I don't want a wedding but my fiance does

posted 2 weeks ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
4253 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

bride2bee2020 :  relationships are about compromise. Instead of doing a big wedding like your fiance wants or no wedding, like you want. Do a small wedding with your nearest and dearest at a nice fancy restaurant or a small intimate venue you like. You can still have a nice wedding under a certain price point without having it look and feel budget.

Can I also just add, you can still do everything you want by of wedding, travel, house. Instead of buying a 500k house, you buy 450k house. You take a fab holiday every 18 months instead of every year. You have a 10k wedding with 20 people instead of a 30k one with 100 people. One less holiday, a smaller wedding and cheaper house won’t have you feeling like you’ve missed out. This is really a middle ground between what the both of you want. Having no wedding at all and one more holiday doesn’t sound like something your fiancé wants. 

Post # 3
Member
433 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Just tell him that if he wants a wedding he needs to plan all of it. I give him 6 weeks and he will be happy with a smaller wedding or an elopement. 😜 Or be nice and give him a list of things he would need to do and pick out; including all the tiniest details women worry about and men mostly think they just appear by themselves like center pieces or bridesmaids gifts. 

I am totally with btw. It seemed like a waste to me, too. And travel is greatly undervalued in the US. We brought our habits back from Europe and travel about 3-4 or more times a year. That’s scaled back because the flight in the US are just crazy expensive. 

Post # 4
Member
3206 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

There’s a compromise out there. Keep searching. My personal recommendation is a destination wedding for immediate family. Or a small wedding followed by a reception at a nice restaurant. You can keep it classy or fancy without inviting everyone you know. Buy your dress secondhand and that right there is enough money saved for a vacation.

Post # 5
Member
684 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

You are marrying a man who wants to blow tens of thousands of dollars of your capital to make his mother happy for one day? My God.

Post # 6
Member
928 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

What kind of money did you imagine spending on a wedding? Yes, weddings are expensive, but I don’t think it’s really the difference between “easily buy[ing] a house and travel” vs. spending years scrimping and saving. A house is ten times more expensive than a wedding.

I agree with a PP who recommended everything in moderation. There’s a huge amount of middle ground between a big elaborate wedding and a budget wedding.

Post # 7
Member
887 posts
Busy bee

Why can’t you just have a small wedding with only close family and best friends? It’s really as expensive or as cheap as you want it to be. You can spend a whole heap more on nice, quality things with a smaller guest list vs a bigger guest list but you can’t get as many nice things, and you won’t be spending as much quality time with your guests as you would with a smaller wedding. Bigger isn’t better and smaller certainly doesn’t mean “budget”. Also spending on wedding is about being smart with your money not just splurging (ie only spend on things that you and the guests are going to remember, not wasting as much time and money on things like complicated decor or invitations). How much are the parents giving you? Sounds like a decent amount.

Post # 8
Member
1185 posts
Bumble bee

Compromise with a medium/small wedding with smaller budget. He will be the main planner and you will do few things that are important to you. He and his mum will get the wedding they want Nd you will.have money to use for traveling and awesome honeymoon.

Post # 9
Member
920 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Location

You want to buy a house and you want to travel, but does he? 

It would be good to talk over these major life goals and see if you both want the same things. 

Then, figure out how much you need for a down payment etc and let him see the numbers before his eyes. 

Post # 10
Member
199 posts
Blushing bee

cassandra7 :   its not just her capital though. Its money his parents will be giving them now that they are engaged. While both sets of parents were very kind to say that they could spend it on whatever they wanted im guessing there is an assumption of a wedding (however small) for the parents. If they REALLY wanted to give you money for holidays why would they only be giving money now, during a wedding planning time (engagement). They couldve given you money for a big holiday last year.

them saying you can put it towards a honeymoon or downpayment is more than likely them acknowledging that you may have saved for and have wedding budget sorted already therefore you can put it towards something else. Not that you would take the money and not have a wedding at all. Are both sets of parents aware that there was a big possibility that you were never going to have a wedding? Are you 100% sure that they would still be offering money if they knew in advance there was never going to be a wedding?

Post # 11
Member
199 posts
Blushing bee

bride2bee2020 :   how much money are they giving you that it would mean you could easily buy a house and travel with it. If you are gettting that much from his parents then i think it should be possible to find a compromise that doesnt use up all the money. That way your fiance ( and his family who are contributing a lump sum) could get a wedding and you would still have money left over.

The 1st idea that i thought of was a beautiful but small destination wedding to combine your love of holidays with his love of a wedding.

Post # 12
Member
5543 posts
Bee Keeper

MiaSuperstar :  Just tell him that if he wants a wedding he needs to plan all of it. 

Love this. He is probably envisioning just showing up to a wonderful party and has no idea the amount of stress and work behind it. I would definitely have a small wedding if it were that important to him though. 

Post # 13
Member
2351 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Down payment on a house could easily rival the cost of a wedding. For some people, being able to buy a house is far more important than throwing a party and it absolutely can be an either/or proposition. Personally, I’d buy the house. 

Post # 14
Member
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

bride2bee2020 :  I was in the same situation and we ended up compromising with a small wedding. We booked a venue that had a Max capacity of 88 guests and we ended up with 72 in attendance. it was still intimate enough and mostly a family affair plus the photos really captured the vibe/were phenomenal.

If I could do it all over, I think I would have pushed harder for the small private ceremony and restaurant reception I really wanted to have. Wedding planning is very stressful and we paid for most of it ourselves. I think the money would have been better spent on traveling. 

Post # 15
Member
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

MiaSuperstar :  LOL this!

bride2bee2020 :  My fiancé wanted a big wedding too until we made a list of all that needs to be done. He went from wanting a big wedding to doing just lunch or dinner with immediate family only. He suggested hiring a wedding planner but when he saw the cost of that, he quickly backed away from that too.

We both really do want to have a wedding with all the elements we want without feeling like we were sacrificing something that we might regret in future but at the same time not spending extravagantly on things. Our wedding will have live classical music, photographer, and a videographer and our whole wedding has been budgeted at around $5k (in Texas) excluding the honeymoon. I know costs will keep adding up over time but not by much more as we’ve already booked the major vendors and bought my dress and our rings. I did a lot of shopping around for quotes and we did away with things like wedding favors, huge bridal party, fancy car, fresh flowers, etc. We got our venue for free as it is at church. 

Since it sounds like you both want a big wedding (if you have one), my advice to you would be to hire a wedding planner and give them your budget. Wedding planners usually have tie ups with many vendors that help them get a better rate. I also like the idea of a destination wedding that combines travel and wedding. 

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