(Closed) I don’t think he will ever propose!

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@wife_bris:

Why do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?

I’m not trying to be snarky, but am genuinely curious because it wasn’t clear to me in what you wrote.

Post # 4
Member
3521 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@elivt: Seconded. It sounds like he wants you to “earn” his approval and love before he’ll consider proposing (your impression of having to “audition” for the role of his wife sounds spot-on), and that’s not healthy. In addition, though he may be asexual, he needs to consider YOUR sexual needs as well and not say he’s “just giving in,” which is hurtful and insulting to you. I would recommend counseling, both premarital and sexual, because there’s no reason you should have to go through life in a totally sexless marriage. There should be some sort of alternative for you…

Post # 5
Member
12 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2010

First of all I want to say that I think its a good that you aren’t immediately jumping to move in with him and uproot your child without a commitment. I don’t have kids, but growing up in an unstable home has taught me a lot about what I do not want to subject my kids to.

Anyways, I feel like marriage is something that shouldn’t be rushed. 18 months really isn’t a long time. And from what I’ve read it looks like you spent the first year feeling horrible about yourself and then 5 months in arguments. I’m just an outsider looking in so I don’t know the whole dynamic to your relationship, but if it were me I would want to wait it out and make sure it was really what was best for everyone.

 

Post # 6
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Been here, done this. My ex-husband (that tell you anything?) claimed that everything in our relationship would be absolutely perfect if I would just change A, B and C. Nothing was ever, ever his fault and he was always the victim. I know precisely what you mean about having to audition for the role of “wife” and I very seriously doubt you will ever measure up to whatever standard he has in his mind. Do NOT go here, especially since you have a child in the mix. 

Post # 8
Member
153 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

First off, you should put yourself in his shoes for a moment. So much fighting early on in a relationship can make it really difficult to see the good things. How do you know that everything will be good once you move in together? If you find that you two can’t get along, will you just call off the engagement?

Secondly, no one is asexual. Human beings are sexual creatures – it’s just in our nature. He may not be cheating on you but it sounds like there are other issues there. Is there a possibility that he is gay and doesn’t realize it?

Post # 10
Member
3304 posts
Sugar bee

Usually I am an optimistic person but based on your details you have listed about your relationship and your life, I really don’t want you to put your eggs in a basket for him.

Post # 11
Hostess
18637 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Have the two of you considered counseling?  It worries me that he is hanging onto the fact that you fought when you were going through a tough tme (you were unemployed and looking at losing your child and he was injured and unable to work).  Those aren’t really typical circumstances and it isn’t suprising that you fought during that time.  But it is worrying that he is hanging that over your head saying that you can never get along because of that time.  He needs to decide what he wants to do since you should not move or move in with him before a commitment since you need to think about you and your child’s welfare first.

Post # 13
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Counseling is much needed here. And i would seriously not marry someone that I fough with like that. He isn’t trying to make you jump through hoops – I read this as him trying to figure out whether that was a temporary period, or whether it is more permanent. Also, sexual issues are a big deal, and it it is undermining your self esteem, that’s a really, really big deal. I think counseling for multiple issues (both together and you on your own) is really waranted before an engagement takes place!

Post # 14
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

I just wanted to chime in and say that I also would be reluctant to marry someone before I had lived with them.  I was surprised to see so many people refer to this as an audition!  I thought of living together as, a chance for both of us to mutually get to see how it felt to live together.

Post # 15
Member
306 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@mrbee: I agree with you. I wouldn’t be able to marry someone without living with them first either. To me it just seems like hes being smart and not rushing into anything, especially if there has been a lot of fighting. 

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