(Closed) I don't think I can wait any longer

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

Have you told him exactly how you feel? Like using the exact words you use.

*Hugs* crappy situation.

I suppose last ditch effort you could issue an ultimatum, but you need to stick to your guns.

Post # 4
Member
6215 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

okay- you need to take a step back. Maybe you should read your post out loud to yourself. I get that you want a wedding, but what’s really more important? Do you really want to marry this man for the marriage, or do you want a wedding ASAP? It’s not about the wedding, and really in the grand scheme of things, how much more is a couple of months? Are you expecting someone else who will marry you right away?

You haven’t even been together three years yet. This is a normal time to be thinking about getting married, but I’m sure he doesn’t see the need to do it RIGHT NOW. I don’t see what the rush is, when it sounds like it will definitely be happening within a year, and it looks like he has every intention of marrying you. Be patient. It’s not like you’re 35 and worried about being able to have kids if you wait any longer.

ETA I saw nowhere in here how leaving him will devastate you because you want a future with him so badly and love him so much. Maybe leaving him is the right decision for both of you, and he can find someone who wants a relationship more than a wedding

Post # 5
Member
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Before you make any rash decisions, I would have at least one more conversation with the guy. Tell him that you were looking forward to an engagement this year, and if he is against this year (2012), if he was thinking more along the lines of 2013, because you want to start moving ahead with your relationship. Tell him that nothing will ever be “perfect,” and you feel as though him making a comment like that is more of an excuse to get out of getting engaged. 

You know what you want. If he is unwilling to give you some sort of reasonable time frame, then it’s probably time to reevaluate your relationship. You both control your future, and communication with him will help to make you feel like you’re on equal ground. If he says late 2013 and you say late 2012, there is compromise opportunities — and you just need to have the conversation with him and see what you can do before you decide to throw away three years.

Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
1019 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@MeiFrancis:  +1, I think you need to take a step back and relax a little.

While I completely understand really wanting to get married and have a wedding, I think if you were really READY to get married (in the sense of maturity or having found the man you want to spend the rest of your life with) a few more months wouldn’t be a deal breaker.
If I were you I would think long and hard about whether this is your forever man, or if you just want a wedding. You’re only 25, there is no need to rush, and if he wants it to be a perfect proposal he should have that right, and shouldn’t be nagged at for taking his time to give you a proposal he feels you deserve. He may also just not want to steal his cousin’s thunder.

give the guy a break.

Post # 7
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Please talk to him before you start packing your bags. He may already have a ring. He may be planning what he considers to be a proposal you deserve.

I understand how you are feeling. I’ve thought about throwing in the towel a million times because I still don’t have a ring yet. Just trust he is planning something wonderful.

Post # 8
Member
9201 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

If you’d rather leave him and have a wedding/marriage with someone else, than stay with him knowing he wants to marry you soonish but not right now, perhaps it’s best to leave.  From my perspective, before my engagement, I was getting pretty antsy – but the thought of leaving never crossed my mind because we are madly in love and I cannot possibly imagine anyone better.  My 2 cents are that you should feel that way about whomever you want to marry and spend your life with…

I do think you owe him a conversation about the fact that you’re seriously considering/planning to leave (unless you already have, but it didn’t sound like it from your post).

Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@MeiFrancis:  I agree.  I think you need to sit down and decide if you want a wedding or a marriage.  If you want a wedding, then leave this guy to find another who will marry you asap.  If you want a marriage and this is the right guy for you, then you both need to invest the effort it takes to make the relationship successful.

ETA: to be honest, I’m not quite sure why you’d throw in the towel right now anyway.  He told you by the end of this year and we still have plenty of time left in the year.  Hell, he might be planning a new year’s eve proposal, and you’re about to throw it away.  As of right now, he’s still well within his timeline that he’s given you.

Post # 10
Member
663 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - Vegas Wedings

Dont pack your bags. I would remind him that he said this year and thats what you expect. Drop something along the lines of,” It isnt fair or honest to say this year and then not follow through.”

