(Closed) I don't think I want kids….

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 16
Member
404 posts
Helper bee

I truly feel for you, but if there is one thing to end a marriage over, it is not agreeing on this point. Neither of you is wrong and both of you deserve to have what you want/need. I know it seems like an impossible situation, but mostly because it is! We are CFBC and I would never advocate for someone to have a baby unless they were entirely sure and ecstatic about it. I’ve always known that I’m not nor will I ever be excited about having a child, but on the flip side of that I know there are some people who know they were always meant to be a parent and those feelings don’t change either.
Be honest with yourself about what you want. I know you can’t imagine ending your marriage over this, but sadly, it will happen anyways if either you or your husband feel locked into a life decision that is not truly your choice or desire. I really wish you the best and hope you find your peace.

Post # 17
Member
3682 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

View original reply
catskillsinjune :  it’s not a matter of “siding” with anyone… as OP described it, it was a mutual agreement that there would be kids in the future.  The husband was clear from the beginning that he wanted children and OP assumed that she’d have a family with him.  Similarly, in my marriage, I was very clear with my ex-husband that he needed to continue to address his mental health issues, and he was very clear that he would.  Well when he up and stopped taking his meds and dealing with his shit for years on end, IMO he was breaking our agreed-upon contract. 

I get that some people will stay in a marriage forever no matter what, but if someone backs out of the agreement upon which you got married, it’s a legit reason to nullify that marriage.  That doesn’t mean it doesn’t SUCK and is terribly horribly hard and painful for all involved.

Post # 18
Member
1167 posts
Bumble bee

Hi bee,

I have to second KittyYogi.  I’m also pregnant with my first and the idea of being responsible for a life is very daunting.  That coupled with the idea of my body changing, no alone time, the inability to just go on vacation, the difficulty of just simply giong out to dinner is enough to make even the most well-adjusted woman go nuts.  It really is normal to feel that way.  

Post # 19
Member
115 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I think that your husband thinking about divorce is reasonable, and he has every right to end the marriage if you two can’t agree on having children. You need to take some time to think about what you really want and let him know. Don’t string him along. It will obviously be painful for the both of you but you both need to decide on a course of action. 

Post # 20
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: May 2015

As someone who has kids, I definitely echo what most bees say – don’t have a kid unless you really want to. It’s a wonderful yet very very draining and lifechanging event in both a positive and negative sense. And the only way the sacrifices and tough days are worth it is when we remind ourselves this is what we signed up for.

 I do have to agree with your husband. My husband and I had this conversation before we got engaged and I point blank told him that if he did not want kids or wasn’t crazy about the idea, we should part ways because starting a family was that important to me. If you truly do not want children and he does, it’s only fair you sit down and gave a long talk with him and decide what would be in both your best interests before it builds resentment. Good luck!

Post # 21
Member
3117 posts
Sugar bee

It’s a tough situation, and only you can decide if you genuinely want kids or not.  My advice is to view the situation through the lens of “Do I want children?” and not “Should I have kids to keep my husband?”.  

The other thing I’ll point out is that given traditional dynamics, not only are you the one who would be carrying the baby, assuming the health risks of pregnancy and the toll it takes on your body, you are also most likely the one who would be taking impact to your career and doing the majority of the caretaking/parenting.   It’s okay to decide this isn’t something you want.

Post # 22
Member
2886 posts
Sugar bee

I think you know that you don’t want children. Your husband knows, and has always known, that he does want children. I think you tried to compromise to keep him. You truly considered having a child to keep your marriage, and all you did was panic. You probably also felt frustrated, angry, and trapped, like we all do when faced with doing something we utterly don’t want to do.

I have a couple friend that had a similar but slightly different dilemma. The guy didn’t want kids. Never did. He always said he was “too selfish” for kids, and wanted to keep his money, time, and the ability to travel freely. When he married his wife (a teacher), she was open about wanting multiple kids. As far as I know, he didn’t say anything about wanting to be CFBC in order to keep her. Then when it came time to TTC, he was hesitant, but didn’t put up too much of a fuss, by the time he did start to get vocal, she was already pregnant (it only took her 1 month of trying). Now his wife wants another kid, and he’s outright against it. She feels frustration because she wants another kid, and he feels frustration because he’s already greatly compromised (though she may not know it) to have one kid.

Now, obviously I don’t know all of the inner workings of their relationship, nor should I. But it’s also quite obvious, and both have been vocal about, the struggle they’re having now with their opposing views on children. I think this just goes to show that some people may be able to compromise, like the PP above who plans to have one child for her Fiance, but most who compromise on such a huge issue will only be unhappy. You also want to make sure that you don’t compromise, only to constantly bring up the great sacrifice you made and expect your partner to take on the majority of care.

