(Closed) I don’t see my mother being at my wedding…looking for advice…

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
1414 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

First of all I want to give you a big (((((Hug))))…..

…..and no, no, no you don’t have to invite her.

She is an adult.

She is responsible for her own wellbeing now.

Post # 4
869 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

First of all, big hugs to you.

I know what its like having a mother exactly like that.  I was abused, physically & mentally by my mother.  I was the youngest of 6 and I got the brunt of everything.  We have always had a love/hate relationship until I was 27.  A lot of stuff went down in the span of a few months (including her kicking me off her front lawn because my sister, who she favors and I do not have a relationship with, was coming home and she did not want me to be seen.  I got in my car and never looked back. Every family party she creates a scene, yelling at the top of her lungs, name calling, etc.   I have seen her only 2 times since 2006.  The last was july 2011 at my nephews 4th birthday party when she called me a little shit in front of everyone and was trying to antagonize me so I would hit her.  That failed and she burst into hysterics like she was the victim.

Please, do not under any circumstances invite this woman to one of the most magical days of your life.  If she could not love you enough while you were growing up, what makes you think she could do it for a day??  You have no obligations to anyone but yourself, your new husband and your child.  As long as the 3 of you are happy, NO ONE has a right to tell you what you should do.  Walk away from the negativity and do not look back.  I guarantee you that when you do, the air you breathe will be so much better.

Post # 5
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Dont feel bad it is up to you but i wont be inviting my mother either .. We have had similar issues and i told her 2 years ago not to contact my family ever again .. my life has been so much better drama free im so much happier and plus i didnt want my son to be around someone who wouldnt respect his body and not smoke around him … I can on and on but in the end its about what you feel dont invite her and feel like you have to be nice to her because other people in your family feel that she should come… I know mine will not be attending and i wouldnt have it any other way …


Post # 6
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@JanuaryGirl: I, too, have a very complicated past with my mother. She is not invited to my wedding. Your wedding is the start to a new part of your life that you should be able to enjoy. If having her there is going to take away from this at all, don’t invite her. 

My mother left my dad and I when I was just shy of two years old. It used to bother me, but at some point during my high school years I just quit having feelings about it. I think that it was a subconscious way to make it stop hurting.

Will she understand? Or act like she is being shut out without cause?

Post # 7
777 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@JanuaryGirl:  I’m so, so sorry that you had to live through all of that.

I had a similarly toxic relationship with my mother starting about a year after my parents’ divorce. Ultimately, after years of fairly cordial estrangement (cards at birthdays and perhaps meeting for coffee once or twice a year, but no other contact) I ended up cutting off contact with her about a year before my wedding. During one of our rare phone conversations she flew off the handle and said some absolutely hateful, appalling things, and I realized that things were no better than they’d ever been and would never be any different and that keeping her in my life could only lead to further unhappiness. I feared that her siblings and other relatives would pressure me to include her or, worse still, pass information to her so that she could show up uninvited, so I chose to exclude them as well. It wasn’t as difficult a decision as it might have been–they’d shown for years that they valued loyalty to her over the well-being of me or my brothers.

I don’t talk about this often, but I hope my story brings you some comfort. My decision to cut off contact with her is one of the best choices I’ve ever made. I’d worried for years beforehand about having her at my wedding, how to protect my future children from her, etc. Someone so toxic is never going to change, and however sorry you may feel for them, you can’t help them and you can’t make them happy. All you can really do is decide that they don’t get to ruin your own happiness anymore. You’ve started a beautiful new life. Anyone who wants to disrupt that or hurt you or pressure you to do things you don’t want to do has no part in it. If they aren’t looking out for your best interests, don’t let them in.

Post # 8
9548 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m so so so so so sorry you are in this position. I’m sending mental good vibes your way.

I think that given everything your’ve said it would be a mistake to invite your mother. And you and your fiance agree on this. And that’s really all that’s important. So do not invite her. And try really, really hard not to feel guilty about it. If other family members give you a hard time I would very calmly explain that while you do not have any hard feelings for your mother, due to the issues in the past you know you would not be able to enjoy your wedding day with her there so you are not inviting her.

You certainly don’t need to apologize to anybody but, if they’re still giving you a hard time, it might be easier on you if you phrase it along the lines of “I’m sorry I’m not stronger to be able to forgive and forget all the things in the past, but I know myself and that isn’t possible which makes it impossible for me to enjoy my wedding if my mother is there. And I refuse to have a wedding that I can’t enjoy. I hope you’re able to support me and my decisions on my wedding day, but if you can’t I’ll understand.”

Post # 9
735 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Weddings are a time to celebrate love and happiness.  I almost always give advice to mend fences and try to be the bigger person and include family, because they are family and in the end love means a lot… But in your case…

You aren’t harboring ill will towards someone, you aren’t wishing someone pain, you just seem… tired.  And sad about the situation.  And that’s about the only time when I can agree, if you don’t want this woman to attend the celebration of the love you share with your future husband then you don’t need to invite her.

If you have presented the situation with honesty, if you feel that her presence will make it hard for you enjoy the start of your new marriage because you’ll be haunted by the pain of past relationships that weren’t as loving as they should have been… Then don’t invite your mother.

