- 5 years ago
- Wedding: January 2018
Frequent, regular bee going anon for this post due to nature.
My mental health has been questionable for most of my life. my mom refused to take me to a therapist even after begging her for years. This has led me to become withdrawn about my symptoms, and no one even realizes that anything could be wrong with me anymore.
I have noticed that my issues has gotten more severe in recent years, but i still have not gotten a diagnosis or even made an appointment with anyone.
here are my major symptoms:
i get angry/sad/depressed in spurts that escalate quickly and last for a while, but go away quickly as well- i’ll be extremely depressed for days at a time, and then okay for a few days, and then i’m back to being depressed or anxious again. i am very emotional and tend to lash out at my husband for things that wouldn’t phase most people. i get angry so quickly and lash out at him.
bees, i realise this is abuse and i realize that i have to stop- but in the moment, my anger is so intense i can’t control it. i always, always, always regret it immediately after i say horrible things. i go from loving him one minute to absolutely despising him the next, although i realize how stupid i was to get so angry at him soon after i’ve calmed down. it’s the same with my other relationships.. i’ll be happy and friendly one minute and the next i hate them and they’re horrible friends and i want nothing to do with them. i’m also terrified of being alone, not relationship-wise necessarily but physically.
i can’t do simple tasks such as get gas, go the the store, or anything without having someone with me. i also have frequent suicidal thoughts, and my husband has asked me to tell him each time i have a thought like this so he can be more aware. thankfully i have always told him and he’s always stayed with me to make sure i don’t do anything stupid. i have insanely low self-esteem, bordering on hating myself.
i also self-harm. i stopped for 2 years, but about 6 months ago i started again and now i can’t stop. it’s almost like i can’t control my mind- i realize that my irrationality and hypersensitivity is, well, irrational, but i literally cannot control my outbursts. while i wasn’t self-harming, i did develop a nasty habit of banging my head against the wall, like when i’m sitting down with my back to the wall, i’ll lean back and hit the wall. it’s almost soothing, but it terrifies dh.
i don’t want a diagnosis, i realize that’s impossible to do over the internet and i’m not looking for one, but i do need to know if these things are things that really need to be checked out. i feel like if i let this continue, i’ll end up actually doing something really stupid; i don’t want to lose dh, that’s my greatest fear. he loves me, i know he does, and he’s the best support system i could ask for, but i can’t expect him to stay with me forever if i don’t get myself regulated somehow.
do i call a mental health clinic or just speak to my regular physician? do i take dh with me, or go alone? i’m so scared. i have no idea what to do. please give me some advice bees.