I don't speak to my husband since last week

posted 3 months ago in Married Life
Post # 46
Member
377 posts
Helper bee

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reiko89 :  i understand that domestic violence could be a thing here. But him smashing a tv makes me think maybe he has just been imploding and is starting to explode? You mentioned he’s been angry lately. Maybe talk to him more? Let him vent and open up? So he doesn’t implode. It’s human, we can only take so much mental exhaustion before we lose it. It’s not taboo. I’ve gotten so upset that I’ve wanted to throw things (trust me I’m not violent. I don’t swear or yell at people or call names or anything) so when I tell you I’ve thought about it in the midst of extreme frustration, I really had trouble not exerting that energy. But I managed to hold back.

 

maybe talking to your husband and letting him know you understand why he was so upset and that you want to be there for him and fix it together and be a team and make it work instead of work against you guys. Fight as a team not with each other.

idk just different perspective. By The Way THIS IS ONLY THE CASE IF HE HASNT SHOWN THIS BEHAVIOR HEFORE. 

Post # 47
Member
5817 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

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Brideordie :  if you think that breaking a pencil in half or crumpling a piece of paper is the same as smashing a tv out of rage then there really is no way to reason with you. 

Post # 48
Member
346 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 1985

Therapy is essential. You are not alone. Many people have gone to therapy with positive results. Just be safe!

Post # 49
Member
737 posts
Busy bee

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anonymousbee001 :  No, obvi smashing the TV was wrong and kinda nuts. However I was commenting about op saying she was the one who wanted to resolve arguments so they don’t go to bed angry. Now maybe hubs never talks so she has to. But if not then Sometimes people need space, if one person is always wanting to talk quickly after argument/disagreement to talk things out to their emotional satisfaction, it can come off as continuing the argument or being oblivious to what their partner is feeling at the time. IMO some women do this without even being aware of it, or the damage it does to relationships in the long term.

I never said that was definitely happening, it was just a question based on part of her post which she has since clarified more.

Post # 50
Member
737 posts
Busy bee

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lifeisbeeutiful :  I dont think they’re the same it was a response to a comment saying destroying objects is domestic violence.

Post # 51
Member
89 posts
Worker bee

DV is a pattern where one partner repeats violence against the other, damages objects big or small, is emotionally abusive, attempts to intimidate, etc etc. I wouldn’t say this one single action is automatically DV — though it seems like a serious anger issue, I’m not downplaying that — but only you, OP, know his behavior. Has he been controlling in the past towards you? Emotionally abusive?  Don’t make excuses for his actions. Take an honest look at his previous behavior. 

Post # 53
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee

This would be an absolute deal breaker. A non negotiable one at that. I take property destruction seriously. Your op questioned it was only a small argument, what will he do if we had a more serious problem? I wouldn’t stick around to find out.

I understand that you have an 18 month old son. Do you want your son to grow up in a household where he watches his father brood when he’s angry (not using conflict resolution skills), or watches his father cause property destruction? You shouldn’t normalize or accept this behavior from your husband. Even if it was a one off, the fact is he destroyed a TV over the price of something. He cant handle his mom being in the house? He’s stressed? Life is stressful. You don’t see the rest of the population smashing the hell out of their belongings.

Youre trying desperately to rationalize this behavior. Your gut says what will happen if we had a more serious issue? Go with that gut feeling. Sure, he can get therapy, anger management, etc. The treatment is a lot of work, and is a slow process. If he opts to do this, I’d move out while he sorted shit out. You cannot support abusive behavior, nor should you risk your, and your sons safety as he goes through treatment. You shouldn’t take this lightly and you shouldn’t sweep it under the rug in hopes this will all go away. It won’t. Get yourself into therapy too. 

Post # 54
Member
737 posts
Busy bee

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reiko89 :  I think your making the right choice for your family with therapy. Too many bees here see abuse in everything and the first solution is always drop everything and leave. Your a good mom and I hope it all works out.