I’m so very sorry this is happening to you, but it seems the writing is on the wall.

Post # 23
Member
431 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019 - Canadian Rockies

Aww, so sorry to hear your story. I agree with the others, shouldn’t have a kid if you don’t want to, and neither of you is right/wrong. You both should be happy. That’s a huge decision for life. And taking care doesn’t just end at age 18… moms always worry about their kids 😉 I am CFBC and my fiance is too. For a long time though, we weren’t sure. We talked about kids but then decided together that there are so many other things we’d rather do: Travel, pay off debt, move away from the midwest, enjoy quiet time, have personal freedom (go out on the town whenever)… We aren’t attracted to children and don’t have that instinct.

I am pretty sure one of his relatives had a kid with his wife to save their marriage – he didn’t want one and she changed her mind and did. Told him baby or divorce (she alluded to this when we were all drinking during a sports event). They seem happy now though, but I don’t know the whole story. If my Fiance really wanted kids though, in the end I just can’t see it panning out.. 

Best wishes! Sending hugs

Post # 24
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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abitlost :  I’m sorry, bee. I know this has to be frustrating and heartbreaking for you. You obviously can’t have a child if you don’t want one. You’ll be miserable and a baby deserves to have a mother who is committed to them. That being said, I completely understand your husbands position. I don’t think you were dishonest with him intentionally but you have drawn this out for a long time knowing what he wanted. The decision to have or not have children is a huge decision and it is absolutely a deal breaker for both my husband and I. If you don’t want to have a baby that is absolutely understandable, but you can’t force him to feel that way.

Post # 25
Member
960 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

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mikaylaauel :  

+1 on all of this, except Im almost 33, D H is 41. And Im not slim and fit but trying to get there before we have a kid, I think healthwise AOD is all I can handle physically and mentally.

 

And we dont travel much right now due to finances but I want to be able to do it, easier with 1 kid..

I know things will still hange but we will only have to go through everything once, the pregnancy, delivery, pp, sleepless nights, daycare, etc, etc.

Post # 26
Member
2652 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

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abitlost :  if you don’t’ want kids don’t have kids. My mother didn’t want kids but had me to meet expectations or something and I could tell from a very young age that she was never really into me. I chose not to have kids but moved in with my husband under the guise that there would be 2 kids in the house 5 days a week, now there’s 4 (all from his previous relationships) and 2 never leabe and I know I’m going to die younger than I otherwise would due to the stress they cause. If you have a choice, choose what’s right for you.

Post # 27
Member
949 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
lovelyruby :  You totally hit it on the head!!  

“Do not let this be “Having my husband versus having kids”. You have to make this decision based on “Having kids versus not having kids”.”

 

 

View original reply
abitlost : I am 34 and my husband and I have both always been fence-sitters. Finally we decided that “maybe” wasn’t an answer and we needed to know if we would or would not have a kid. I decided that while I didn’t imagine regretting having a child, I could imagine regretting NOT having one. So we tipped our scales to the yes column. But the financial reality of having a kid in an urban setting is daunting! We are still waiting another year, maybe 2. And it’s likely we will only have one. 

I’m telling you this because I want you to know that uncertaintly is normal. Not wanting kids right now is not the same thing as not wanting kids EVER. No one should ever have a child because they think they are supposed to do it to meet some outside expectation. 

Here is a great article on women who regretted having children: :  https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/feb/11/breaking-taboo-parents-who-regret-having-children

However, your situation is complicated because your uncertaintly is impacting your husband, and he’s been clear about wanting kids all along. 

So I have to agree with all the PPs. Regardless of if you decide you do or don’t want children in the future, it’s unlikely that you’re going to come to that comclusion in a timeline that meets your husbands expectations. I think you should start with counciling, and see where that leads.

 

 

Post # 28
Member
688 posts
Busy bee

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ImMrsSnow :  Right! That is what I remind myself when I start to get overwhelmed at the prospect of a baby. I just remind myself that you only have to get through it once. Once they sleep through the night, no more night time feedings EVER. Once they are potty trained no more changing nasty diapers. I think it’s good that we know our limit. I know of a couple people who had multiple children because that’s what their partner wanted and it was “the thing to do” and they seem exhasuted and haggered. This is not to say there’s anything wrong with having multiple children if you think you can handle it, I just know deep in my bones I cannot and there’s nothing wrong with that. 

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