I don't speak to my husband since last week

posted 1 week ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
926 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

No. This is a serious issue and playing some “I’m not gonna talk first” game is childish and immature.

I wonder how long you would hold your tongue if your child had been harmed when that tv hit the ground?  You know thats a distinct possibility, right?  And what about next time?  Dont kid yourself into believing that someone who could lose control enough to smash a tv on the floor is somehow magically capable of refraining from violence when your child is in the room.

It sounds like your husband has some serious anger issues and that might be the best case scenario. You need to have a conversation about what happened and he needs to find a therapist who can help him work through his anger.

Post # 3
Member
704 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Since he is obviously not bringing it up. You need to. There is no who should say something first, this is both of your relationship. Ignoring each other for days is very unhealthy behavior! How have you two dealt with conflict in the past?

“H we need to talk about our argument and the TV.” Then I would tell him everything you said above. “We have always been loving and affectionate and I love us and our life together but together we have to figure out how to stop bickering and arguing. It’s getting worse and yelling at each other and smashing a TV are unacceptable behaviors. I don’t want that and I know you don’t want that or our child growing up with this. Us ignoring each other for days is also unacceptable. We need to figure this out. I don’t want this to happen again.”

I would also further into the conversation say, Usually you are ,xyz, but lately I’ve noticed that you seem unhappy and irritated and I just want you to be happy. What’s going on?

Ask questions, why did you break the tv? Do you think that is acceptable behavior? Why didn’t you think you should apologize for breaking the tv?

Also, it takes two people to fight and bicker. So although he was way out of bounds smashing the tv and that is a million percent unacceptable and he should have apologized by now, I kind of find it alarming that he hasn’t, you both were fighting and both escalating the situation. Why were you yelling over a small thing? Why did you engage in the argument? If the two of you are unable to communicate and share your feelings and do conflict resolution on your own.. which seeing as you’ve been ignoring each other for days it seems like that may be the case, I would find a therapist.

This is not healthy behavior. You two have to be able to resolve conflicts.

Post # 6
Member
926 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

View original reply
reiko89 :  I hope you hear this with all the care and concern I intend it…I think you are deluding yourself.  If he can’t stop himself from smashing the tv in a fit of rage, why do you think he is capable of containing his emotions when your son is in the room? 

You may be right that he would never intend to hurt anyone, but someone who can exhibit such uncontrolable violent behavior is very much capable of doing harm when they are consumed by their emotions. 

Regardless, your ” he should talk first” stance is not the way to deal with this.  Talk to you husband. 

Post # 8
Member
704 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

View original reply
reiko89 :  He is the only one that can change his attitude. He has to choose to fix his attitude.

A relationship cannot be fixed by buying a TV. You cannot accept his, “my mother is driving me crazy excuse.” He is a grown adult he can choose to not be crazy.

The fight started because he was irritated at you?

You are shocked as you should be. The fact that he broke it while you were in the other room because he heard you and his mother talking is ridiculous. He brought his mother into your personal matters when he fought with you with her in the house. Both his mother and your son although not in the room certainly heard it and were there.

None of this behavior, him getting irritated at you. Yelling at you. Disliking his mother. Treating you poorly and blaming his mother. Breaking the TV. Ignoring you. None of that is normal or healthy.

This is only going to get worse. Nothing about this man is loving or wonderful. You are not overreacting. You are living with a man that is angry at the world and you have to try and calm him down, that sounds miserable!

You are supposed to be the person he loves more than anything in the world. The one he loves and trusts and respects. His life partner and teammate. He should be treating you with love and respect and honor. He hasn’t spoken to you since last Saturday. To me this is crazy! It seems like a control and power move on his part and is worrying. That is not how you treat someone you love.

Post # 10
Member
405 posts
Helper bee

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sassy411 :  “destroying objects  is domestic violence”? “Meant to intimidate you”? 

oh cmon now, if someone scrunches up a bit of paper after an argument and throws it in the bin roughly out of frustration is that domestic violence?

Post # 11
Member
405 posts
Helper bee

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reiko89 :  If your both yelling at each other regularly, and you are the one who “doesn’t want to go to bed angry” and tries to talk it out – only for him to apologise and say he is sorry – perhaps he views this as simply giving in to you to get along better and has in fact been going to bed angry rather than continuing a argument/talking it out which may satisfy you emotionally but not him. Maybe this is just the frustration over that building.

Do arguments/discussions usually continue when you need to talk them out and only end when you are satisfied they have been resolved? Just something to think about.

Post # 12
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - chicago, IL

 

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reiko89 :  I logged in just to say, maybe it’s different for other people, but my ex started acting like this. He would smash his fists into things, throw things at the walls, punch walls. He was incredibly emotionally abusive and it did turn physical toward the end of our relationship, thankfully we did separate, but it was at his request. I am grateful every day that we did not stay together because it could have escalated a lot.

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sassy411 :  I totally agree. My ex broke many things to try and scare me, punched holes in walls, etc.

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Brideordie :  I think the context of the situation when ‘destroying objects’ is important. I mean, I’ve broken things purposely, but not when/because I was angry at someone else. I do understand that if you haven’t been in that situation how silly that may sound!

Post # 13
Member
405 posts
Helper bee

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chickendance75 :   I get what your saying, but if I get in a fight with Fi, then we give each other space to clear our heads, but then I go in another room and snap a pencil in half (not that I have), out of frustration, that’s hardly domestic violence. Immature maybe but not DV.

Post # 15
Member
405 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
reiko89 :  Right and that’s not good because it’s uncomfortable for you. But by forcing him to talk and “resolve the situation” on your own terms when you feel the need to, he may just be agreeing with you so *you don’t go to bed angry. Have you ever waited till the next day to talk?perhaps he would be able to gather his thoughts more and you could resolve things on his terms? (Not all the time, but you have to consider what resolves things for him too) He May feel he’s catering to your emotions more than you realise.

Im not trying to be rude, but I’ve seen this kind of thing with my gf’s, where they force a talk and the man just kind of agrees, except not really because he wasn’t ready to talk in the first place and then he resents them and they think everyth8ng is fine until they find out he resents them, then they resent him for pretending everything was fine.

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