Post # 56
Member
1682 posts
Bumble bee

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reiko89 :  if you hadn’t described a history of frequent arguing, it would be different.  If there were no violence here I would say you’re incompatible at best.  But the underlying issue beneath the arguing seems to be his insecurities, which you can’t fix.  If he shows a sudden turn in behavior while you’re trapped together for this quarantine, then great.  I would say, please don’t take risks on approaches that could set him off when you are not able to get out of there.  That includes head on confrontation trying to “hash it out” or working behind the scenes talking to his family. I don’t think this relationship is salvageable no matter how you look at it but if you’re determined to try therapy (which I’m warning is likely to backfire) please don’t go down that road until you have a way out.  After this pandemic has resolved and you have a backup plan.

On the topic of your son.  He is at an age of resilience.  He will be more scarred being raised in a home of anger and fighting than he will be by a separation/divorce to get him into a healthy environment.  I was the youngest of three when my parents divorced due to a very volatile marriage of fighting, yelling, and some violence–mostly throwing things but some shoving in the end.  My brothers were 8 and 5.  I was two.  I was the least damaged by the divorce.  My brothers were badly affected not just by the divorce but by witnessing/overhearing the years of fighting.

Be careful not to let your mention of “shame” do your deciding for you.  The greater shame would be keeping your son in an unhealthy environment.  But if you want to try to fix things (I don’t think it will work) please at least wait until you are safe.  Live by minimal risk for now while you’re trapped there.

Post # 57
Member
9391 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

 Brideordie :  

l begin to feel as if your only purpose in being on these boards is to maliciously disagree , usually in the most disingenous , and often damaging , way possible. Either that or you are quite pathologically naive  This ridiculous comparison of scrunching paper or snapping pencils is just the latest example.

Bride or die? Perhaps this is your problem. 

Post # 58
Member
1682 posts
Bumble bee

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elderberry :  

There is something pathological going on.  My daughter observed it when she read  her comments on the “golddigger” thread.  My daughter, who is twelve, mentioned a girl at school who carries on with rude, drama-laden behavior, picking fights and arguing endlessly, usually irrationally, to declare herself right.  She “wins” when others get exhausted by her behavior and walk away.  Gildedblooms said to this poster in question, “you’re exhausting,” and she said, “thank you.” That says everything.  I think she has been enabled in her disruptive behavior by adults who gave up on trying to stop her because she exhausted them.  More’s the pity.  If ever there was a situation to remind of the importance of upholding standards of conduct and not giving up healthy standards because a child is exhausting.  They grow into irrational adults whose exhausting behavior has much bigger consequences.

Post # 59
Member
1824 posts
Buzzing bee

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reiko89 :  Do you want to be married to someone who breaks things when they are angry? Do you want to raise a child with someone who won’t discuss issues with you calmly? Do you want your child to grow up to learn these lessons? Do you want to feel terrified when you fight? Do you want to watch the situation escalate before your eyes?

Look, there will always be reasons to stay. I grew up in an abusive home and my mother stayed, which has basically messed me up as a person. I learned a lot of unhealthy habits. I went on to have abusive boyfriends and there was always a reason to stay. Leaving is hard. You love the person. You might rely on them for multiple reasons. You have a child. But no reason you can give to stay is as important as the ONE reason to leave – the mental, emotional, and physical health of you and your son. If you stay, you are CHOOSING your love, your fear, and your dependence on this man over your responsibility to yourself and your child. 

This relationship will not make you or your child happy. There are major issues here if this could happen. MAJOR issues which will eat away at your entire family. They are unlikely to be resolved if you stay. Your best chance is to leave. 

Post # 60
Member
737 posts
Busy bee

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elderberry :  I am only disagreeing that this one stupid act of smashing the TV in anger/frustration, while she was in a different room definetly equates to domestic violence. It may be indicative of anger issues that do need therapy, but I don’t think that definitely means leave. I was simply trying to learn more about their fighting – because she did say they were both yelling at each other. Who starts it? Is it always him that apologises? Etc. So I can actually get the full picture of the situation.

Im sorry If I’m coming off to keen or argumentative perhaps the stress of things right now is getting to me. But surely I’m allowed to disagree and defend my opinion? Or is only one opinion allowed?

As for the poster below you, I actually wish there was a block feature on here because imo her behaviour is pathological. She’s taken to referencing me in totally unrelated posts and topics to other people in a very passive aggressive way, or as she just did, agreeing with anyone by psycho analysing me and talking about what her kids supposedly think of my comments – this isn’t the first time she’s done that. And now unsurprisingly she’s trying to get me censored somehow. I mean cmon, it’s all so petty.

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