Post # 1
My SO and I had been dating for a little over a year when I was told that I “should know by now” whether or not I wanted to marry her. This should have been a red flag, but we were both still young and I didn’t want to let her go. I thought about it for a few months and came to the decision that I did, in fact, want to marry her. So I proposed.
Over the past year or so, I’ve found myself becoming distant and generally not excited about the relationship anymore. I feel like I’m still in the relationship because I don’t want to disappoint her or either of our families. We’ve had quite a few pretty major fights where both of us were given the chance to leave. However, it never ends. She always ends up making me feel horrible for “breaking my promise” and lying to her (telling her that I’d be with her forever). So we stay together.
Am I weak for not ending it outright? Am I a bad person for “breaking our contract” as she says? We have an apartment together and would most likely be forced to live with eachother.
Post # 3
@eskijo66: You’re not weak, but you’re silly for staying. People change their minds about relationships, and it’s better to get out now, then to marry her and have to go through a divorce. The contract and promise comments are ridiculous and immature.
Post # 4
I think you two need to take a step back. I don’t know if you’re just not ready for marriage or if you don’t want to be with her. Do you think you want to be with her but just not ready to make that leap? If so, then you should talk to her about how you feel and let her decide if she wants to stay or not. If you don’t want to be with her, then you need to talk to her now, before the wedding plans progress even more and it’ll be harder to walk away.
As for “breaking the contract” I”m sorry, but you’re probably going to feel like shit no matter what you do. This is never an easy topic to talk about. I know you weren’t ready, but you can’t go through with it if you don’t want to marry her. But, you need take care of this SOON cause the asshole meter goes up the longer you wait.
I’m sorry about your situation. It’s a bad one to be in. And I can totally imagine her posting on here about you, and we’ll all rush to her side not knowing the full story. It’s not fun. Just think about what you want, but make your decision soon. I hope things work out for you. You’re doing the right thing by taking a step back and thinking about it instead of going forward blindly and backing out at the last minute.
Post # 5
If it were me, I’d rather you ‘break your committment’ now, before we were actually married, than keep it from me that you didn’t feel it was right and marry me anyway, only to divorce later. Both will be hard, but the latter much harder.
Break ups suck no matter which side you’re on, but based on the limited information you’ve given, it sounds as if your heart just isn’t in this relationship anymore. Time to be honest with her, and time to move on.
As to living together, surely one of you can move out into a new place? I’d suggest it should be you, as you’d be the one breaking off the engagement.
Post # 6
Thanks for the replies and advice.
I understand about being honest and upfront. I have been. We have discussed this and I told her I wasn’t sure if I wanted this anymore. She said she would stay until we figured it out. Now she seems to think that I am being selfish by “not considering her family or mine”….I don’t understand that completely.
Post # 7
How are you considering your families needs, wants, expectations, etc. when you are basically proposing to throw a sham/lie of a marriage on for them? Your family and friends should be more than understanding that you call a wedding off for the right reasons than have it for the wrong. Yes, it may shock them at first. And it may piss them off if they invested time or money in to the planning, but it’s better than putting them in the middle of a divorce later down the road.
Post # 8
Another thing is there hasn’t been any planning. We haven’t invested anything other than our time and emotions into this. So it makes it a tad bit easier I guess
Post # 9
@eskijo66: Sorry, but it sounds to me like you’re being bullied into staying in relationship. Like PP said, its better that you realize this now than after marriage and a few kids later. Breaking up isn’t fun, period and someone’s bound to get hurt regardless. But it’s not fair to both you to string each other along, when there’s a possibility that there’s someone else out there who’s right for both of you (respectively). Good luck!
Post # 10
@eskijo66: Now she seems to think that I am being selfish by “not considering her family or mine”
really?? she is not considering you or your true feelings. she does not want to accept the fact that you do not want to be with her and she is manipulating you into staying. she’s the one being selfish here. do not ever stay in a relationship because you feel obligated by your partner or family. it’s your life too and you need to be happy.
she needs to understand that overall the only way that she will truly be happy in life is if she is with someone who is truly happy also. that is not the case here. if you stayed, in time, she will begin to feel this and resent the relationship and you. you are nipping this in the bud.
she is acting very immaturely.
Post # 11
It’s perfectly common for the good parts of a relatioship to fade after a couple years, and it’s totally normal to feel like you’re in too deep and it’s hard to back out. The important thing to realize is that finding the absolute right person is rare and wonderful, thats why weddings are such a big celebration. Don’t stay in a relationship just because you made it this far, and don’t celebrate not wanting to “break your contract.” You both deserve to find someone about whom you have no doubts. I’m sorry things are so hard, but honestly, they get much easier once the right decision has been made. Be strong and realize you’re doing the best thing for everyone, not just yourself.
Post # 12
I know this is going to be really tough for you, especially if she and both your families are emotionally invested in this. But you are going to have to play the asshole in this situation because it’s the right thing to do. Just do it in a respectful face to face way. Don’t do it by email, text, disappearing, hopping on a flighty to some random locale, etc (you get the idea). Talk to her about what you’re feeling. It won’t be pretty, but please don’t let her bully you. If you continue, everyone will be miserable in the end. At least ending it or taking a step back will give you both a fighting chance at happiness.
EDIT: i’m using the “asshole” term very loosely here. I’m not calling you an asshole in any way. I just use that term because she and your families will probably think you are one because breakups are never pretty. Please don’t be offended.
Post # 13
Don’t worry, I understood what you said and didn’t take any offense 🙂
Like I said, we’ve discussed this numerous times and I’ve told her time after time that maybe we got engaged too young (I’m 23, she’s 22), and that maybe marriage isn’t what I want in my life right now. I’ve been very open and honest with her, and she is the same with me, but it’s just the comments and remarks she makes that really get to me and have me second guessing my decision/thoughts. Should I just stay and force happiness? Well, the obvious answer is no, and as logical as I am, you’d think I would have been able to see that…but I guess I’m silly like mwitter80 said.
I’m trying to make this as easy as realistically possible, for both of us. Hopefully I can take some of the advice from here and put it to use.
Post # 14
I also believe in the “you should know by a year” theory, unless of course you are in high school or very immature.
If you feel this way, listen to your gut man
Post # 15
@eskijo66: This sounds similar to what happened to my SO with his previous girlfriend. They had been dating for three years and she pressured him into several marriage talks. He left for boot camp for 6 weeks with the Marines a year ago, came back and dumped her almost immediately. He realized that it wasn’t worth investing his time in a relationship where he wasn’t happy, even though they were both close to one another’s families and he had already basically made a committment to her.
He’s been my best friend for a couple of years now, and we’ve been dating for nine months. He brought up marriage week two of our relationship. I don’t think that the whole “know by a year” thing is necessarily true. I think that when you’re ready, you’re ready. If you make a clean break now, you can both have a chance at actually dating someone that you really click with on all levels.
You don’t have to sacrifice your own happiness to make others happy.
Post # 16
Not everyone spends their entire relationship jumping up and down and screaming about how much they love the other person. Relationships go through stages and lulls. However, you should always feel as though they are the right person, and that you are with them because you really want to be with them.
It sounds as though you are allowing yourself to stay in a “eh” relationship because you dont want to deal with the hurt, drama and guilt of ending it. Better to figure out what you really want now, instead of later, after a marriage license is binding you both together.