- 8 years ago
Hi everyone, I am a long time lurker but I am officially “waiting”.
I have a child and live 70 miles from my boyfriend. Due to me having a child who is in preschool, I will NOT relocate and move in with my boyfriend without an engagement. This was made clear very early on in our relationship. We have been together 18 months. He is 36 and I am 31. Neither of us has ever been married and I have a 5 year old boy who adores him.
I had some major issues over the summer and fall (July to November) that involved losing my job, and my son’s father suing me for full custody due to my unemployment. I spent 27,000 in attorney fees and I am close to declaring bankruptcy. My boyfriend has been so loving and supportive during these awful times. I also saw him through a major car accident (emergency surgery was needed and he was laid up for 3 weeks) that happened simultaneously to my job loss. I feel good in knowing that we can get through anything. It was truly AWFUL for both of us.
The only major problem in our relationship is our sexual incompatibility. My boyfriend is pretty much asexual. He could go the rest of his life without it, but “gives in” for me. Knowing that this is who he is, I accept it. But it took an entire year of me feeling horrible about myself when he turns me down most of the time. I blamed myself, though he says he is attracted to me. My self esteem started to corrode over time, and when I lost my job and got sued, I became a monster. We fought every week for this 5 month period.
Most of the time, I feel great about myself. However, when I do not, I become nasty and needy . I found a great job and things between us are wonderful. We got through a very rough patch and he’s been great, and yes, I can deal with the sex issue. We are slowly trying to reach a compromise.
However, my boyfriend says he won’t propose until he knows we can “get along” and go several weeks without fighting. We haven’t really had a fight since around Thanksgiving, so about a month now. I pointed that out, but he stated that due to the long distance, that’s not a good way to guage how we can get along. It almost sounds like he is saying I have to move in first so I can “audition” the part of his wife!!!
Now that I am employed, we are back to seeing each other twice a week or so. He claims it’s impossible to find out if we are compatible seeing each other only twice a week. He doesn’t want to commit to me, only to have me move in and decide we don’t get along. He HATES fighting and has an extremely low tolerance for it. Occasional disagreements are fine, but he won’t tolerate consistent fighting.
In the 18 months we’ve been together, our “constant fighting” was for 5 months of it. He is hanging onto this and somehow sees this as how we normally are. He is forgetting that 99% of the time, we are getting along perfectly. I don’t get it!
Have any of you ever faced this?
For the record, my boyfriend makes well into the 6 figures. He has helped me a TON with my attorney fees, but I still owe quite a bit. If we get married, my “close to bankruptcy” status would not be an issue anymore. So I don’t think he is waiting for my finances to be in order before he pops the question.