(Closed) i dont think i am ready, but i dont think i can stop.

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
6892 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

i know he loves me more then i love him <– This is what caught my attention the most.

Don’t get married because of the wedding. I know it is probably a lot of pressure and guilt, but wouldn’t you rather be honest and save the man some heartbreak? I’m sure he’d much rather have an ex-fiancee than an ex-wife. People might be upset, but anyone with both of your best interests at heart will put up and shut up.

Post # 4
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

What you’re describing sounds like a lot more than cold feet. I know it’s not easy, but if you don’t love him or want to be with him, you should walk away. Marriage is tough for two people who love each other. Marrying someone you don’t love will only make both of you miserable. You both deserve to be happy. He deserves a wife who really wants him and you deserve a husband that makes you glad you’re married. There are other fish in the sea and when you meet the right guy, you’ll be happy being with him. Remember that divorce is a whole lot more expensive and difficult than cancelling a wedding

Post # 5
Member
346 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Honey..I had all of those same feelings before I married my ex-husband…andobviously didn’t act on them. :/ Sadly, that relationship didn’t work out. If I had figured out sooner, it would have saved us both a lot of heart ache. 

 

He loved me more than I ever lived him.

I had ZERO sex drive with him by month 6…and by year 6…we didn’t even kiss anymore. We never fought or anything, but the physical intimacy just wasn’t there. 

 

After the divorce andI after I met the right guy, I realized there was much more that was wrong with that relationship than originally thought. 

 

Good luck making your decision. Hugs!!!

Post # 6
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I have gone in an out of feeling like this; I have talked to my best friend (who is also my Maid of Honor) and the thing she reminded me was that May 26th is not a deadline and it is just money.  Money can be made back but your life is a one time thing.  @AmeliaBedelia is right; he would much rather an ex-fiancee than an ex-wife.  If you do not feel 100% right now then I say you should really dig deep and seriously think about walking away–money aside.  Talk to him, talk to his mom, your best friend, someone you trust; however, they should not tell you what to do, they should only help you weigh the options.  Do not let anyone talk you in our out of anything; you must make the decision because you are the one who will have to live with it–not them.  Do what you need to do–I know you’ll find the right answer.

Post # 7
Member
43 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I have had these thoughts before in my 20’s.  I became the runaway bride which was worse than losing some $$.  I was engaged 5 times since then and now finally at almost 50yrs old I have found my true love and I will get married for the first time.  Trust your heart!

Post # 8
Member
368 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@danymarie:  What stood out to me was when you said you tried to discuss these feelings with him but couldn’t. Many more difficult topics will come up through the course of a marriage; if you can’t talk to him now, it’s not going to get any better.. Marriage is a huge committment, and you sound very clear about not being ready to commit!

You have to be fair to both of you. You aren’t ready to get married, at least not to this guy. And he’s ready to be married – perhaps he’s overlooking the flaws of the relationship for the sake of having a marriage. But going through a divorce will be much more emotionally and financially challenging than calling off a wedding. I would suggest you do right by both of you and call it off. I imagine you love him, even if he’s not the right one for you in marriage? If you do love him, spare him now and tell him the truth of your feelings.

Lastly, to your statement that later when you’re ready to settle down, you’ll think you let a good one get away. You can’t think of it like that. Yes, you’ll have let a good one ‘get away’ but the one who is right for you, at the right time, will come along and you’ll be glad you let the good one get away, I promise. Also, you’re allowing your Fiance to go and find the girl who is head over heals for him, which is what he deserves as well.

It’s a difficult situation, regardless – good luck and be strong!

Post # 9
Member
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

My Fiance has been married before. I asked him if, at any time, he felt it was wrong and he said “the entire time”. He proposed because he felt he had to (they had been together 5 years, family was pressuring him, it was the next step, etc), and he thought that maybe, perhaps, not being completely happy and missing his “old life” was normal.

It’s not!

My Fiance says that when she walked down the aisle he had a knot in his stomach, knowing it was a bad idea.

Their marriage lasted 9 months before she revealed she was a lesbian and wanted a divorce.

Almost 3 years later, they are both happy, without each other! Last I heard (and likely last he heard) she is living with a new gf, and I am getting married this summer. When I asked him if, honestly, he has had any issues or concerns about marrying me, he said it was a completely different feeling.