I can relate to the resentment. I wont get into my waiting period but there were a few months where I was pretty unhappy with the way the future looked. I was sick and tired of his lack of what I saw as motivation. In hindsight I think he was too comfortable and couldn’t relate to my need to have that level of commitment; he saw himself as already committed and knew I was also. I needed a physical symbol and an actual proposal to be sure that we were on the same page…. not everyone is like me but it was what it was. 

Also, he has MORE than enough time to buy a ring and propose by the end of December. He may get one out of a catalog, from a jewelry store, estate store or even pawn shop, not to mention the hundreds of reputable stores on sites like eBay and Ruby Lane.

Post # 11
Member
3830 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would try and calmly explain to him how you have been feeling. That he has told you he wants to move forward but him not taking any action is making you think he is just saying what he thinks you want to hear. That you want to move forward and its important to you. 

He still has until the end of the year. If by 2013 he has not proposed then you have the right to go to him and say “You told me we would move forward in 2012, that did not happen and i’m very hurt and contemplating whether we want the same things or not”. 

Good luck. 

Post # 12
Member
1402 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

He obviously loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you.  He even told you he wanted things to be “perfect.”  If it’s bothering you this much you need to sit down and talk to him and let him know how you feel.  No good can come of packing your bags.  You will both harbor resentment towards each other if you do this.  Talk to him!

Post # 13
Member
1448 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@MadameTussaud:  If he was the right guy for her and really believed that his commitment to her was important, he would have proposed already.

She’s young.  She has enough time to find someone who really does want her in his life, as opposed to someone who just likes playing house.  I’d personally wait until the beginning of 2013 unless there’s some other conflict that propels her to move out, but it sounds doubtful that he’s even thinking about proposing.

Post # 14
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee

Woah woah woah – definitely calm down. Guys see things in completely different lights to girls. Me and my Fiance decided on a date and 5 months later he still hadn’t LOOKED at rings!

The more he did it, the more he told me how stressed out it was that the ball wasn’t in his court anymore. I reminded him that it would have been if he had acted sooner but that didn’t help.

But he needed my help and guidance. Of course he wanted this as much as me, but he just lacked motivation because, hello – he’s a guy and marriage isn’t as high up on the list for some of them than it is for the girl.

With a little push, buying the stone, looking at settings, choosing a ring etc – he finally started to get excited about it. Once i left the last bit to him he got crazy excited and wished he’d done it sooner.

Packing your bags could send the wrong message. For some, it may work. But for others they may think ‘if it’s so easy for her to leave then why should i try and make a lifelong commitment to her?’

Talk – don’t walk.

ETA: just going to post my timeline to put it into perspective.

Got together May 2008 – moved in July 2009. Talked about marriage in 2010. Talked about marriage again in 2011. Told I’d be engaged before Sept 2012. Friend engaged Dec 2011 – leads to deciding on a date in Feb 2012 (long story). he did NOTHING until August 2012 (cue lots of crying) and he tells me it won’t be before Sept 2012. Proposed Oct 2012. 4 and a half years and I’m 26. Believe me, I’ve been there.

Post # 15
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@winterwhite:  Calm down! He’s already told you he wants to marry you, he’s said he wants kids by the time he’s 30, he’s 27 now relax you’re only 25 you have your whole life to go still. He will ask when the time is right. 

How can you go from wanting to marry this man to wanting to leave him because he hasn’t put a ring on your finger yet? That isn’t love, love isn’t conditional on a piece of metal.

If you’re this willing to just up and leave then you never actually loved him.  It’s good you won’t be marrying this man, because it surely wouldn’t have worked out if you can’t even have the patience to let him do his thing when he’s ready.

I could understand leaving if he was now telling you he doesn’t think he wants to get married, or if he said he’s still having doubts about your relationship, after 3 years there shouldn’t be any doubts. 

He’s not saying that, he’s telling you he wants to marry you but wants everything to be perfect for when he proposes. 

Post # 16
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Anise:  Considering he keeps telling her he wants it to be perfect, do you think she should walk away when he could be planning a big proposal ordeal?  Like I said, he might want to propose at midnight on new year’s eve at some huge event, which might take several months of planning.  Waiting to get that perfected doesn’t mean he loves her any less… quite the contrary in my opinion.

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