(Closed) I don't think I should have kids :-(

posted 6 years ago in TTC
Post # 3
Member
9917 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

There are ways to maintain your life and have a child.  You need to be firm with your husband that you want to have a life and a career, and that those things are important to you.  Make sure he will help out with the baby as well.  

 

Post # 4
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@starrynight:  Communicate these feelings with your husband. He can’t possibly understand how you feel about what you’ve given up for him unless you tell him how you perceive things. 

I’d also ask him why all of a sudden he wants children, knowing you were not on board with it when he met you. Perhaps throw some counseling into the mix to help mediate the discussions.

Please, don’t call yourself selfish. Not having children or not wanting children does NOT make you selfish. It just means that you’ve decided a different path for yourself. Plenty of women have children for the wrong reasons, and are thusly selfish. Don’t own that adjective simply because you are leaning towards a child-free lifestyle. 

Post # 5
Member
9688 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@starrynight:  If you don’t want to be a mother, please don’t.  But you don’t have to stay home or limit your life for 18 years, I’m a mother and I certainly didn’t do that.  I stayed home with him until he was four years old and went to preschool.  It was very worth it to me, but not everyone is cut out to be a parent.  It doesn’t mean you’re selfish.

Post # 6
Member
717 posts
Busy bee

i don’t know if this is brilliant but you’re aware clearly that parenthood is a huge committment.  and if you already feel like you’re losing your identity, that will only seem worse when your entire existence is centered on this dependent baby.  you were upfront about your views on children and for him to push it now isn’t fair.  you both have to be committed to this.  you don’t want resentment to fester down the road.

Post # 7
Member
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

You won’t have to stay home for the next 18 years. Parenthood is what you make it, not what you think it’s supposed to be based on what everyone else does.

I don’t know. I don’t have a ton of encouragement because in a lot of ways I agree with you. I also feel like the lion’s share of the parenting usually falls to the mother, even if she is also working. It’s a lot of work!

Only you know if it’s right and if you’re ready.

Post # 8
Member
717 posts
Busy bee

this was a postcard on Postsecret a few weeks ago:

 

 

you are not selfish! *hugs*

Post # 10
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

It seems a bit harsh that he has changed his mind and is pressuring you into children. Do YOU want children? If you dont want them yet, Maybe you could compromise and start trying in a year or two, rather than dismiss the idea entirely.

Not wanting kids isn’t a selfish act, I’m not keen either, but my fiancé feels the same as me. He can’t expect you to change your mind just because he has changed his. You should not feel any guilt for sticking to your guns, you told him your feelings before you married, so he knew how the land lay. 

I have known of instances where couples have split over such different views, hopefully it won’tcome to that though. If he really wants children and is totally adamant, you have to ask yourself whether keeping your man means you having children or potentially losing him if you really don’t want them.

Once a baby is born, that’s it. No returns policy. I feel for you, I really do. Good luckwith your decision

Post # 11
Member
717 posts
Busy bee

you feeling that you are losing your identity doesn’t mean you love him less, it means you love yourself and need to take care of yourself too

Post # 12
Member
9917 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

@starrynight:  Can you afford good child care?  

 

I am not a parent, but I think women find a lot of fulfillment in their children.  Having them is not necessarily giving something up but gaining something in lieu of something else.  Do you have some years to decide?

Post # 14
Member
717 posts
Busy bee

well if he wants kids more than he wants to be with you, that’s a dealbreaker.  you’re not a baby factory.  and he knew how you felt before all this so why the ultimatum now?  i’m so sorry you’ve being pressured about this

Post # 15
Member
746 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

That’s a very difficult and personal decision, I can see why you’re struggling with it! Is your job a career or a job? Would you be able to have a different job in your profession if you had a baby, like a part time position? I know that my mom felt like she lost her identity because of having children and she really regrets not working part time.

Would your husband be willing to stay home with the baby at all? 

Post # 16
Member
9917 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

If you don’t want kids, you don’t want kids.  If you are on the fence, I’d say compromise.  But if you’re sure, then you need to figure out a way for him to understand that.  @lolaswann: is right.

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