(Closed) I feel like a jerk :(

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 4
3370 posts
Sugar bee

@AquaGrey8962:  Are you sure he’s not autistic? I can understand bratty kids being annoying, but I find it really odd that he’s sensitive to sounds and people. That sounds a little autistic to me. At the very least he must have some kind of social anxiety. I don’t think turning 4 is going to bring on some kind of epiphany and the boy will just all the sudden settle down. Anyway, he’s a kid, it happens. I’m not sure there’s much you can do about it. Hopefully if he’s really freaking out one of his parents might whisk him away for a little down time in another area/room or something. Maybe ask your sister to talk to her husband about planning a little nap time or a little outing to help the kid not be so overwhelmed by all the activity.

Post # 5
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Muckenthaler Cultural Center

I would start with coming from the “I want to give you a night off “angle and suggest he stay with his grandma, if that doesn’t work, just be honest. She had a wedding once so she must understand.




On a side note he sounds like he may be on the spectrum, I wonder if he’s been tested? If so they have strategies to use for the sensitivity to sound. 


Post # 6
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

It’s hard because you’ve already extended an invitation to him. It would have been better if you had just made the wedding adult-only, no exceptions, and stood by the decision from the beginning. But that ship has sailed. The bottom line is that it is your wedding. You have a right to ask that only adults are in attendance. It doesn’t particularly matter if your sister is okay with it or not. The problem here is that you already said he could come. How close are you two? Whatever you do, don’t present it as “your son is a hot mess and I don’t want him at my wedding.” Focus on wanting her and your Brother-In-Law to be able to enjoy the night. 

Post # 7
227 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I have 3 neices and while they are welcome to the ceremony, I sat down with their mums and just told them straight- while I would love them to be there, that it is an adult only event where there is glass, loud music and a late night so it would be great if their grandmothers could have them for that night. Yeah, it went down like a lead balloon and they were pissed, but I’m going to get the night I dreamed of, with a desert table and everything (their mothers initially told me that I couldn’t have a desert table or glassware because my neices would be there.. ah yeah, I love you but that’s not happening)

Some things just have to be communicated and sometimes you have to have the tough ones and say no- goodluck!

Post # 10
3552 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Ok, I’m confused. The first time I read this post it was your niece, and now it’s your nephew…did you really get the gender of your sister’s kid wrong? If you have spent enough time around the kid to know how awful their behavior is I would think that you would know their gender. I have trouble remembering the names of all of my 13 cousin’s kids, but I know how many of each gender they all have. I wince at the thought of invinting all of their mis-behaved kids to my wedding, but I’m going to suck it up and hope for the best in the interest of not causing another family rift like my Uncle’s wedding did.

Post # 11
456 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I have an exremely premature baby too. And have done ALOT of research on them He was born at 24 weeks and is now 4. There are many studies out there that show that althought these kids do not get the diagonsis, alot of their behaviors are typical if not identical to children who are on the scale. 


Ex prems (particularly micro prems) are highly known to be either over sensitve to stimulus, or stimulus seeking. Mine happens to be sensory seeking. He comforts himself by self harming himself, but there is no diagnosis of autism. Issues with sensory difficulties includes sound, texture, taste, lighting, touch, movement and social stimulus. There are a lot of prems out there who are not on the spectrum but do have some sort of sensory disorder… I hope this makes sense. Also prems are renouned for having diffuculties in calming themselves under stressful situations and have difficulties with dealing and controlling their emotions in times which are stressfull or overwhelming to them. They also typically have very short attention spans  and will act out especially if they are mentally challenged by something and do not know how to tackle/face it. Please dont blame the child. It is not his fault.


Prems are born before their nervous system and brain was mature to be able to cope with the many invasive and aggressive treatments needed to keep him alive in the first place. As a result of this his brain has had to learn to cope and learn how to deal massive things before he was ready, such as learning to breathe, deal with pain, being constantly touched. and excessive noise excessive noise (nicu is a very noisy and stressfull environment for a tiny baby). To a tiny prem, the mere stroke of their arm feels like getting a chinese burn. So imagine what happens to them when they endure countless blood tests, transfusions, operations (in some cases) and handling. As a result of all of this there have been many studies comparing a 4 year old full term child to that of a child born prematurley. Their brain matter, density, size and structure is completely different. 


 Many tiny prems struggle througout their whole life, with school, social issues, fine motor development, gross motor development the lot. Yet, they do not get any additional funding, help and  are considered normal.  In my opinion, they are not…and whats worse is because there is no official diagnosis, they are labeled bratty, sppiled and naughty by many people who do not know the in and outs of raising a child that was born prematurly. 


Please take the time to do some research on prem children before labeling them. Perhaps you can have him at the ceremony, then help your sister organise a fun sleepover for him at one of his friend house immedietly afterwards for good behavior. Talk to him about it and prepare him for it. Even though he is not autistic, prepare him for it like a child who is on the spectrum or has aspergers. You will have more success with his behavior. Trust me, this is what I have to do with my son. Every. single. day. 


For the record, my son too is now physically caught up and is in mainstram school. However, he also displays a lot of the behaviors typically associated with ex prems. It is not as simple of them getting over things. trust me. speak to any mother with a prem and they will tell you what its really like.


Post # 12
2569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@AquaGrey8962:  You’re not a jerk.  It’s perfectly reasonable to want to enjoy your sister and BIL’s company at your wedding and it sounds like your main concern is that they get to stay and have fun.  And it’s also reasonable that you don’t want screaming during your wedding vows.  Unfortunately you don’t have any control over making that happen so I’d do your best to accept whatever outcome you get.  Good luck, here’s hoping he has an uncharacteristically good day 🙂

Post # 13
22 posts
  • Wedding: June 2015

I agree with wifey2be.  preemie kids have big sensory integration issues.  It’s not autism but some school districts will use that label so that a child can get therapies, but it not on the continuum.   They don’t “get over” it but adapt, and therapies modify the adaptations from full out screaming to something more socially acceptable. 


Why don’t you invite grandma? She can come with the understanding that she be the babysitter for the child.  This is what was done at a recent wedding I was at, she was a non-related Grandma, but looked after the child while the mom did bridesmaid duties, and photos and then took him back to the hotel. 

Post # 14
3771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

He clearly had issues beyond being a “bratty kid” . As pp pointed out there is more than likely had sensory issues from good medical history. 

To be honest if one of my sisters uninvited one of my children because she was afraid of “hearing sheaking ” all day I would probably not go – considering the amount of traveling in this situation. Be prepared that, that might be her response to this. And I don’t think she will but the I want you to have a night off standpoint.


Post # 15
1769 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1997

@jadlnc:  +1000, yes, signs of autism spectrum.

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