 

I know you are going to lose money pushing it back, but it seems you have a lot of issues to work through before you even consider marrying your Fiance. I recommend postponing it, seeing a counciller, and re-evaluating if he is the one or the one along the way.

Post # 10
Member
1855 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@JuniperSage:  ditto.  

OP, walk away now.  Like the others said, this isn’t just cold feet.  This is your heart/gut/brain screaming that this relationship isn’t right for you.  It’s not fair to him or yourself to continue on despite knowing it’s not the right thing.  Losing even thousands of dollars now is far cheaper than dealing with the pain and expense of divorce down the road.

Post # 11
Member
5475 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

It’s a LOT easier to call off a wedding than to get a divorce- and cheaper too.  Don’t worry about the money.  Doing what’s best for you (and honestly, for HIM in the long run) is what’s important.  Good luck, I know you will both be happier in the future.

Post # 12
Member
1473 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m 24 as well and I have never feel as though I’m too young to get married. But then again, I was never the going out type and I am more or a homebody so I never look back and think “man, I wanna get drunk and dance with hott guys tonight,” With that being said, if you still feel that way, it could possibly be cold feet. But it could also mean you aren’t ready maturity wise to get married, or you just arent ready to be married to him.

As far as the whole no friends thing goes, it isn’t really his fault that you no longer have any friends. It’s not his responsibility to uphold friendship previous to the relationship, it’s yours. And it is okay to go out without him if he doesn’t drink. No one said 2 people had to do the exact same thing all of the time. It’s very healthy to be your own person, married or just in a relationship.

I also think the fact that you are not very sexually attratvice to him is VERY unhealthy. Not to be weird, but I look at my Fiance and I want to jump his bones all the time. I could have sex all day everyday with him and that still would not be enough for me. I think that the emotional aspects of the relationship are great but you also need to have a healthy physical relationship, IMO. If you don’t feel this way about your Fiance, he isn’t for you.

Don’t get married for the sake of money or embarssment. It would cost more money to go through with the wedding and then get divroces months later. If you feel that deep in your heart this isn’t right, be fair to him and yourself and call it off. You both deserve to be happy.

Good luck!

 

Post # 13
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I agree with the others – don’t get married just because you’ve already put out money for a wedding. PLEASE!!!  You both deserve to be happy and crazy in love, and its just not fair to marry him with the way you are feeling.

Post # 14
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

Oh honey, you need to listen to your heart. Take a step back, re-read  your post and ask yourself…if this were your BFF telling you all of this, what would you tell her? It sounds like he’s a great guy, just not the guy for you. It’s so much easier to get out of the relationship now than when you’re married. Money isn’t everything, and I’m sure your parents would be happier that you stopped this now rather than with a divorce down the line. 

Post # 15
Member
2786 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m a little older than you (26), but my “plan” was always to wait until I was 30 to get married, so I can empathize with feeling “too young”. Also, 99% of my girlfriends are single, so I watch them go out to bars, etc etc, and sometimes I do miss that life.

BUT I also absolutely adore my Fiance and can’t even for  a minute imagine my life without him. I honestly feel like the luckiest girl in the world that he actually wants to marry me.

And THAT is how you should feel….you are about to marry the man you want to  be with forever! And if you don’t think he’s it, then you need to stop now. The longer you wait, the harder it will be, and the more difficult for everyone to understand….24 may be young to get married, but it’s also awfully young to already have a divorce.

Post # 16
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I remember my Mom joking with me a few weeks before I got married that if I needed to, I could walk down the aisle and say no. She gets along great with my husband and it wasn’t that she was unsupportive of me getting married.

 

It was just her way of being my Mom and trying to show her unconditional love before “letting me go.” And I truly believe if I had said right then that I didn’t want to get married, it would have been okay. The sun would have come up the next day, my parents would still love me, life would go on, the world would not end.  

 

I said yes, and have been happily married for a year.

 

I’m not saying you shouldn’t get married. Maybe you should, maybe you shouldn’t, and maybe you just need more time to figure it out. But if are really in a place where you feel like you must get married, confide in someone you trust. I think you’ll find more support than you think. I truly hope so.

 

And if you do get married, don’t do it until you can tell yourself you could have said no, but chose to say yes.

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