(Closed) I don’t think I can live with these people…

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Ugh, I feel for you. I agree, I dont think I could stay with someone who so blatantly disregards my feelings. Whether he thinks he is or not, doesn’t matter. I would tell him straight up that you cannot have a relationship with them until they change! I think its crazy and makes no sense that he still wants a relationship with them UNTIL they change. Doesn’t he realize that as long as he keeps going on like nothing happened, they will as well??? You Really need to have a serious discussion with him, and let him know that you are thinking of ending your relationship. You need to come first in his life, not his parents

Post # 4
Member
4109 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I’ve kept up with your posts & agree that they were out of line.

However, they are his parents! You don’t get to pick & choose his family- you marry him, you marry his effed up family too. I’d try to be the bigger person & reconcile if I were you. Otherwise, if you forbid his parents from him, regardless of what they’ve done, he’ll up hating you eventually because YOU’ll be the one who tore the family apart.

Just my .02, I wish you luck girl!

Post # 5
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

@CaptainSpaulding: I agree. 

You can’t force him to stop speaking to his parents. I think you have to make a decision here. When you marry your Fiance, you’re marrying into his family. If you don’t think you’ll be able to handle that for the rest of your life, then maybe you aren’t meant to get married…

Post # 6
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@CaptainSpaulding:

@2PeasinaPod:

so you are basically saying that just because someone is family, you should put up with whatever they do? I don’t agree, but to each their own. I think that any person deserves respect, especially from family, and if they don’t get it, then they don’t deserve to be a part of your life. At this point, the Fiance needs to either stand his ground with his family and make it clear that he will not tolerate the way they treat her, or tell her he stands by them, and then its her decision what she does next. Family does not = being treated like a piece of shit

Post # 7
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@CaptainSpaulding:

@2PeasinaPod:

I disagree – the fact that he is still speaking with his family despite what they have done seems like a slap in the face to me. My dad’s family treated my mother and i horribly, and you know what? He stopped speaking to them, never just said, “Well guys, sorry they’re terrible to you but they’re my parents”. Because once you are married, your main family unit is the one you create with your spouse, not your parents.

I don’t think I would marry him either, OP. I’m sorry =(

Post # 8
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@Wonderstruck: The same thing happened to my dad. His parents treated my mom horribly, and because of that, he stopped speaking to them, and they never saw us again. Its been over 20 years, and he never regretted his decision to stay with the family he created with my mom.

Post # 9
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

i dont you should come between him and his family. They are his family no matter what. Even if he stops speaking to them that wont change the fact they are his family and he cant avoid them forever. Pushing him to do so will only make him resent you for it in the long run.

Post # 10
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

@MrsSl82be:

@Wonderstruck:

I think you misunderstood me. I’m not saying that the way his parents are treating her is acceptable at all. My mom is a very toxic influence on me and my relationship with my husband. What I am saying is that it’s not as easy as just not talking to your family any longer. I can’t cut ties with my mom…there’s just not a way for me to be able to do that, and my husband understands that. He chose to stay with me and stick it through. We know how to handle my mom and we have my siblings to help us out when things get tough.

I’m not saying that she has to stay and put up with it. I’m also not saying that he shouldn’t be able to stand up to his parents for her. But if he’s not willing to do that, she has a choice. She either stays and deals with it for the rest of her life, or she walks. None of us can make that decision for her. I’m putting it out there from the other point of view. It’s not as easy as just cutting these people out of your life. I couldn’t do that with my family, and my husband made the choice to stand by my side. That may not be the right choice for her…but she certainly can’t force him to cut ties with his parents if he’s not ready to. 

Post # 11
Member
4109 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@MrsSl82be:

@Wonderstruck:

From what I gather (could be wrong), the inlaws don’t live close, so I’m not telling the OP to start having weekly salon dates with the Future Mother-In-Law or anything. I’m saying TALK to them, at least reconcile enough to make family visits, holidays, etc. civil between everyone. Don’t forbid him from speaking to his own parents & don’t make him choose- that’s just controlling & unhealthy.

It doesn’t have to be this dramatic- there’s always the rest of your lives to work out family differences…

Post # 12
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@2PeasinaPod: oh ok, gotcha. But, for some people, it is easy to cut them out of your life, if you are at that point.  But I can see for some people, its not, depending on the family dynamic. I think if this was my situation, I would tell him he has to make a choice, either stand his ground united with her, or with his family. Then she needs to make a decision accordingly.

Post # 13
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

@MrsSl82be: With this I totally agree. If he’s not willing to cut ties on his own, then that’s when she needs to make a decision. I think when you force someone to cut ties with their family, that’s when resentment kicks in later.

But, I also have to say that if he makes his decision to keep talking to his parents, and she decides to stay with him, they have to come up with an agreement on what is acceptable vs. what isn’t. My husband and I have things like this in place, and he knows how to handle my mom without making things far worse on me. Have I mentioned how fantastic my husband is and how much I love him for putting up with my mom??

EDIT: There’s also a big difference in what the OP is going through and what I go through…I’m the one who takes the brunt of my mom while it seems as if she’s the one who takes the brunt of things from her in-laws. My husband doesn’t get treated badly…it’s me and my own mother. 

Post # 14
Member
1473 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

MisssPumkinBarry: Have you tried talking to his parents yourself? Sitting them down and telling them how you feel, to their face not on the phone? I think that in this situation, you almost need to be the bigger person and do this. The liklihood of them apologizing at this point is very slim. I realize that you have had enough but like other bees have said, you cannot pick and choose you FI’s fmaily. When you marry him, you marry his family.

I’m not saying how they treated you was right, but to ask your Fiance to cut off ALL TIES WITH HIS FAMILY is a lot to ask. If he does eventually do that, he will begin to resent you because you broke his family apart. In my honest opinion, I could never ask someone to do that for me. Family is family even if they are effed up. You can’t replace that. So maybe just take a breath and TALK TO THEM. It seems like your Fiance is caught in the middle and you aren’t helping the situation by doing exactely what his parents are doing to you. Two wrongs don’t make a right.

Again, I’m not saying what they did was okay. But people aren’t perfect and it sounds as though his parents are far from it. You DO have a choice though. Talk to his parents and be honest with them. Don’t have your Fiance relay this message, you need to. Or leave him. Like I said, you marry him you marry his family.

I wish you all the best.

 

Post # 15
Member
1473 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

And I spelled pumpkin in your name wrong…sorry!!

Post # 16
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@2PeasinaPod:

@CaptainSpaulding:

@bells:

I don’t think she should force him to cut ties with his family – but I do think that at the very least he should be cutting back on his amount of contact with them considering how horrible they are to her, and when they bring up visiting he should let them know that under no circumstances are they welcome in the home he shares with his Fiance while they are treating her with such disrespect. The fact that he is continuing his relationship with them as if nothing is wrong or has changes is extremely disrespectful of the OP.

And sometimes it IS as simple as not speaking to your family anymore when they choose to treat your loved ones terribly – 2peasinapod, it sounds like your situation is a bit different, but when the partner and/or childrne is the one being treated badly I see it differently. Like I said in my last post, my dad has done it. And I don’t know about avoiding them forever, bells, but so far it has been ten years, and he doesn’t regret it for a second – it was their own cruelness that forced him to make the decision to not speak to them, and my mom and I never had to ask him to do it, he simply saw that it was the right thing to do considering the situation.

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