And if anyone hassles you about it look them in the eye, square your shoulders and ask them “Don’t you think it hurts enough to have a relationship so rocky that I don’t care to invite Mom?  Please don’t push the topic.  I can’t stand to discuss it without crying.” (Which I assume is true.  it would be if I were you.)

However, if you think that there is ANY chance that you will ever regret not having your mother in attendance think long and hard before you make the call.  Because as awful as she may have been while you were growing up, it sounds as though she had medical issues that contributed to the behavior.  If she’s making an effort to be better to you now, you may eventually wish that you’d included her – at some point in the very distant future.  — Only you know if that’s possible though.

Post # 10
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@JanuaryGirl:  I would not invite her. Frankly, your other family needs to know why. I would not be afraid to detail all the things she did to you and tell your family about it.

Post # 11
11233 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I can relate. I was not abused, but my mother was not around. It was just the two of us and she worked full time, but never wanted to make time for me. I always felt like she never wanted me–in fact, I remember getting very upset one year at Christmas when I was a child (maybe 5-7?) and crying in my room because I fully believed that she didn’t love or want me. I raised (fed/clothed/bathed/did my own laundry) myself from the ages of 8-19, when I finally moved out. I saw my mother quite a bit after I moved, and then less and less as the years went on.

I honestly see her a couple of times a year at holidays, or if she needs something. I was unemployed for a year, and she still called me a few times to ask for money, and she was employed full time! Last year, I saw her three times: my grandparents’ 50th anniversary, the day I interviewed for my job she called me because she needed me to come pick her up to go get her car (and pay to get it out of impound!), and then at Christmas. Her car had died on the way to work that morning, and she’d left it on the side of the road (with no shoulder) for hours. I told her it would have been towed, and she ended up freaking the eff out when we drove by and it was gone. I calmly called the non-emergency number for the police department, got the number for the tow company, and called them for her. Then I had to pick her up at her place after work (where she got dropped off by a coworker) and take her to the other side of town to pay for and pick up her car. It took HOURS. And then, I had to follow them home (a friend towed it) and had to stand there and listen while she went over all of the stuff they were going to do for this piece of shit trailer they’d bought. Didn’t have the $80 to get her car out of impound, but had the money to put in laminate flooring and new cabinets. Hm. Christmas, she showed up late, and then went out to pack up her car and left without a word. 

Oh, and she has a super obnoxious boyfriend that I can’t stand. He tries to tell me what to do–thanks, but I’m in my mid-20s and raised myself, I think I can handle whatever I’m doing. 

I really do not want to invite her, but I will anyway, only because she won’t create a scene and she’ll leave early. My grandma and aunts know how she treats me–they’ve figured out that she doesn’t bother calling me or trying to see me. Hell, she didn’t even show up at my college graduation, while everyone else was there, cheering for me and telling me how proud they were of me.

Long story short, she does not deserve to be there on your wedding day. You absolutely do not have to invite her. 

Post # 12
312 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I agree with the PPs you are under no obligation to invite her. Also, I am so sorry this is something you have to deal with. You deserve better and I am happy that you have created such a loving family for yourself. 

Post # 13
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

my advise is to cut both her and your dad out and never speak to them again. she is a toxic hateful spiteful person and your father, well what sort of man guilts his own child to sacrifice her life to make his life easier

you do not owe these people anything – get therapy and a back bone to say never ever again will i let you make me feel like crap. you deserve better than this! *hugs*

Post # 14
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Don’t feel bad or guilty! I have a similar mother/family. I have an amazing life that I have created. Do what is comfortable for YOU! You can’t change people. Someone told me the other day, if you don’t have expectations of someone, they can never disappoint you. It’s so true with my Mom. so now, I just don’t expect anything. And I am never disappointed.

Post # 15
3580 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Thank god she was diagnosed because that was exactly what I was thinking too.  My cousin had a very similar relationship with her mother, but instead of being manic, her mother would go between church and meth, she always needed some sort of ‘leader’ in her life.  Wait, maybe she just needed to be diagnosed.  Hmmm.  Must explore that.  O_o

Needless to say that ALL of Jenn’s huge occasions (graduations, wedding, births) did not include her mother.  She didn’t even bother to let her know it was happening.  I don’t necessarily condone it but I also don’t disagree with it…it is her choice to make and as a mother, you have to choose who will be around your children.  To me, I look at it like would you introduce your child to Santa if he was a screaming narcissistic drunk?  Probably not.  Why introduce them just to tell your kid later that they can’t have a relationship with her because she’s beyond toxic? 

I don’t know what to do about your dad other than to say, he chose.  He did.  He chose to have that life.  What makes this heartbreaking is that you can’t invite one and not the other one since they live together. 

Post # 16
15 posts
  • Wedding: October 2012

I hope the statement that “everyone” is pushing you to invite her is an exaggeration (for which I would not blame you!) because if it’s not you may need better friends.

Do not invite your mom. Don’t invite anyone you do not want there. Chances are very low that you will regret this. Maybe you’ll be sad that she was not a person who you could invite — but that’s her doing.

It’s extra-hard when someone has a disease, I know. However, people with mental challenges like hers are still fully capable of making good and bad decisions. In other words, she is responsible for her own crap.

It’s extra-hard when it’s a wedding, too.

Take a deep breath. Take another and another. Be brave. Invite only wonderful people for your wonderful day.

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