(Closed) I don’t understand my bonus sons bio-mom (vent)

posted 6 years ago in Parenting
Post # 3
Member
4693 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Surprised

 

I’m not a mother, but I can’t understand how a mother could say things like that to her child. She has to know that all that can do is hurt him. 🙁

Post # 4
Member
5296 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

@mwitter80:  I don’t have any advice, but my heart breaks for your bonus son. To feel like he’s betraying his mom by being happy with you and your Darling Husband is so sad. She obviously has serious issues and I think all you can do is let him know how much you love and care for him. 

Ugh, that seriously hurts to think of him crying because he thinks what he’s doing is cuasing his mom to lay in bed crying at night. What a horrid person.

Post # 5
Member
2158 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I love how you call him your bonus son 🙂

I can never imagine my mom every saying anything like that to me or my siblings.  Both my parents never shared when they were upset or angry with each other or anything because they didn’t want us to worry. It sounds like she is upset, but concentrating on her own misery instead of her son’s happiness

Post # 6
Member
3000 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I don’t have any experience with something like this but wanted to say I think she is being selfish and hurtful when she should probably know better. You haven’t done anything wrong and I hope she can grow up a little bit so as not to put her son in such an emotionally conflicting state. Sorry you have to deal with this 🙁

Post # 7
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

1) I love that you always call him a “bonus” son.

2) I can see how hurt bio-mom is that she’s been “replaced” in her mind, and wants to be as important to the boy as she can. With raw hurt feelings, it can be easy to let it slip that it pains her to hear that her son prefers staying at dad’s more than her place. She’s human, and humans make mistakes. I don’t think she handled this in the best possible way, because it’s effecting him. Maybe she can be introspective about it if you tell her that her comments made him cry? Maybe she doesn’t realize the impact they have / had on him. If she is a good parent, she’d understand.

Post # 8
Member
3175 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

That is a really hard situation. I can totally understand where she’s coming from with her feelings, but that is definitely problematic that your step son is feeling that way. That said, I’m guessing she doesn’t even know how she’s making him feel and is not trying to be manipulative (unless this is in her nature and she does things like this often). Maybe have your husband mention something to her? Not in an accusatory way, but just “This is what’s happening, how can we make sure our son is happy/unstressed?”. 

I’m sorry, I know you are trying to vent, but my heart really broke for his bio-mom when you said he told her he likes your house more. I honestly don’t know how I would react. I would hope I would keep my wits about me & keep a straight face in front of my son, but that would be HARD!

Post # 9
Member
4038 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m sorry, I can’t imagine how hard this must be for both you and your bonus son. It’s very unfair…and manipulative, intentional or not…for his bio mom to say things like that to him. I can only imagine that it’s hard for her to see her child loving another woman, but she really needs to be putting him first instead of her own selfish, jealous feelings, and be grateful that another woman loves her child as much as she does.

Post # 11
Member
2233 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I agree with PPs. That is a really difficult situation and really not fair to your bonus son. 

If she keeps that up as he gets older he will eventually realize what she’s doing. 

Post # 12
Member
5494 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2011

My heart breaks reading this because this sounds EXACTLY like what my Mother-In-Law did to my Darling Husband when he was little.  I’m so sorry that your son is being put through this. I think your Darling Husband needs to have a talk with her because this will leave a lasting impression on your son.  Trust me, it left my Darling Husband scared for a long time, (he still has issues and tells me how he spent his early childhood listening to his mom cry about his dad and step mom and how he was emotionally manipulated.  It has caused all sorts of emotional issues.

This is a really really tough situation but someone has to put an end to this.

 

Post # 13
Member
3175 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@mwitter80:  I totally understand that, and I agree with you, it wasn’t appropriate. I would hope that, in that situation, I would be the “adult” and act appropriately. But I just don’t know, that is a pretty serious thing for a mom to hear.

My ex broke up with me when I was pregnant, and actually tried to bring his girlfriend into the delivery room when I gave birth. After the baby was born, she was insistant on meeting him immediately and holding him, etc. I know this isn’t your exact situation, and it sounds like you are a lot more respectful, but I just remember imagining her as my son’s second mom and it was the most painful thought I have ever experienced. I can’t imagine what it must feel like to go through that.

On the other hand, I am an adult and I *absolutely* want what’s best for my son. My feelings aren’t as important as his safety/happiness. So, I would hope I wouldn’t do something like what you describe. But, sometimes feelings cloud reason. Is she always doing things like this? Or do you think she just let her emotions get the best of her?

ETA: You sound like a really good, caring step mom and I hope I am not making you feel bad! Your step son is really lucky to have 2 women in his life who love him so much!!

Post # 14
Member
14495 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I have been in similar situations with my bonus kids.  The would go home from our house and brag about my food, activities, etc…. and DHs ex would react similarly, which was completely a mistake.  When the boys had grown a bit (the oldest was a teen and the youngest a tween), the oldest told me that he had tried really hard to hate me for his mom, but that he just couldn’t.  Neither Darling Husband or I have ever said a negative word about her around or to the kids, we just don’t think that it is appropriate.  When DHs ex passed away, I think that us always being positive really help the boys with the transition and they come to me now for all the typical “mom” things like being sick, girlfriend gifts, shopping, how to approach dad on something, money.  They feel comfortable enough to talk to me about their mom and ask me to do stuff with her stuff, like preserving.

 

I think that you just have to grin and bare it, like you have been doing.  IMO, at the end of the day, her manipulation will come back to bite her on the rear end.  The kid will get old enough to understand it and know where the positiveness was coming from.  The fact that you are thinking so much about this and you put so much care into making him feel safe and secure shows what an awesome step and person you are.  You just keep doing what you are doing and all will work out, I promise.

Post # 16
Member
5655 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

DS’s bio dad does stuff like your bonus son’s mom. He’s always been VERY upset at the thought of another man being in DS’s life… even after he himself remarried, but I’m pretty sure that unlike your situation, DS’s bio-dad is rarely part of DS’s life these days and does nothing to change that. (DS goes & spends a week with him about 1x a year) Also, DS’s dad has ALWAYS been like this so I had to start with DS in his toddler years trying to explain & clarify lies his dad would tell him… sigh.

I wish I could give some advice on how to handle it, but I assume your bonus son’s mom isn’t USUALLY like this, so it does make the situation a little different.

I know for us, I & now Darling Husband have/do always just explained to DS that “it isn’t him that his dad is upset with, but just the situation & his dad doesn’t really know how to handle it right so he says/said what he said…. But we just have to keep loving him & we’ll pray that he gets comfort in his heart so that he can feel better about everything… and that DS has NOTHING to feel bad about b/c it wasn’t him that did anything to “cause” the situation.”

^ along the lines of that, but I TOTALLY understand that in that moment it’s kinda like *ummmmmmmmmmmmm…. what the heck do I say?!*

Sorry for the rough night…. I wish more parents would realize that how they handle their messes/consequences of their own adult situation really does effect their children…. DS knows NOTHING of the things I’ve struggled with or issues I’ve had with his dad, for the sake of him…. I wish his dad could do the same & I hope that your bonus son’s mom can get to that place too.

(((hugs))) for you and the munchkin

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