(Closed) I don't love my ring.. Fiancé refuses to let me change it

posted 5 years ago in Rings
  • poll: What should I do given my situation?
    Live with the ring I have and not bring this up to him again : (174 votes)
    70 %
    Try to talk to him again to get his support (and risk threatening the relationship further) : (37 votes)
    15 %
    Just go ahead and pay for the ring setting myself without his support : (36 votes)
    15 %
  • Post # 31
    Member
    1228 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    I read your other posts, it’s time to let this go.  

    It’s clear from your other posts this isn’t just about personal style, it’s also about size and cost, and what your friends/coworkers have and you don’t have.  I’d be hurt if somebody told me my gift wasn’t expensive enough.  It doesn’t take a giant male ego to be hurt when somebody tells you your gift isn’t good enough.

    If you were to exchange the ring for a different style, I think it’d be a lot less harsh than adding money to “upgrade” it.  But you said in a previous post you can live with this ring, and that sounds like the best option.   

    Post # 32
    Member
    6448 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Mysecretdiary:  I’m sure I will get flamed for this response, but you asked him right after the proposal if you could change the setting? To me that’s just down right rude. He took the time and effort to get you a ring you may like and you wanted to change it immediately?  He got you this ring as a gift, not exactly a symbol of his love, but something for you to wear to show others you are engaged and have the intention of getting married. He probably saved a good bit to get you this ring and you want to change everything about it. A ring is just a ring. It’s something you wear on your finger to outwardly say to others “I’m engaged, married, taken, in a relationship, etc.”

    I know others have said he can get over his ego, but I would be hurt if I got a thoughtful well spent gift to my husband and he hated it (something I was fairly certain he would love) but I would get over it.  But this is a ring, something he probably dropped $1000 on.  You want to change it, you pay for it in total and do not bring this up to him again.  My advice?  Keep the ring and realize what it means, not what it looks like.

    You got a lot of advice already on this thread: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/will-you-chip-in-to-upgrade-your-ring/#axzz3CMj1t2zI

     

    Post # 33
    Member
    3870 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2015

    Mysecretdiary:  I agree with a PP about an enhancer or stack rings. I got to choose my ring, but I went with a solitaire over a pave, halo band that I had wanted. I thought the solitaire would be better for the longrun and if I gained or lost weight, I didn’t want to have to worry about resizing the ring or having to get a new setting (I’ve been told they can’t expand pave settings). Now I’m excited because I get to find really intricate wedding bands and add a little more sparkle that I wanted. 

    If you don’t like the idea of an enhancer, just try to have an open, rational conversation with your Fiance. Maybe there is more to his sudden refusal to go along with an upgrade. Does he feel embarrassed? Does he feel hurt that you don’t like it? Try talking to him and bringing him with you. My Fiance would have been put off if I wanted a new ring, but would have gone along with it to make me happy.

    Post # 34
    Member
    11614 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2015

    This clearly isn’t about the ring so there’s no point debating the replacement idea. 

    Do you love this man?  Do you feel like he understands you and values your feelings?  What does marriage mean to you and why did you say yes? Why did he ask? 

    Or, buy the ring you want and wing it. 

     

     

    Post # 35
    Member
    3277 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    Mysecretdiary:  

    I believe that spouses should love their rings because they will hopefully be worn for life. 

    I understand your fiance’s hurt feelings but there should be a compromise. Good practice for marriage.

    Solitaires are easy to enhance as well. Maybe your fiance would be more amenable to that option? This way, you aren’t asking for a complete upgrade and you’re still keeping your original ring. Win/win.

    I hated my first ring, partly because I knew my husband could have spend far more money and selfishly chose not to. My husband said he would buy me a better wedding band to make up for it. We noticed that my ring had a defect so my husband upgraded my ring not even three weeks later. 

    I’ll be getting another beautiful ring set for our vow renewal next year. I will also be upgrading his tarnished tungsten band with a white gold ring. 

    Post # 36
    Member
    3277 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    Tinatiny1:  

    +100 These are all very good questions. 

    I remember dating an idiot who said that if he proposed to a woman and she didn’t like the ring, he would simply marry someone else. Men like that aren’t mature enough to get married.

    My husband has made up for his selfish attitude during our engagement but I will always remember it. Perhaps this is part of the reason he is so adamant about proposing again even though I said it wasn’t necessary. 

