(Closed) I don't think I can wait any longer

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 107
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I tend to agree that I think he probably has it in the works and that maybe your rushing things a bit. I think if you have a frank and open discussion and he honestly tells you never then you should leave. If it is in the works for 2013 I think leaving is kind of silly but I agree that if this is very important to you he does need to realize that he must tell you his timeline. If he doesn’t follow through with it then perhaps you should move on.

I’m not going to tell you whether getting married or not is important of an issue to break up a relationship but I don’t think you should have to give up an important goal or want in your life just because your SO doesn’t deem it important. I don’t care whether I get married or not but I do care if we have children or not, or if we travel or not, to me those are things in my life that are important to ME and I would resent anyone for taking those experiances away from me.

 

Post # 108
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

please let us know what you decide to do after your talk. good luck 🙂

Post # 109
Member
203 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m with these ladies 

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@lilarose: and 
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@Mrsluckywife.  SO and I have been together for 6 years and still aren’t engaged.  Really 3 years isn’t that long, and its about the love, not the ring.

Post # 110
Member
2440 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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@doberman:  Ditto.

 

OP- I think you know better than anyone else whether or not you have been properly communicating with your Fi, and what his stance is. If you feel like he’s just stringing you along at this point, no one has the right to tell you to just deal with it. From the sound of it, you’re just trying to do what you feel is best for yourself and I hope more women will applaud you for it.

 

It’s your life. You’re trying your best to talk to him about your expectations and your feelings. No one has the right to tell you that you’re being selfish just because you know what you want for yourself.

 

Wishing you and your boyfriend all the best, and future happiness (together or apart)

Post # 111
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I understand your grief.  My now-fiance is 27 and I’m 24 years old but we have been dating almost 4 years before he proposed.  I do agree that you may be rushing things  a bit but I do sympathize with you since you’ve put so much effort in the relationship..buying a house together, a dog, etc.  However, if you nag and push it THAT much to the guy, I promise it will only push him away.  My fiance has never been good at surprises either but he surprised me by giving me a proposal I could never dream of and it took him MONTHS to plan it out.  Just be patient.

 

Post # 112
Member
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@Asia:  +1

Post # 113
Member
2440 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

ps- I waited 4.5 years for my boyfriend to propose (2 of those were after we agreed we probably wanted to marry each other) and would have waited longer. I understand Bee’s who waited longer than the OP might not be able to relate to how she feels or is handling things, but remember that her boyfriend is not the same person as your fiance, and she is not the same as you. It’s all relative. Don’t project your relationship ( whether its happy, unhappy, complicated, or anything else) onto hers. Different strokes for different strokes, right?

 

Though I do think everyone is honestly giving their opinions and sharing their feelings, and I find that wonderful. 🙂

Post # 114
Member
340 posts
Helper bee

First off, there are some people here that are downright mean. We don’t know your whole situation, but clearly you are at your wits end. He isn’t giving you what you need. He promised and isn’t delivering.

PLEASE wait until the end of the year to move out. If you want, have a talk tonight telling him how you feel and that if he breaks his promise you won’t trust his word, but he said till the end of the year and if he breaks his promise you need to leave then, but not now.

I know how you feel, waiting is so terrible. When you love someone you should want to put a ring on it. And after a year you know. Also, another thing (like I) you actually treasure marriage and view it as a end goal. I have always wanted to be a wife to a husband I love and take it very seriously. It probably feels like you are playing house and going through the motions just waisting time, which is how I feel. Also, relationships aren’t as legit without marriage. You have a house together so it should be easy for him to propose bc that is a 30 year long committment. He need to quit stalling at 3 years he should know and after a house he should propose. I hope he does by the end of the year or he will be missing out.

Post # 115
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I apologize that I haven’t read all the posts before posting my reply so if what I’m saying has already been said then disregard my post.

It’s water under the bridge now, but it sounds like the two of you discussed the order how things were going to be done – buy a house, buy a dog, get a ring.  You agreed to that, didn’t you?  Did he force that order on you?  If he did not and you agreed to it, then you need to be patient.  Personally, I would not have agreed to that order but that’s just me.  I would have never bought a house with someone without the commitment of marriage, or impending marriage.  I realize a lot of ladies do it; again this is my feelings and if you didn’t like that order you should have said something before you bought the house.

That being said, buying a house is not only financially (even if you put more of the down payment down) but EMOTIONALLY a huge commitment.  Maybe he got the house and the dog and said WOAH.  Maybe he needed to take a step back and realize this is really happening. 

He never should have given you a time frame (but I know a lot of guys that did) because in a woman’s mind, she will absolutely stick to that time frame but to a guy, “end of 2012” means maybe end of 2012, or early 2013.  If he had given you a time frame of “sometime in 2013” would you still be upset and consider leaving?

