Post # 62
Here’s my question: are you OK with this being the rest of your life?
If you aren’t, then I suggest you consider leaving.
I just have a hard time with him saying that he loves you, but at the same time he’s told you he expects you to leave. Along with his actions, that really says that he’s built up defenses to make sure he is OK if/when you leave him – and the fact that he doesn’t seem to care about your emotional well-being is confirmation of that.
Sorry OP, but I would suggest holding off on the wedding until he can sort himself out (counseling). If he can’t (or refuses) then I think you’d be better off with a man who treats you like a partner and not a nuisance. 🙁
Post # 63
- Wedding: October 2013 - Tybee Island, GA
Oh lady; i hate you’re going through this! as PP said; think of how you’ll feel after you marry him?
or during the planning? Will he help? will he be supportive when you’re stressed out?
I hate this… and hope everything gets better for you!
Post # 64
So glad he is going to counseling — that is wonderful news! When I read your post, the first thing that came to mind was whether he is abusing any substances. It seems like his behavior towards you has changed drastically. Substance abusers are often very good at hiding the fact that there’s a problem. I could be WAY off, but it’s just something that came to mind! Best of luck to you both.
Post # 65
I was in the same situation with giving my fi an out of marriage and the relationship. He kept telling me he loved me and wanted to marry me but his actions said otherwise. I don’t know why some people lie like that when given so many chances to really walk away. You are worth so much more.
Post # 66
This is awesome. I’m glad you’re making progress. All relationships hit a bump in the road & the willingness to work on it makes all the difference.
Post # 67
Thanks for the update. Those sound like good steps, keep up the counselling and I wish you both well 🙂
Post # 68
@Anonymoose1234: “I have actually asked him many times if he loves me, if he actually does want to marry me, if he’s happy with me…he always says yes. Which is why I’m so confused. :(“
Don’t be confused. He’s SHOWING you he doesn’t love you anymore. You’re trying to hold onto what you had in the beginning…the “honeymoon phase” so to speak, leave him.
Post # 69
@Anonymoose1234: “He swears up and down that he loves me,, but I just don’t know anymore.”
I’m so sorry you are going through this, but my one question to you is: Okay so he says he loves you. If this is his love, is that the kind of love you want for the rest of your life?
He can say that word “love” all he wants – doesnt mean his definition is ever going to be close to good enough for you. It is almost worse that he is calling what he is doing right now as love. Because he is proving that when he says “love” he is including the behaviour of calling you names, treating you like shit, watching you hurt and having no desire to do anything about it….You deserve sooo much better.
With that said, I did read that you are trying to do counseling. If there is indeed something wrong and he can fix it and you do feel like this was an isolated piece of time, then I hope counseling goes well for you both. However, keep in mind that counseling is a long process to really make lasting change, a few months is not enough for something this big. It is a long time commitment to make change permanent. Also some abusers who go to counseling, use it as a way against you outside of the sessions.Or they might change temporarily, to get you hooked again. And once he feels confident you wont leave, he might turn verbally abusive again.
In the mean time, get counseling for yourself as well. It can never hurt. Also spend more time with your friends and doing things for yourself and that make you feel good. Good luck. I wish you all the best.
Post # 70
OP, do you think maybe he’s the kind of guy that is sort of “over it” once the chasing and beginning fun part of the relationship is done? I ask this, because my now ex was great when we were dating and it was like a switch went off right after the wedding , he was immediately bored with it. We did stay married for 10 years, but he ended up cheating so I divorced him.
He then married the woman he cheated with, fully believing we were a mistake, we were young… and THEY were true soulmates, meant to be. Four months after their wedding, the woman called me, telling me of his behavior following their wedding and wondering if maybe he was depressed? I said, no I don’t think so, that’s the same way I was treated immediately following my wedding. They divorced five years later and hate each other now.
