I don't speak to my husband since last week

posted 3 months ago in Married Life
Post # 76
1682 posts
Bumble bee

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sassy411 :  

In her op she explained that her town is in lockdown due to the virus and she can’t travel to stay with anyone else.  Because of this pandemic, she is stuck.  That’s why I’m so concerned.

Post # 77
11381 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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gimmepretty :  


But, DV shelters are often isolated, in undisclosed locations.

I think it would be worthwhile for OP to know if that option is available, should she reach that point.

Note that the DV Hotline is developing strategies for exactly this situation.

OP may not be ready to take in this information, but, hopefully, someone will be.




Post # 79
11381 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Every time we have an abuse thread, some strange force compels many Bees to lose sight of fact vs opinion.

We see a lot of *well, I don’t consider that abuse!*

With due respect, who cares what any of us *thinks*, feels, or believes is abuse?

Domestic abuse has been well defined in the literature by experts who know what they’re talking about.  Piles of scholarly research abound.  But, all of that is only useful to those willing to read the clearly written definitions, explanations, and examples of what constitutes domestic abuse.

The issue here is that it’s not harmless.  Every single time a Bee pops off with what is merely an uninformed opinion, as if it were a fact, it undercuts the posts from Bees that are offering up truthful information, based on credible, primary sources.

Be mindful that OPs in these situations are extremely vulnerable and usually only too eager to grab on to anything that gives them the false reassurance that he’s really not *that* bad.

Words have meanings.  Words have power.  

In matters of abuse, knowledge not only is power, it’s everything.

Post # 80
737 posts
Busy bee

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sassy411 :  there is no definition of abuse which includes smashing a TV out of frustration as abuse. You have chosen to see it as a threat so you are applying the definition of it being one and calling it abusive on that basis. Your twisting the definition to match your opinion on what has happened when you really don’t know what was going on when it happened. 

Im sorry but this is the internet and you can pull up a study to support just about any point of view, even opposing ones. And if you support said point of view you will find your study to carry authority and others not too. What “literature” by who? What makes their opinion any more relevant than ours or the laws ? (Which by the way would not see this a a crime unless you really twist what’s happened and add a motive to the smashing of the tv which you don’t know even exists) If your willing to deduce that you know OPs husband was psychologically threatening her with this it might be abuse, but you don’t and can’t know that.

Post # 81
4117 posts
Honey bee

If he is serious about personal therapy, he can do it now via skype, facetime, etc. 

Post # 82
469 posts
Helper bee

 Okay, abuse or not, breaking a TV out of anger is a total red flag. Whenever I get angry, sure I’d punch a pillow or bite down on a blanket, but I wouldn’t destroy my TV! That’s just crazy anger issues right now, and as someone who grew up with parents who had anger issues, you don’t want your son growing up around that. 

I don’t know what his mother could have possibly done to cause him to hate her that much (and yet is still allowing her to live with you?) but ya’ll need to nip this in the bud. That means looking into anger management and therapy for whatever mommy issues he has.

Post # 83
62 posts
Worker bee

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sassy411 :  


Thanks for posting links to the articles. The one that described the dissasociative effects forced on children when they need nourishment from their abuser was very thought provoking. 

I can’t agree with your conclusions (on the evidence so far) in this case that the husband is a lifelong irredeemable abuser 

– did the OP see how the phone or TV were broken? She was in a different room right?  
– what evidence (if any) is there that the husband damaged the objects with the OP’s mental state in mind? If that’s not relevant, then is physical proximity the only factor that makes property damage into abuse? 
– Is a person who kicks dirty cleats to show anger at a partner for leaving them (again) on the floor, and breaks glasses on a nearby table, also an irredeemable abuser?

im not saying he’s not an irredeemable abuser. I’m just curious as to how you can do certain that he is. And what test you use to draw such a conclusion? 


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