I don’t know enough from your post to tell if he truly is stringing you along and just wants to play house, or if he really wants to marry you.  I understand you’ve had enough but in all fairness I think you need to play this out until at least the end of the year.

I wish you well in your conversation tonight.

Post # 116
Member
1935 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Wow… I normally don’t comment on threads like this, but I had to say something. OP – I totally, completely, and wholly feel for you. I understand the disappointment surrounding having a deadline extended, and extended, and extended…

But, this is the man you love. You owe it to him (and yourself) to have a level-headed, adult conversation about where this is going. I do not believe in deadlines, ultimatums, or other demands for committment. However, it’s totally reasonable to bring this up. That being said, it’s only November, so do give him until the end of the year (like you said you would) and then have this conversation. Who knows? You might be stressing yourself out over nothing!

And I know you said he can’t keep a secret, but girl, this is the biggest moment of his life so far! Take a deep breath, remind yourself of all the wonderful reasons you love him (in one of your previous posts), and try to keep busy. Building all this resentment is exhasuting, and it can give you premature wrinkles (lol.)

I’m sending hugs your way… this man loves you, remember that.

Post # 118
Member
771 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@winterwhite:  Damn, some of these girls are MEAN!  However, I see both sides of this argument.  OP, I understand your frustration, you may fear you’re being strung along.  However, I think once you’ve made the commitment to purchasing a home together, raising a pet, etc, throwing in the towel just yet is unwarranted.

For what it’s worth, I was 25 when I got engaged and married.  I had been with my husband for 8 years.  Long time.  I knew it was coming… eventually.  I trusted him to make it happen.  I trusted he wanted it as much as I did.  And I waited.  We bought a house, had a puppy, the whole nine.  He finally did propose and for me, it was totally worth the wait.

In your situation, I can’t help but feel that maybe he doesn’t fully understand the emotional toll this is taking on you.  You said you’ve talked about it alot.  But have you really communicated how this is making you feel, the fear you have, the desire to take it the next level and why.  Furthermore, have you asked him his feelings.  It seems to me the content of these conversations have been… YOU:  “When?”  HIM:  “Soon.”  And that’s it?  Maybe I’m wrong, this is just what I’ve gathered from your post.

Before packing your bags and moving out and ending what’s otherwse a great relationship, TALK TO HIM.  And I mean REALLY talk!  And not just about the timeline and who should propose and how he intends to make it special.  Talk about marriage, what that commitment means to you and him.  And talk to him about your current feelings… “We’ve talked about engagement and you told me by X date.  I fear it’s not going to happen.  If it’s not, I fear you are stringing me along and if that’s the case, I need to re-evaluate this relationship.”

Final thing… Do you really need a ring to be considered “engaged”?  To me the ring and the proposal are kind of peripheral…

Post # 119
Member
3967 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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@winterwhite:  Whatever you do, I would talk to him. He MAY have a plan, he may not. But this way you give him the benefit of the doubt, a last chance, before you leave the relationship. That’s what I would do, anyway, so he’s not blindsided. Because in his head, he could be working on a plan, or he might not have the same urgency as you do, either way, he should know how you feel and that you’d be serious about leaving over it.

Post # 121
Member
663 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - Vegas Wedings

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@drummerbride:  Funny, I was reading a different thread and saw that you wrote the following:

Member

1,870 posts

Buzzing bee

drummerbride (message)    October 19, 2013   Winnipeg

I have a basic personal timeline of 2 years for a relationship. If in that time we are not yet sure we plan to marry, then it would be over. If in that time we had been discussing marriage throughout and I knew it was only a matter of when he proposed, but not if, then I would have waited it out.

My Fiance didn’t make me wait. He proposed shortly after a year and a half together.  Even before he proposed we were constantly discussing marriage and kids, not in a maybe one day way, but in a when we get married, when we have kids way. So even if he hadn’t proposed by the 2 year mark, I would have known it was coming and been patient.

We did not create a timeline together saying we want us to be married by this time. He did make it clear he wanted to have kids before he was 40 though, so he never would have made me wait too long. (he’s 35 now). We did however, discuss a timeline between marriage and kids, and agreed to a length of time before we start TTC.

I don’t believe in ultimatums, but I do believe in a personal timeline of how long you are willing to wait without marriage being an on the table future plan together. I think after 2 years, if you aren’t already sure about the person, then you’re with the wrong person.

So I have to ask, if you wanted to wait 7 more years to have children what would your Fiance say? If he had waited another year and there was no talk of a definite future would you have left?

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