So NOW he has a third woman and he is all starry eyed again and over the top happy. They are talking moving in together and marrying in the future. I can’t help but wonder what he will be like following that wedding. That’s THREE weddings By The Way.
So, I tend to think he’s not capable of a normal long term relationship and only likes the fun of the beginning part. And he’s too stupid to realize that about himself.
Hugs and good luck to you.
Post # 71
Hi OP. I’m happy that you guys are making progress, he’s opened up to you, and there’s some councelling involved. All good steps!
While he’s taking steps to help himself and your relationship, remember that you should do the same. Take this opportunity to figure out and tell him what you need/deserve our of a relationship. This will help you two grow/change together and build a strong foundation for the future.
Also, try reminding him that counseling is for BOTH of you. It will take some of the pressure of him, as it reinforces that relationships need work from both parties. It will also open the door for him to listen to your needs. Problems need to be addressed by both partners for their to be actual resolution.
He’s not in this alone, and niether are you. You are in it together. Best of luck!
Post # 72
This is far out there probably, but I’ve seen it happen twice. Could he be gay?
One of my BFF’s could have written your post. She was convinced he was cheating by the end. Turns out, he was, but not with a girl. It was only after they’d started planning the wedding that he realized that he didn’t have the feelings to match the committment. He realized that he was in love with a friend of his and the affair began.
Another friend of mine had the intimacy issues and they ultimately broke off the engagement because he said he was repulsed by her. She went through therapy and he rebounded into another relationship with a woman. It was about 2 years later when he realized he was gay and that’s why he was not attracted to the women he was dating.
If you hadn’t mentioned the intimacy issues, I could be convinced that he’s just an asshole, but that really rang a bell with me.
Post # 73
I am happy to hear that you guys have gone to counselling. I was gonna say LEAVE, but then I read your update. However… I went thru basically all that you are describing. And my wedding day was supposed to be today, and I am not getting married. I am now a single woman living alone, because the man I was going to marry, screwed me over once more. And he too was getting better and making the changes, but then it would all go downhill and the same behaviors would come out. He then threw me out of his life just like that, and didn’t want me anymore. It didn’t last too long (the better times). I really sincerely hope that this would be the case for you, but I truly feel that people like this don’t really change. My guy had serious mental issues (from what I can see) and was emotionally abusive to me. He, like your guy, was AMAZING in the beginning, things were the best they could ever be in my life. But that all changed and his real personality and flaws came out, and they weren’t pretty, and like you, I tried so hard and gave the relationship my all and kept telling him how much his behavor and treatment was bothering me, and it never did change. For a while, yes, but that didn’t last. Please keep us updated!! Take care xoxo
Post # 74
@Anonymoose1234: I am sorry you are going through this! Your boyfriend is an ass!! Sorry! He reminds me of my EX-fiance. He is emotionally abusive and you deserve better. Once I decided I deserve better, I LEFT! You determine how people treat you-you need to set boundaries and parameters on what behavior is acceptable to you. People are not allowed to treat you anyway they want to. You deserve better, so require better. You are not requiring anything of him, so he does what he wants, that is a NO go. Life is too short. YOU determine what goes in your life-don’t let anyone else determine that for you!
Post # 74
I know this is really late to the show, but try to hold on. Don’t listen to all of this run away, get out while you can, fear mongering.
I am a man who acts just like this guy. I have been hurt by women more times than I care to admit, and no, not because I’m a prick, but because I am too nice and let people take advantage of me. It sounds like he is doing what I almost did to my fiance. Since he has been hurt before, especially so close to marriage, he is subconsciously (or consciously) pushing you away before you can hurt him. I didn’t realize I was doing that until she brought it up, then I realized what I was doing and how bad it was hurting her. In our mind, when we have been hurt, we would rather push you away and hurt you before you get the chance to hurt us. It’s not because our feelings for you are lost, it’s just a defense we’ve put up in our head, and you CAN get past it. Trust me, I know from the other side what he is probably going through.