    Live with the ring I have and not bring this up to him again : (174 votes)
    70 %
    Try to talk to him again to get his support (and risk threatening the relationship further) : (37 votes)
    15 %
    Just go ahead and pay for the ring setting myself without his support : (36 votes)
    15 %
  • Post # 16
    Member
    9198 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2013

    i agree if you want to add to it, you should pay for it yourself.

    Post # 17
    Member
    107 posts
    Blushing bee

    When you get married you can get your wedding band to be a enhancer for the ring itself. They have wonderful enhancers these days which are not permanent but will still give you the over all look you want i.e halo around diamond and a little more bling.

    Post # 18
    Member
    6107 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2013

     

    I wouldn’t change it. He’s obviously very hurt that you want to change it. Those feelings likely won’t go away even if you pay for it. Everytime he looks at your finger and sees the new ring, he’ll be reminded that you hated the one he spent time picking out and proposing with. This is exactly why I think guys should include the girl in the ring purchase. Even if that means proposing with nothing. I would just pick out a really blingy wedding band.

    Post # 19
    Member
    72 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: October 2015 - Hidden Acres

    Soon2ElopeBee: This x 1000000!

    I agree, listen with an open heart without an agenda of trying to change his mind. Good luck! 

    Post # 20
    Member
    246 posts
    Helper bee

    I have a solitaire and have found it much easier to find wedding bands than my friends who have intricate or pave bands.  We are using the money that would have gone to a setting for a better band.  Getting an eternity band with bigger diamonds.  Also, a solitaire will never be dated.  Your hunny made a very classy and savvy choice by putting his funds into a diamond and not the setting. Start trying on bands or as others have said enhancers.  They will dress up your solitaire nicely and you will have a much easier time finding a band that you love.

    Post # 21
    Member
    459 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Is it not an option to keep the stone and simply switch out the setting? I assumed this was what you meant, but then it seemed that your Fiance felt the entire ring would be changed or something. If you trade in the band they usually give you it’s worth in weight that you could put toward another band, and if you’re just looking for something with a halo or pave with small stones, I can’t imagine that the price difference is enormous. 

    I would also suggest an enhancer for your wedding band as well if you’re afraid your Fiance will be extremely hurt by you switching out the band.

    I have a solitaire in a plain setting, and right after my now husband proposed, he said that since we had to take it back to have it re-sized (he took the sizing from my slightly larger right hand so it was a little too big) that he would show me a few other settings he had looked at that had some diamonds down the side. I admit that they were very pretty, and while I thought about switching, I realized that I would feel compelled to match the diamonds in my e-ring to any diamonds I would get in a wedding band, and I wanted the freedom to choose whatever band I wanted. Now, when I see my e-ring alone, it looks so plain but with my wedding band it is so much more enhanced! I realize you’ll have to wear this for awhile by itself, but think ahead a little as to what you’ll end up wearing for the rest of your life once you have the band/enhancer to go with it and you might not feel as upset.

    Post # 22
    Member
    2838 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    HeartsandSparkles: You said, “I would buy myself a new setting- he doesn’t have to wear it every day- you do! Your Fiance needs to set his own ego aside because he should want you to be happy above all other things, and if that means a new setting, so be it! (My understanding was that you were just resetting the stone you got).”

    Sorry, but I disagree with you. I could just as easily tell her “You need to set your ego aside because you should want your Fiance to be happy above all other things, and if that means no new setting, then so be it!” But the ring is a symbol of their love for each other and shouldn’t be used to measure their love for one another. There are two people in the relationship and they should both be working for the greatest good of the other. Oftentimes that results in compromise.

    Mysecretdiary: I agree with other PPs who suggested you have a heart-to-heart with your Fiance to get to the root of the issue.  I also agree with other PPs who suggest you two find a way to compromise via enhancers/wedding bands. You asked, “Is my ring happiness more important than his support?” When really, the question is “Are my emotions more important this his?”  The answer to both is No.  You both matter in this relationship. This is a great time to practice conflict resolution. Premarital counseling can show you guys how to handle conflict resolution, too.

    Post # 23
    Member
    1914 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014 - Dallas, TX

    I’m all for loving your ring, but in this case I would probably drop it. How much would an intricate halo setting cost? $2000? I would add that cost to whatever you were planning on spending on a wedding band a get a huge ass knock your socks off wedding band.

    Post # 24
    Member
    965 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I feel you I felt the same way, I have a simple solitiare on a thin band with BIG FINGERS.. SIZE 9.5.  But, I must say I have grown to LOVE my ring because of what it represents, plus I do stackable bands so I change the look all the time, and I look at it like this, a simple solitaire with a simple band is a canvas that you can make whatever you like.

