I don't speak to my husband since last week

posted 3 months ago in Married Life
Post # 31
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1682 posts
Bumble bee

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reiko89 :  

Of course I said something that irritated him

Quite a history here of him reacting to things you say, and the argument being construed as your fault?  Then you describe this argument, when you were actually agreeing with him but he’s so defensive he misconstrued it all.  Insecurity is what lies beneath the anger in most cases of abuse.  But, in the end, the practical solution is the same.  You can’t change him.  And yes, Bee, this is domestic violence.  He is not in control of himself when he’s smashing his phone and smashing the TV.  There is no telling what or who he will smash next.  And that is the more lasting part of the damage–the fear of what’s next.  He can replace the TV but he can’t undo what happened.  The fear of the next fight will grow.  You are already blaming yourself for his anger.  You go back and forth between knowing he’s unhealthily defensive and that he’s misconstruing your words, to blaming yourself for having spoken.  This part of the pattern.  His reactions are conditioning you to feel blame when he is the one behind his explosive behavior.  The psychological element to this dynamic can drive the strongest of people neurotic.  You’ll feel a need to justify yourself, and to try to prevent the next fight, but it’s not possible.  You can walk on eggshells and he’ll still carry on getting angry and blaming you.

This is a terrible time for everyone.  I don’t know that you have many options due to this pandemic crisis.  Normally I would encourage you to get out, stay with a friend, anywhere but there.  If you can’t leave due to lock down, then interacting as little as possible may be best.  Do not be confrontational when he’s already displayed rage.  When the health crisis resolves, you need to get out of this relationship.  If you could go somewhere safely now I would encourage it–your own family perhaps.  But if you can’t because of lockdown conditions then minimize interaction and make plans to get out as soon as possible.  If he gets upset at you about something, shut it down immediately with calm words of closure, “I don’t want to argue,” and walk away.  Don’t discuss things with his mother.  That will set him off.

I’m sorry this is happening.  This is definitely abuse.  The stress of current times is amplifying things.  Keep us posted.

Post # 32
Member
1682 posts
Bumble bee

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Brideordie :  

my comment was a question. Can you answer it? 

 

No one can answer your questions because you refuse to be educated.  Thread after thread, pages and pages of people providing you with an abundance of answers and explanations in response to your foolish and immature comments that are reflective of a foolish immature mindset, but like a stubborn child, you hear only what you want.  Complaining about co-workers in a way that perpetuates sexism, defending social prejudice like you have no idea how destructive it is. I guess you really just don’t have any idea.  You refuse to learn when information is provided you.  Now you’re commenting on a very volatile, potentially very dangerous domestic violence situation and again, your ignorance is as bright as day.  Ignorance can be a temporary obstacle.  People who are willing to learn can be provided with information or be directed to sources for more extensive research.  But that’s not the problem with you.  It’s that you refuse to learn.  You think you know just what you’re talking about and you’re right, obvi!!😘. Ok, no.  You’re not right.  And your downplaying of THIS situation is putting a woman’s and child’s safety in danger.  Not just from his flash anger and violence, but also to the throes of a very dangerous virus if she ends up running for her own safety into the infected community.

Can you just stick to fashion threads? Don’t get involved when real people can get really hurt or, in this case, potentially DIE, from your willfully ignorant and reckless counsel.

Post # 33
Member
1682 posts
Bumble bee

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reiko89 :  

Hikingbride’s experience is something to pay attention to.  Breaking things is implied violence.  TV now, next time people.  That is how your brain rightfully interprets it, and your son is seeing all of it too.  I grew up in a violent household.  My mother didn’t hit us very often, but when she did it was so damaging.  The emotional damage was always the worst.  And every time she yelled my heart would race, wondering if I’d get hit.  The fear in-between did so much damage.  And my brother learned from everything he saw and experienced.  He was regularly violent by twelve, primarily towards me, but has also been violent in his relationships.  He doesn’t want to be violent anymore.  He has tried to put it behind him, but it’s not that easy.  It is deep in his core and when he gets angry, he’s not in control.

