(Closed) I don’t trust my FI :( (really long)

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

Plain and simple – I wouldn’t marry a man I didn’t trust with my entire heart and soul. Trust has to be earned. If it’s broken, it can be repaired – but it takes a lot of effort on both sides. I’m not sure either of you are there yet. To be honest it sounds like the relationship needs some growing up to do. I’m not sure I’d be planning a wedding for August. It’s a tough situation and I feel for you being in it – good luck with figuring out what to do next. (Getting some space to yourself is probably a start.)

Post # 4
Member
3539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

put my grown up hat on and not worry about it. My advice just talk to him and say” look it matters to me and your concerned that she texts because of this and this and it makes it a trust issue for me, if your just trying to protect me. I wish that you were open and honest  and next time she does, can you just tell me and I wont make a big thing of it. I just think its important that you do so I dont stress from this end.”

I had the same kinda thing well trust issue when FH when his exes sister – that rights exes sister. started text messaging all the time and I thought it was a bit suss, so I asked him that when she texts that he tells me. And he does, its open and the communication line is clear. He has nothing to hide but it keeps that trust in the relationship. Worked for us 🙂

 

Post # 5
Member
5388 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I think you should tell your FH what you just wrote. This has to be worked out before you get married. Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
3539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Just say everytime she texts I want to see it, or you to tell me. If it hasnt happend for a couple of months.. she probably isnt texting.

Seriously its the smallest road bump. Just chill on it and when you think about it do something that makes you happy. You will soon forget. Your FH loves you otherwise he wouldnt have put that ring on your finger. Thats serious commitment in itself. Have a little faith girl 🙂 I know what its like to make something out of something so small that all it does is breed negativity be positive 🙂

Post # 8
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

In my personal (and insomnia driven) opinion, it sounds like you’re not over what happened years ago, otherwise you never would have brought it up. But when it comes down to it I think that you’re reading too much into it. Yes, it was wrong that he kept the texts from you, especially since he knows that she is a sticky spot in you relationship, but at the same time, why should that completely ruin your trust in him? 

Post # 10
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Please take this in the nicest possible way, but it doesn’t really sound like either of you are ready to get married.  I know I certainly would not have been at 22 (I was still making a right mess of relationships at that point).  I don’t think you should get married to him now both because you don’t trust him (and you have to trust your husband, or it will undermine the marriage) and because it doesn’t seem like either of you have the maturity for that level of commitment yet.  Go out.  Have some fun.  Stay together.  Date other people.  Whatever you want.  But give yourselves some time to grow into yourselves before you commit your lives to anyone else. 

Post # 11
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I had almost the same with my man and it also got to the same exact point. 

We talked and I admitted the problem was that I didn;t trust him, not that he wasn’t trustworthy but my trust in him was ruined. he lied about the girl and texts for so long even though it was to protect me from getting jealous over nothing blah blah blah- the trust with him and this particular girl was gone and his secret texts.

So, after saying I have problem with trust because he hid it and lied about even thought…blah blah.  I couldn’t get over it.  And if he is marrying me and this girl really means nothing, tell her how I feel and break off the friendship.  He admitted she wan’t going to be a friend forever, but i was forever.  So let her go now so we can move on.   And he did.  Trust is now 100%.

I’m not the jealous type unless I’m given reason.  And once I have reason, it doesn;t go away until the other girl is out completely.  I’ve been in this situation before.  The other guy didn’t let go of the other girl.  I pretended to get over it.  But guess what?  He did sleep with her during our relatinship.  I found out after we broke up.

Post # 12
Member
2859 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden

I have to agree with mountain.bride and tnason. It sounds to me like maybe you two aren’t ready to be married yet. You’re both very young and have all time time in the world to get married. My advice is to give things some time and work on your issues as a couple before proceeding with wedding plans.

It’s a terrible idea to marry a man if you don’t trust him 100%.

Post # 13
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Hey, I’m 35 and went through this last year.  It has nothing to do with age.  It has to do with trust.

Post # 14
Member
647 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I agree with above posters that this is a red flag in your relationship, and neither of you sounds ready to get married at this point in your life.  If you can’t trust your husband, it will undermine your entire future relationship with him.

Yes, I believe that the texts are probably innocent and that in and of themselves, nothing to be making a big deal of.  But going through his phone/bills, or him hiding them from you in general?  You should be at a place in your relationship where you trust him enough not to do that, and he should be mature enough to be able to tell other women to back off if he knows their behavior is making you upset, and he shouldn’t be hiding relationships/friendships with other women from you.  Don’t let an impending August wedding blind you from the fact that you are having issues in your relationship.  These issues need to be addressed and you need to be completely comfortable in your relationship before taking that next big step. 

Post # 15
Member
2859 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden

@mmuncha – I’m not saying that the actual situtation has anything to do with age. Of course it could happen to anyone. I just think that the OP and her fiance in particular are young, so why rush things if there are trust issues?

Post # 16
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Guess I’m sensitive.  Its a very sensitive issue that you never get over.  I was going to marry the other guy who ended up actually cheated on me…Now, I see those red flags and can’t let it go.  There is no worse hurt than being betrayed by someone you love. 

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