    It is likely your Fiance was troubled by your request to change it from the beginning he just didnt vocalize it.  It is highly probable that he did vocalize it to someone else and they indicated that you were being unappreciative.

    If it were me, I would keep what he gave me and bling the heck out of my bands…… My hubby made it clear up front, he was responsible for the E-Ring and I would have no invovlmenet, but told me to do whatever my heart desired with the bands. 

    Men have much more fragile egos that we realize…..

    Post # 25
    Member
    444 posts
    Helper bee

    Mysecretdiary:  You sound very young and immature. This is what, the third thread of yours complaining about how much you don’t like your ring? Is there some sort of underlying issue–maybe you aren’t ready to get married? You’ve posted about how you’re afraid to wear your ring to work and how the proposal came as a total surprise, and the continual harping on the ring despite it hurting your fiance’s feelings just makes me think there is something else at play. The ring is just a symbol. I love my round solitaire ring because that’s the ring my fiance saw and knew he wanted to propose with. It’s a classic cut that won’t look dated 30 years down the line. Jazz it up later with an extravagent wedding band or setting. 

    Post # 26
    Member
    965 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    Marriage is about compromise and sometimes you have to pick and choose your battles, this is all apart of them getting to know each other. I knew not to push the issue with my then Fiance, but there are other issues that I stood my ground on.

    Post # 27
    Member
    1621 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Mysecretdiary:  I think you’ve posted this before? 

    I would only go ahead with changing the setting if *both* parties are on board and feel good about it, and clearly that isn’t the situation here.  Yes, you have to wear it every day but on the other hand he bought this gift for you as a symbol of his love and he may feel like you’re rejecting his gift.  Especially with something like a solitare, which is so easy to “accessorize” with your wedding band(s).  Over a lifetime, you will reach many moments where what you want and what he want are at an impasse, you have to decide if hurting his feelings further is worth it to you to have your “dream ring”.  For me, it wouldn’t be.  My partner and our love will *always* be a priority over a material object.

    And if you do go ahead to change the ring, I think you should be responsible for the whole cost, not half.

    Full disclosure: my first engagement ring was designed by me but the jeweller didn’t make the setting properly as we had discussed, so I lived with it for a year trying to love it and ultimately we changed it.  But both my at-the-time partner and I agreed that it should be changed and also he didn’t have anything emotionally invested because he didn’t participate in the design in the first place (which I would have preferred but he didn’t want to).  So I’m not biased against the change itself, but I caution against if both people don’t agree or it causes hurt feelings.

    Post # 28
    Member
    3081 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    Mysecretdiary:  I don’t understand the idea of keeping it just because he bought it for you. It’s something that you are going to have to wear everyday for the rest of your life, you should be in love with it. 

    if you bought someone a birthday gift that they didn’t like, then they would return it and get what they wanted. Why isn’t this the same thing?

     

    i would just discuss with him that while you do love the idea of the proposal and like the thought put into it, that it’s not your taste. 

     

    Post # 29
    Member
    7646 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2012

    So your Fiance isn’t refusing to let you change it after all. He just wants you to pay for the whole thing, which I agree with him. He bought you a ring, offered to pay half to upgrade it, and you kept beating a dead horse by prying him to completely agree with you that it was the best decision, and ultimately, he just had enough and thinks you should pay for it all now.

    But what is done is done. Honestly, you’re going to hurt him further by talking about. He isn’t going to agree with you by what you described. I think PPs gave you a lot of good ideas to enhance the ring, so I would opt for that instead, but I would drop it with your Fiance.

    Honestly given your prior post about what your co-workers will think, I think you are too concerned with that others will think of your ring.

    Post # 30
    Member
    1979 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    howtobeawife:  You don’t have to agree with me, but your post doesn’t change my opinion. OP’s ring is not her style- she’s lived with it for 6 months and tried to love it, but still isn’t a fan. She isn’t demanding a bigger rock or anything like that, just a setting she LOVES with the original stone. IMO, her feelings about the ring that SHE wears is more important than his (that’s my opinion). When I give someone a gift, whether (s)he likes it is more important to me than whether I like it. Same stone, new setting is a compromise (in my mind). I am ALL about compromises! Your “compromise” seems to be- she needs to get over it and keep the setting so that he’s happy. Just doesn’t seem like a compromise at all to me. We will have to agree to disagree.

    In full disclosure, Fiance wanted to get me a plain solitaire… but that’s HIS style (and not mine). In the end, it was important to HIM that I LOVE my ring so we went shopping together to look at options so he would know what I liked (I got a solitaire with a pave band and side details). I love my ring, and he loves that I love it. Everyone wins.

    Best of luck OP! I hope you two can work out a compromise so you are both happy.

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