I also worked for an abusive man as a nanny.  He was hostile with his wife, impatient with her, critical, shouted a lot.  Then he started throwing things during his outbursts.  And, as their little boy got older, he began to take his anger out on his son too.  First, bring impatient with him and telling him to go away, then shouting at him, last horrible spanking episodes.  The little boy was only three with all of this happening.  I quit over it. I tried to report the abuse of the little boy, but the child’s mother denied all of it. The mother left her husband a few months later and I was very glad to hear about it.

Take this time to make a planned exit.  Leaving for a couple of days will not fix this even if you could do it.  Try to get things lined up, privately, so that once travel restrictions lift, you can get out of there permanently.  Don’t let his mother overhear you discussing any of this with anyone.  If she tells him anything she’s overheard, it will set him off.

Please don’t think you can convince your husband to change.  You can’t fix this about him.  He would need extensive therapy to address the connection between his insecurities and his rage.  But that would still not keep you and your son safe.  And couple’s therapy would increase his hostility.  If he wants to change, it will only work if he pursues it of his own initiative and not while in a relationship with anyone because he will get worse before he gets better.  Please make plans quietly to get out.

Post # 35
Member
918 posts
Busy bee

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Brideordie :  you’re comparing throwing a piece of paper in the trash or snapping a pencil in half to smashing a tv and you want to people to explain the difference to you?? 

Post # 36
Member
941 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

girl Why are you still seeking reassurance? Yes you are being delusional and no it’s right for you to justifying his actions. He did what he did and he is giving you the cold shoulder. It’s not right stop seeking for someone to tell you other wise. Get a grip and open your eyes to the reality  He doesn’t seem to care about talking to you or apologizing. Cold shoulder is ont he menu all week

Post # 37
Member
1682 posts
Bumble bee

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reiko89 :  

No.  I don’t see this as a one time event.  There’s been a history of arguing, so that situation has been building before the pandemic.  But this is how he reacted when put under pressure.  Now that he has crossed that threshold of violence, it will be easier and more natural for him to cross it again.  It will only escalate.  This kind of behavior is habit forming.  And if you want to blame stress as the only culprit here, there’s no comfort in that.  This pandemic is crushing jobs everywhere it goes.  Economic stress is soon to overshadow health concerns.  You can’t stay with someone who gets violent under pressure.  I don’t recommend speaking to his brother.  His brother will tell him about the conversation.  Your husband will feel humiliated and betrayed.  Not to mention, that he doesn’t want to accept accountability for his problem, so he’ll be very defensive in general.  But specifically, to have you go to his family to talk about him, about what he wants to keep a secret, is a very dangerous thing to do.  It is likely to unleash a fury you’ve yet to see from him.  And his brother’s input will likely just deterr you from taking action.  He will likely downplay this behavior and see the good blah blah.  With a violent person, you don’t make decisions based on their good traits.  Everyone has a good side.  You make your decisions based on their worst traits.  Violence is a deal breaker.  It can’t be talked away.  You can’t just stay there and endure it and be “the good wife”. For your health safety, and for your son’s health and safety, you need to get out.

Post # 38
Member
737 posts
Busy bee

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buzzerbeater :  I wasn’t the one comparing them. A different comment said destroying objects was domestic abuse.

Post # 39
Member
737 posts
Busy bee

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gimmepretty :  Again, just a long paragraph that doesn’t actually answer my question. I’ll take it you can’t and simply want to stick to your own point of view without debate.

Post # 40
Member
1682 posts
Bumble bee

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Brideordie :  

Don’t derail this thread.  You’re not helping anyone.  What this woman is experiencing is more important than your need for attention.

Post # 41
Member
737 posts
Busy bee

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anonymousbee001 :  Someone shouldn’t always be picking “arguments”. That isn’t healthy either.

Post # 42
Member
737 posts
Busy bee

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gimmepretty :  It was a genuine response to op saying they fought often and she was the one who was often trying to resolve/talk through the arguments so they didn’t go to bed angry. Which could be seen as the other partner as continuing the argument or ending it only on her terms. She’s clarified further in response. That isn’t derailing the thread. I can’t  help it if other people responded to my post because they saw something wrong with asking that and offering some advice that may be worth thinking about.

Post # 43
Member
10357 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

You guys do not sound compatible as a couple and breaking a TV would have been an absolute dealbreaker for me.

Post # 45
Member
1224 posts
Bumble bee

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Brideordie :  Oh – are we blaming OP now for not managing her husband’s anger?

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