Post # 1
I was very excited for Fiance to propose and for us to take this next step together. I have no doubt he is the one for me. I’m excited to be his wife and share our lives together.
But I don’t want a wedding.
We’ve been engaged for three months and had planned on a 15 month engagement. I was really excited about planning until the families got involved. His family isn’t a big part of our lives because they live across the country. My family isn’t a big part of our lives because they’re toxic. But weddings are about family, right?
Even thinking about planning and having the wedding gives me quite a bit of anxiety. Thinking about saying our vows calms the anxiety. I’ve always wanted to elope but Fiance wants a wedding.
I’ve put off wedding talk since the trip to see his family nearly a month ago. I don’t know what the solution is. I don’t think I want a wedding, small or large, in my hometown or his. I want to elope but he doesn’t like the idea.
I don’t know what I’m looking for by posting this. I just really needed to get it off my chest. Have any of you experienced these sort of feelings?
Post # 3
I feel the same way. The only reason I don’t INSIST on eloping is because it does make me sad to think about my parents and grandparents being sad and disappointed to not be at/have a wedding.
Honestly, I think the best way to avoid going crazy thinking about/planning a wedding is to remember that weddings are for everyone else (I know some bees will disagree, but this is just my honest opinion). If you keep this in mind, it’s also easier to not go bridezilla on anything except maybe the dress 🙂
Post # 4
How about a quiet little destination wedding?
Post # 5
Do you know what part exactly of a wedding is important to him? Sitting together and discussing what’s important for each of you will help you compromise and make it a day you both want.
As for the families…
When we did our guestlist, my husband didn’t include anyone in his family except for his mother, father and sister; while I invited everyone in mine. His family doesn’t get along, and he said he didn’t want to think about that even for a minute while planning the celebration of our union. Plus we only see them at Christmas (not even all of them because they don’t do Christmas all together; the grandmother has to have two parties, one for each side of the quarrel).
My family is not a big part of our lives, but I still invited them because it meant a lot to them. No one except my parents attended – having a Destination Wedding had a big role to play in their decision.
We have yet to see his family, but we haven’t heard anything bad about not inviting anyone.
So I guess what I’m saying is, if your family is toxic and you don’t want them with you on that day, you don’t have to invite them, especially if they aren’t in your life. And that doesn’t mean your Fiance can’t invite his family..
Post # 6
He wants his family there, which is why it’s going to be in his hometown.
It really bothers me that everyone is shoving advice and ideas down my throat and pushing their way into the planning. His sister wants to “surprise” me. She “surprised” her sister by having some people change into suggestive outfits for the dollar dance, making it more like a prosititute being paid than a fun and innocent dollar dance.
It’s not as simple as “don’t invite them”. Even though I choose not to communicate with certain relatives doesn’t mean that my parents choose to not communicate also. My mom is begging me to put the relatives on the guestlist and it’s making me ill just thinking about writing out an invitation with their names on it.
The one aunt I don’t want to invite actually grabbed me by the arm and yanked me towards her as I tried to walk away from her when she was drunk and yelling at me. But she’s married to my favorite uncle and the mother of my cousins, who I would like to be there.
It’s just overwhelming, I don’t feel as though there is any right answer. I just want to make my vows to my fiance and live happily ever after.
Post # 7
I understand how you feel. Fortunately for me, my Darling Husband was on board with a Destination Wedding which allowed us to have the private ceremony we wanted.
There is not much to do other than sit with your fiance and explain to him how you feel and come up with the solution together as a team. While you want different things now, the end result should be good for both of you.
It sounds like his hometown isn’t very close to where your family lives. Is there any chance that the people who you have difficulties with would not go for your wedding if it’s far?
Post # 8
@youhavemyheart: I’m eloping, because personally I feel like a wedding is about the couple. Yes family is important but this day is about the two of you.
Post # 9
I had a coworker who really didn’t want a wedding, but her husband insisted. She finally agreed, but the compromise was that they had to leave on a 10 day honeymoon immediately after. She said it got her through the planning.
Wedding planning gave me a LOT of anxiety at first too, but I knew I wanted my family and friends present, so that kept me going. I know how you feel, and it’s hard being engaged and not being excited about planning when it seems like every other bride-to-be is thrilled to be planning her wedding day. Have the two of you considered a destination wedding? That would cut down on the guest list and the amount of planning you would have to do.
Post # 10
My friend and her husband decided to elope, and then have a hometown reception a few weeks later. It allowed her to really enjoy her actual wedding day without any stress, but then celebrate with family afterwards. It was a compromise but ended up really working for them.
Post # 11
*hugs* I feel the same way you do, hun. Like someone said above, have you thought of a small destination wedding?
Post # 12
I wanted to elope too, mainly b/c I have major anxiety about being in front of a crowd. My hubby wanted the wedding, he wanted it to be huge with all of our friends and family. We compromised. We had a small (30 person ceremony and 90 people at the reception) local wedding. It was very casual, and all of this made me a lot less stressed and anxious!
Post # 13
what about a small wedding soon? Maybe at Christmas or a holiday where lots of people would be gathered anyway? You’d only have to invite family and it could be small, informal at a restaurant or something and that way you wouldn’t have to stress about it for 15 months!
Post # 14
Fiance talked me out of Vegas 4 or 5 times in the last year… or well, he didn’t talk me OUT of it, but just delayed me saying it again for a while… until it was too late to do that because we’d be out so much money in deposits… I’m a big fan of elopements at this point because the planning has been such a nightmare (family related)… BUT I know that this Saturday, all that won’t matter, because I’ll be marrying my best friend!
Post # 15
I cna totally relate. I spent the entire engagement not really wanting a wedding. Nothing hugely stressful happened, nothing went terribly wrong along the way…I just didn’t want a wedding. But our families did, and everyone insisted I’d regret it if we didn’t, so I bucked up & did it.
Oh sure we had a blast, it was mostly stressfree, things went off without a hitch, we even managed to come in WAAAY under budget…but looking back a still regret it. I just never wanted a wedding. If I had it to do over again, I would have put my foot down. I wish we would have had a small just-the-2-of-us ceremony while on our honeymoon in Australia. We could have had a BBQ or something casual & fun after to celebrate with our families, or we could have just taken our parents & siblings to dinner one night.
My advise is, if you truly genuinely DON’T want a wedding – don’t do it. It could be wonderful and a good time, but if it’s not important to you it will only ever feel like a big waste of time & energy.
Post # 16
Oh you and I are twins!
I wanted JOP just the two of us. We are doing it with our parents and a pastor. Okay, that’s not a big wedding, but it did mean making thing smore weddingish–I have a dress. We have a photographer. I’m gettign hair and makeup done. And every step of the way, I got anxious. I had meltdowns buying my dress. Freaked out about which restaurant to choose b/c my parents want to celebrate. I feel you.
But in the end, this is one of those things that you might have to compromise *a little* on because hey, it’s his wedding too. I think that you need to articulate in specific terms, why you don’t want a wedding in the same way that HE needs to articulate exaclty why he wants a wedding because that’s how you find a happy medium. So exactly why don’t you want a wedding?