    Post # 37
    Member
    1617 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2014 - Cape May

    If you do reset your ring,  it is only fair if you pay for it. He did his part and spent his budget. Do you absolutely feel the need to reset it? Can you wait for an anniversary or closer to the wedding? I don’t think resets should be rushed into. I understand you waited 6 months already but it appears that Fiance is feeling a bit let down and unappreciated after putting the effort into surprising you with a ring. 

    I did reset my ring ( from a halo to a solitaire) and I waited 1 1/2 years to reset it. Fiance was OK with my decision as long as I paid the cost and talked it over with him. I cried too when I brought it up because I felt devastated that I was asking to reset it. 

    Post # 38
    Member
    2119 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    Mysecretdiary:  I would just let it go. get a ring you love as a wedding ring or anniversary ring. sounds like he really liked this ring and picked it out for you. now you are telling him its not good enough. if i did that for Darling Husband and he didnt like it, i would be hurt. same for the other way around. but we are both not picky people. 

    when did woman start picking their own rings? back in the day it was a gift. like the penguin and the pebble. some places its rude to return a gift that holds so much meaning to the giver. 

    Post # 39
    Member
    2255 posts
    Buzzing bee

    canadajane:  +100

    Four separate threads about this ring, mainly about size and status. What canadajane said is the best advice. I’d let this go because it sounds like you may never be quite satisfied compared to what others have around you. Your original ring is gorgeous. Wear it with pride. If you want an enhancer because you like that style, go for it. But don’t get another ring just to keep up with the Jonses. It’s a race you’ll always lose. 

    Post # 40
    Member
    718 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2015

    Well, because of this post, I just had a conversation with my Fiance about this. I wanted to find out what he thought.

    Full disclosure, he proposed with a place holder ring which was a ring that I had been drooling over forever. It’s by the jewelry designer Pamela Love. ANYWAY. He told me that he had looked at tons of rings, but at the end of it wanted me to be happy with what I’d be wearing for the rest of my life. So, we went shopping together and I picked out a double halo style ring. He was definitely surprised at my choice as he said he’d never thought it was what I wanted. But, after trying on lots of different styles, it’s what I liked best.

    So, when asking him about this topic, he said he wouldn’t be offended or hurt. It’s not like you’d be asking for a bigger stone, you’re asking for the style to be changed to fit what your tastes are. His goal was for me to be happy, not for him to be happy, he is not the one wearing it all day everyday. He was just happy to put any ring on my finger.

    ETA: But as other OPs have mentioned, there has been a few other threads about your ring. So, if this is really about style and only setting, then ok, push the subject. But, if this about size and status, then I’ll give the side eye to that.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by  OMGMrsW2B.
    Post # 41
    Member
    605 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2018

    I am ALL for changing your ring, as long as Fiance is 100% okay with it. But he is obviously not, so you need to drop it.

    Post # 42
    Member
    198 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

     Sorry if i am re writing something someone already wrote i didnt read the comments because i dont have the time. but quoted from the OP: “I’m not complaining that my ring is a lot smaller than most people i know” ok read that sentance you just wrote…and you think thats not a reason you want a new ring? [content moderated for snark, personal attack]

    Post # 43
    Member
    9223 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    I’m actually pretty surpised at all the responses here saying just keep it and deal with it. You have to wear this thing everyday and I for sure wouldn’t keep wearing a ring that I don’t love just because I’m afraid of stirring the pot with my Fiance.

    I agree with PPs that are suggesting enhancers — that might be a good way to get the look you’re going for without actually swapping out the ring. HOWEVER, I have a feeling that if your Fiance is upset at the thought of you not liking the setting and wanting to change it, he’ll be just as upset to see that you’re trying to hide or disguise it.

    I would just talk to him about it. As a PP noted, just tell him that it has nothing to do with him or how much you love and appreciate all that he does for you, it’s just a matter of jewelry preference.

    Post # 44
    Member
    9504 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    Would you rather have the man or the ring? Since your Fiance is obviously not on board with it, I would drop it and look into getting either two bands or an enhancer to get closer to the look you prefer. I know the ring is crazy important to some people, but I personally don’t think it’s worth damaging a good relationship over.

    Post # 45
    Member
    6448 posts
    Bee Keeper

    TheGridMonster:  she’s posted several different threads asking about this.  I agree with what canadajane posted earlier.  It’s not just about the ring anymore.

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