I don't trust my Monster-in-law

posted 10 months ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
6225 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

You are under no obligation to allow her to help YOU. Why not let her help HIM? He can get her input on his groomsmen and/or his boutonierre or something and leave you alone.

When someone is an asshole to you, you don’t need to do anything more than be polite, and even that has its limits.

Don’t trust her (why would you even try?!). I know you are making an effort for your Fiance, but I don’t think the expectation should be that you become close to her, especially when you have a history of witnessing and experiencing toxic behavior from her. I would let him know that you “trying” looks like you being polite and that is ALL he can reasonably expect from you.

No amount of loving someone should induce us to love or befriend their toxic relatives.

Post # 4
Member
542 posts
Busy bee

shellshocker22 :  

Your fiance should be on your side and realize that his mother’s toxic behavior is unacceptable. 

Don’t worry about distrusting your monster in law because you are not being cruel by doing so.

She has shown herself to be a bitter and hateful woman. You do not owe friendship to anyone who treats you so poorly regardless of their relationship with you or your husband. 

Post # 6
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee

Fuck her. Your Fiance should not be encouraging or hoping for you to have a relationship with such a nasty and manipulative person. It’s his business if he wants a relationship with her, but he’s going to have to get used to the fact that his mother is cruel and the consequences of HER actions are that he will have to keep you and her separate. You don’t have to have a relationship with a person who jumps at the opportunity to slander you and come in between you and your soon to be husband. It sucks that he got her for a mom, but he needs to be realistic. He shoudl have no expectation that she’s involved in wedding planning with the way she behaves. You should explain to him that given the nastiness and manipulation she has displayed, you are no longer comfortable with her being involved in wedding planning. As a PP said, she can help with groomsmen things if your Fiance wants that, but that is all. You reap what you sow. 

Post # 7
Member
3787 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

Ugh, this really sucks OP, I’m sorry his mom is such a nightmare. I love PP’s suggestion of letting her help HIM instead of you. Also, this woman is so awful to you, I certainly wouldn’t want to give up my free time to spend time with her just to placate her… Screw that! You have been more than accommodating and the fact that you’re still cordial to her is impressive. I would try to let go of the notion that you owe this woman something, because she is not deserving of your forgiveness or kindness. You’re being very gracious in giving those things to her. I would let your Fiance include her if he so chooses, since her concern is YOU cutting her out of HIS life… He can make an effort to keep her in the loop if he wants to. This is not your job. Also, Congratulations on your engagement!

Post # 8
Member
542 posts
Busy bee

shellshocker22 :  

You’re welcome, dear.

My heart goes out to you because my husband and I both have toxic mothers. 

We keep our distance from them. 

Post # 9
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2019

shellshocker22 :  I have a very similar situation. FH’s mother constantly calls him just to mentally abuse him. Has made extremely negative comments to me and about me (like I wouldn’t find out) so I’m the kind of person where if you don’t respect me I don’t communicate with you, so I just don’t speak to her. My FH has made it very clear to her that if she wants to act out she won’t be anywhere near the wedding. He has also made it clear to her that I won’t speak to her unless she makes apolgies for the wrong doings and things she has said. No dice on that aspect yet. She attempts to be manipulative so I just ignore her. Problem solved 

Post # 10
Member
1901 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I’d go on the offensive. I’d assign her a menial task to help with the wedding. Something that won’t mess with your plans too much if it goes awry, but that would be nice if she actually does. 

Center piece assembly, paper flower wall assembly, favor assembly. Make up something specific for her if need be. Preferably something time intensive but not difficult. Oragomi flowers for your decor maybe. You need 200? Perfect. Amazon prime ship her paper and an instruction book and send her pics of what it should look like.

Provide her what she needs. Make a comment like, DearSonsName has told me you’re really talented with ProjectName. He suggested you might love to help with this and we can’t wait to see how it turns out. Thanks for offering to help!

If possible do this with her on speaker and your partner listening. Make sure all the details are nailed down and she confirms her understanding of the project. 

Benefits of this plan: she can’t claim you won’t let her help, she won’t want to mess up the project if her son thinks she’d be good at it and she can’t misrepresent how you asked her if he hears you ask. It’ll also keep her busy for a bit. Best case you get something done that you didn’t have to do for the wedding. Worst case you’re out a little for supplies and can’t use it… but see above regarding keeping her busy. 

Rather than have her bugging you or getting creative and doing things without your approval or giving her more fodder for claiming you’re horrible… direct the energy in a different non harmful direction. 

Post # 11
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

shellshocker22 :  I would talk to your fiance, point out that you have tried to make a relationship with her work and that she has continued to sabotage it. Tell him that in light of her actions you need to put yourself first and do what makes you happy/comfortable when it comes to the wedding planning. His mother can attend the wedding as any normal guest would, but you won’t be asking her for help on anything, or letting her in on any details. (BTW all the weddings i ever attended, i had no idea if or how the parents had helped with the wedding, so its insane to claim that if Mother-In-Law doesnt get to help with anything that somehow guest would know and she would be embarassed, that isn’t legit.)

I also say you talk to your fiance now about boundaries down the road. I bet you won’t ever be ok with her being alone with your children if you have some. So that needs to be addressed with your fiance before you get married. It is important to know that your fiance understands that you come before his mom, your happiness is more important than his mom and so you will not continue to try and try and try with her at the expense of you being happy. Make sure he is on board with how you respond to his moms actions in future, how she won’t be able to suddenly have a relationship with you or the kids once you have them. Then block her number and let all communication go through your fiance from now on. And he needs to start telling her no. She texts saying she “tried” and you are trying to keep her son away from her? He responds, ” No. that is not what is happening here. I will not give any air time to you talking badly about my future wife. This stops now.” He needs to stand up to his mom. 

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